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Still questioning, have an overwhelming amount of signs I might be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confused155, Oct 27, 2020.

  1. out2019

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    Could this worry be clouding your judgement? I know it did for me.

    I had this happen to me with a girlfriend too. I am not saying this applied to you but now I just realize I was thinking about guy's asses.

    Again this might not apply to you but I tried some experiences when I was drunk and chickened/freaked out - I was too much in denial. For a long time I believed I was not attracted to men in person and for the most part I am not - but the more I accepted myself the more I 'allowed' myself to look, I have discovered I am -I realized that I was actively suppressing this out of guilt and worry -worry for example that people might realize I am checking out a guy.
     
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  2. out2019

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    But its amazing how denial can work the other way. I could fantasize so naturally about giving a blow job, couldn't really fantasize about women but I denied I was gay!

    I don't just say this for fun - I know I am an extreme case but denial is incredibly powerful.
     
    #22 out2019, Nov 5, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2020
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  3. confused155

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    That’s interesting. Well when you say you were thinking about guys’ butts, I am not thinking about that when I am having sex with my girlfriend. But I am worried that the fact I fixate on it a lot of times could mean that I’m gay (I don’t really know). I probably need to stop wording it as “worry” as I shouldn’t be worried. If I’m gay, that’s just another thing in life I get the opportunity to grow from and accept.

    this week I tried what chip said (accepting I’m gay for a day) and it actually did the total opposite. When I was fantasizing, I couldn’t get excited thinking about men. I “fantasized” like 3-4 separate times, all about women, all enjoyable and nothing could happen with men. When I relaxed and allowed myself to feel attracted, it seems like my “attraction went away.” This could be fluidity as I do seem to have fantasies about women at some points, and then fantasies about gay stuff at some points. Is it possible that my anxiety about being gay could make me aroused at the fantasies?

    The day I allowed myself to be and feel gay I felt relaxed, I felt okay, and I didn’t feel gay if that makes sense. I didn’t feel like I was actually gay, but I felt like I removed the anxiety about worrying about being gay. I think I need to keep this relaxed outlook, and test this some more to see if my gay fantasies come back :slight_smile: either way it felt peaceful it was a break from the worrying
     
  4. confused155

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    • Looking at attractive men or women, or pictures of them, or reading sexually oriented literature or pornography (hetero- or homosexual), to see if they are sexually exciting.
    • Imagining themselves in sexual situations and then observing their own reaction to them.
    • Masturbating or having sex repeatedly just for the purpose of checking their own reaction to it. (This may also include visiting prostitutes in more extreme cases).
    • Observing themselves for evidence of “looking,” talking, walking, dressing, or gesturing like someone who is either gay or straight.
    • Compulsively reviewing and analyzing past interactions with other men or women to see if they have acted like a gay or straight person.
    • Checking the reactions or conversations of others to determine whether or not they might have noticed them acting inappropriately, or if these people were giving the sufferer strange looks.
    • Reading articles on the internet about how an individual can tell if they are gay or straight to see which group they might be most similar to.
    • Reading stories by people who “came-out” to see if they can find any resemblance to their own experiences.
    • Repeatedly questioning others, or seeking reassurance about their sexuality.

    I also do all the above things (taken from an OCD website). I’m wondering if this is also affecting me knowing what I am..
     
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  5. Chip

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    It is possible to be gay AND have OCD. Most of the folks here at EC who have OCD have no indications they actually have any same sex attraction. But you describe the fantasies that actually arouse you as being 70% gay 30% straight. So it's probable that you are either gay or bi. However, this is a lot more complicated to discern if there's OCD involved.

    If you do engage in the compulsive/obsessive behaviors you describe above, then it is likely you do have, at the least, some OCD tendencies. This would be worth having an evaluation by a trained professional.
     
  6. confused155

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    I wouldn’t say I have full out compulsions, but I definitely do things in the above post. I am bit of a hypochondriac where I think and will worry that different things are wrong with me. I realize I have indications that I’m attracted to the same sex, but this may be another piece clouding my judgement. I honestly think I need to try going “all the way” with a guy to get a better understanding
     
  7. out2019

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    Fantasy is a weird area. There are some people who have fantasies around taboo-breaking, there are many people who have fantasies about things they really don't want to happen in life (women and rape fantasies, for example). I read a few book on fantasies (there isn't much ) people use them according to one therapist, to overcome guilt about sex. So for example a woman who is otherwise a feminist might secretly feel guilty about enjoying sex, so she imagines being 'forced' - I am not an expert but from what i read, fantasies are usually about situational -forced to have sex -but not about crossing gay/straight lines because they are straight guys who don't think women like sex, for example.

    It could be that the taboo breaking heightens the desire for you, but for me once I started to accept that I was gay, my fantasies became more intense because they involved a lover, not just anon sex.

    A lot of guys who came out to themselves after years of denial went through a stage like this:
    "I really don't like men's bodies, I only fantasize about giving a blow job, but in real life I only find women attractive"
    ...as they begin to accept they are gay:
    "I only fantasize about having sex, not romance"
    ...
    -I went through both stages then someone on this forum asked, imagine coming home to someone you loved, kissing them and saying 'I love you" close your eyes and who is that- I did that exercise, I finally 'allowed' myself to fantasize about a man like that and it was way more appealing than being with a woman, which just felt bland.

    Maybe there is anxiety tied to worrying about it.

    I used this to deny being gay for a long time. Again I am not saying you experience exactly what I do, but I went through this phase.
     
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  8. Chip

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    From what you have described above, it sounds like there's something in the realm of clinical anxiety and obsessive thinking, which may or may not meet the standard for OCD, going on here. If that's the case, then simply hooking up with a guy is probably not going to give you the satisfaction you're seeking in terms of "Oh! Now I know," because that's how this sort of dysfunction works. (For what it's worth, pretty much nobody who is gay has to actually have sex with a person of the same sex to absolutely know. They know from what they're aroused by. And it sounds like you're in this category.) As I said, it's quite possible to both be gay and have OCD (or some related anxiety-spectrum disorder) and it sounds like you may meet the criteria for this.

    So I think your best bet is to talk to a therapist who has a strong background in differential diagnosis and, preferably, some knowledge of OCD and sexual orientation issues.
     
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  9. Lexa

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    I don't know if this is helpful but I cannot force my fantasies into men or women either. Sometimes nothing happens when I fantasize about men and sometimes nothing happens when I fantasize over women, sometimes it can be men for a month or women for three weeks... And then it flips. Also what someone else wrote: it is possible that you fantasize more about men because you are with a woman if you're bisexual. Although in my case that's actually not the case.
     
  10. out2019

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    When I first tried to come here, my hands were literally shaking as registered for anonymous forum! I remember trembling when I changed my orientation - on an anonymous forum- to gay. I went through incredible anxiety - and I latched on to that to think "oh I just have hocd" (i know there is no such thing now , there OCD - and you can have ocd about sexuality). @confused155 - so facing this stuff beyond the fantasy of your mind, at least for me, unleashed some pretty intense anxiety!

    I had a lot of denial and that masked itself in 'confusion' but when you are truly ready to know, I think it becomes pretty obvious and 'questioning' is just excuse making (not that we don't all have to go through this phase).

    Once it dawned on me, if I had romantic and sexual fantasies about women as intensely as I do about men, would I brush them off as just fantasy, anxiety or whatever? In my denial phase I would jumped on such evidence as proof I was not gay.
     
  11. confused155

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    Hmm that makes sense. I agree that I may have some form of ocd about this, it doesn’t control my life but it is definitely there. I honestly think I may be bi. Not sure to what extent but the fact I am aroused by the gay fantasies yet am still frequently attracted to women makes me think that at this point, this is probably what I am. This is not to say that i am for sure bi and one day I might not realize I’m gay, but the fact that I am frequently attracted to women in real life and fantasies and have frequent and recurring fantasies of men makes me lean towards this at this point. I have actually been doing better lately where I have given this less power in my life and realizing my sexuality isn’t my be all end all. Since I posted this actually I have probably fantasized about women 25 times and men I couldn’t get aroused to by fantasy but then was able to once with porn (porn pretty much works every time). I have also had good sex with my girlfriend where I enjoyed the moment and enjoyed the intimacy. Either way I think bisexual is the label that works at this point and if that changes then that is okay. I also realize that a lot of gay men initially might think they are bi, so I still have this in the back of my mind as a possibility as well.
     
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  12. RD Spencer

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    It sounds like it might be different for you but what I have seen in my self is that I can usually switch between men and women in my fantasies without much change in arousal. I think my in overall life the male to female fantasies are roughly 50/50. In the end the primary thing that is arousing me is thinking of the sexual experience and energy not much of how hot the person is.
     
  13. Franz007

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    You don‘t sound as you could be gay for me. One of the key-points for me is that you don‘t experience any attraction to guys. I guess you don‘t look at guys and don‘t feel attracted to them as well in your everday‘s life? And i also guess that you never met a guy where you felt some attraction (heart beating etc.) like you have for women? I can relate to this because it‘s also my case.
    I can also relate to the fantasy-part. Mine are mainly about me being the „girl“ and an (anonymous) man making love to me. I had a lot of experiences and enjoyed them mostly. But still no attraction to the person itself. Its more a turn-on about that kind of sex. During my last short relationship with a girl, i never had fantasies about Gaysex anymore and only fantasized about my girlfriend. But i had to consider myself honestly as bisexual even if my attractions for both are on a completely different level. I agree that it‘s a bit concerning having so mich fantasies about sex with men but i still cannot feel gay at all during my social interactions. I am then always interested in women and don‘t even think about men then resp. don‘t even remark them.
    I think putting „gay“ in your profile is a bit of a lie to yourself. But you know better than me how you feel.
     
  14. confused155

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    I am still figuring it out. No never had the heart race or anything with a guy but have with girls many times. There seems to be a strong bias/consensus on EC that if you have any gay fantasies that it means you must be attracted to that sex. However through online research and other forums there isn’t such a consensus. I believe sexuality to be a lot more grey than black or white. I think where it gets more clear is if the fantasies are recurring in nature and don’t require a taboo element to get aroused. Either way best of luck with your journey!
     
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  15. Franz007

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    Thanks ;-)
    Yeah i really think you are right. The attraction you have in your everyday‘s life is a much bigger indicator than just fantasies. But i know that some people don‘t want to see it that way. It‘s just what it is and i also believe sexuality is a grey scale and not only b&w. I wish you best of luck on your journey as well.
     
  16. PeterWI

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    Ah, the ass. The final refuge of the gay or bi guy who's in the "bargaining" phase of accepting homosexuality. At least in my experience. Given your proclivities, you might want to start exploring a little bit more. There is no easy way to get rid of internalized homophobia, but experiences definitely help. One will feel more natural to you than the other. Is it your attraction to women that's the actual compulsion, instead of your gay thoughts? I went through a phase like this where I thought my gay thoughts and fantasies were obsessive-compulsive, but it turned out to be the reverse. Sometimes, apparently, it's just an unrequited impulse to do what we really want to do, and it'll keep rearing its ugly head until you get some head.
     
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  17. Masrur0246

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    I’m a little late with my reply but this is quite interesting. So the part that most intrigued me was your reported lack of reaction to being with an actual man. So here is my insight from what I know or read
    1)Fantasied sexual expression =/= Concrete sexual expression. There has always been reporting of a subset of straight people enjoying gay pornography (Be it straight women watching lesbian porn or straight men watching gay porn) The reverse holds true as well ,where, there exists a subset of gay people enjoying straight porn. Another phenomena is say straight women enjoying gay porn or fantasizing about it even though they don’t take or cannot take part in it. This is not even only limited to sexual orientation and gender but different genres of sexual expression can be fantasied about but aren’t carried over to concrete sexual expression. A subset of asexual people would be an example of such a phenomena, though they may have sexual attractions and proclivities, concreting expressing those sexual attractions is absent or they have no desire to do so.
    2)There may be other factors besides orientation that inhibited your reaction to that man. A few possibilities could be internalized homophobia, anxiety due it being a new experience, reluctance (maybe you weren’t ready) etc, perhaps speak to therapist .
    3)Labels are general tools to help us navigate the world but they have their limitations and your tale is one example of that. We have a sexual orientation and also have or lack a romantic orientation. When someone is labeled gay it generally implies the man is both romantically and sexually attracted to men. But you can have one and lack the other. You might be sexually attracted to men and nothing more. So ask yourself, what does gay mean to you ? What do you think it means to call someone gay?
     
  18. RD Spencer

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    Ask yourself this question. If you had to choose between 1 of 2 worlds to live in for the rest of your life and could never visit the other, which one would you choose.

    A world of just women?

    Or

    A world of just men?

    Just think about that for a moment and let it sink in.


    Now ask your self why you choose the one you did?

    If you are truly bisexual you may always feel like you are making a compromise when it comes to who you date. The question to ask yourself is whether you love the person you are with (do you find yourself wanting to be close, hugging, kissing, desire sex, do you feel good the see the face of the person you are with). If you do then maybe focus more on improving the relationship than worrying about your sexual orientation. Most people need a lot of help when it comes to being a good partner. Both on the love side and on the sex side. Most people are not great at sex as it is and even worse when they are new to it. The good news is that if you actually care to have great sex with your partner you can learn to do so. If you care about the person you are with then focus and research on how to improve your love and sex life. Another thing to think about as well is for most couple’s sex is not the most important thing, loving and supporting each other is. This is especially true when married for awhile and have kids. Sex tends to back seat, this is where help with relationships comes in very handy.


    There is also a lot of confusion about being into ass and anal with women. I am middle aged and have spent all of my life around the average rugged straight guy. I know exactly what straight guys are into.

    All straight guys love women’s boobs and ass. Half of straight guys are more into boobs the other half are more into a women ass. There is evidence of this going back thousands of years. Almost all straight guys are turn on by and talk about doing anal with women. There are all kinds of theories on the internet as to why but it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Some guys have a stronger interest in it than others, but the only time a guy would say that its gross or gay is because he is homophobic. Keep in mind that most women do not like receiving anal and don’t force it.



    It seems like the confusion keeps getting deeper and perhaps perspective is adding to it.

    The explanations of the difference between confusion of bisexuality and just being in denial seem muddy and blurry.

    Different people are going to see your experiences as meaning different things. Humans are inherently biased by their own perspective.

    Straight guys are going to say any same sex thoughts means you are gay, even though most guys have had those thoughts at one time or another.


    What about someone who is predominately gay. I can completely understand that when they hear you are having both same and opposite sex thoughts that there is denial and/or bargaining going on because that is exactly what they went through.


    Then you have bisexuals that think both straight and gay people are crazy and should be more open minded.


    Here is one example of what denial looks like but keep in mind that it can be very different with other people.

    A friend of mine that I have known since our mid-teens were having drinks a few years ago and he told me he used to be into women. I found this quite odd as he had never acted like he loved women. By our late teens everyone but him was convinced that he was gay. When he was sober he would insist he was straight, talk about women (in a very peculiar way) and be homophobic at times. When alcohol was added it was a 180. When drunk a lot of what was going on in his head would come out. He told me things that were clear indicators that he was gay. By our 20s he was drinks heavily at parties, his gay side would come out and he was even being sexual towards other guys who were not at all interested. He would sober up and back to being homophobic straight guy. Sill not out.

    Now here some examples of the peculiar way he talked about women. This was before I suspected he was gay. Back in high school I was talking to him about few cute girls in his school that I liked and I wanted to know more about them. He got angry with me and told me I liked plain and boring women. He also began telling the rest of us guys that we were desperate, pussy whipped and had low standards. He would only say that the very best looking women were attractive because he had higher standards than the rest of us. He did date women but he treated them like they were just friends or worse yet like some prize so he could say he got hotter chicks than the rest of us, but he never acted like he loved them. Another argument we got into was about meeting people. I was still clueless at this time. He was often excited to meet some new guy and he would tell me all about how cool this guy was and all the things he was into. The argument revolved around me not being interested in meeting his new friend because I am not a people person and don’t care much about meeting new people except for some women that I was interested. I don’t remember my friend ever getting this excited over any women. Years later we were with some friends and a girl I know showed up her boyfriend. My friend started talking to the girls boyfriend and would not leave him alone. He was following him around everywhere. The girl got mad at me and told me to keep my friend away from her boyfriend.

    Yes at one time my friend may have found women to be a turn on sexually. But he never seemed to have fallen in love with women.




    In the end for some people it may be less about gender and more about who you fall in love with.


    Sorry about the long post. Not trying to highjack, the thread.
     
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  19. TheJack

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    It sounds like you're a human being with sexual desires.
    Don't fret on labels. I've given up on those a long time ago.
    Do what makes you happy.

    (Also, is this "ass being an indicator of that you might not be straight" an actual thing? Coming from a black guy, the prospect of a girl having ASS is considered a normal turn on in our community)
     
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  20. out2019

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    Have you tried an extended porn break?


    I think a lot of people here started off with thoughts similar to yours... but wound up realizing they were gay - but I agree that isn't necessarily the only path.. but that said, denial can be very, very very strong.

    Again not saying I am you, but I went through this phase..on the other hand, your other quote about fantasizing about women might point to bi - only you can decide.


    I agree,and I sometimes wonder if fantasy is just the self stimulating the self?

    I went through this, i realized it was the only part of a woman that really turned me on, and it didn't turn me on that much, but it reminded me of what I was turned on by - but it took a long time to get there.