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Still questioning, have an overwhelming amount of signs I might be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confused155, Oct 27, 2020.

  1. confused155

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    I am a 27 y/o male who has been questioning my sexuality for 11 years. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love spending time with, sex is ok, and I feel like I have to focus or think about sexy things in order to stay erect to have sex. Not about men, but I will have to think about her ass a lot or think about taboo things while having sex.

    My fantasy life is about 70% gay, 30% straight. Gay fantasies turn me on more and if I’m at work or whatever I will have a lot of gay fantasies. Gay porn turns me on like crazy, but I am able to get turned on thinking about fantasies without porn as well. If I am fantasizing about women, I have to think about a specific girl. It won’t be about just a vagina and sex, it’s about hooking up with a specific girl. If it’s about men, it’s for the most part just the body parts, not a specific man or person.

    Before my girlfriend I tried hooking up with a man in a way, I tried to let him masturbate me but didn’t feel comfortable to let him touch me and couldn’t get erect. I had concluded that I wasn’t gay after this, however the fantasies have not gone away. I don’t feel attracted to men in person, and there are a lot of times (especially when drinking) that I’ll feel attracted to women and won’t question it at all.

    I have had pleasurable experiences with women, and some experiences that were okay. None have really blown me away but there have been some that were good. The main part that turns me on is her butt and I pretty much need to be thinking of that to get erect.

    I think I may be bisexual, or could even be gay, as my fantasies really arouse me and have been here for 11 years since I first saw a gay pornography picture. I also spend a countless amount of time worrying if I am gay, and I think the evidence suggests that I do have some attraction that I need to reconcile.

    I am not sure what to do as I love my girlfriend and want to stay with her, but now I am constantly worried I am gay and not bisexual or straight. The other day she questioned me saying she didn’t think I enjoyed having sex with her or her vagina. I am definitely turned on by her ass but even while having sex I will be thinking about her butt to try to stay in the moment and her vagina doesn’t necessarily turn me on on its own. I did think it was weird that she said that. Sex also causes me a bit of anxiety as I feel pressure to perform so sometimes I have sex as a means to an end rather than enjoying the moment. I do want to stay with this girl as she is amazing and I love her, but there is a part of me that is really worried I’m gay and that later on I won’t be able to continue to be with her.
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Hi confused155,

    I looked back over some of your past postings. I see how you’ve been wrestling with this. I didn’t run across a post suggesting you’d gone to a LGBTQ-friendly therapist for counseling. When I first came on EC I identified as heterosexual/straight, but about 2.5 years ago the male centered fantasies became front and center for me. After some sessions with a counselor I sorted it out that I was bisexual. EC is helpful too, as I find folks who speak of their experiences of themselves. Have you tried counseling? Everyone takes their own path, but I hear your emotions around still being in this questioning mode after 11 years and wanted to be sure to mention that resource of help.
     
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  3. confused155

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    Yes I did an online one when we messaged for about a month. Didn’t really help too much but made me realize that most of my fears of being attracted to the same sex are irrational. Although never concluded if I am actually attracted or if it’s just fantasy. I tried letting a guy touch me for a few minutes and nothing happened, but I didn’t feel comfortable and at all and I know a big part of me wanted nothing to happen so I’m not sure what to make of that experience. My latest conclusion is that I’m bisexual with fluid sexuality, no idea where on the spectrum I would fall though.
     
  4. Chip

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    So what I take from the above is
    - 70% of your fantasies are about men
    - Your gay fantasies are very arousing, but straight fantasies only somewhat so
    - Gay porn is very arousing
    - Sex with your girlfriend is so-so and you have to focus on other fantasies, or on her ass, to be aroused
    - You have difficulty staying aroused with her and thus the sex is more mechanical and short-lived and not really attraction/arousal driven
    - No experiences with women have been really fantastic, but some have been pleasurable
    - You have almost no experience with men, but you find men attractive

    I think anyone who is objectively looking at the above would see someone who is clearly more attracted to men than to women. Whether you are bi or closer to gay is unclear.

    It is very possible that you are closer to gay, but your conscious discomfort with accepting that is keeping you from going fully into arousal and attraction. (The "Well, men arouse me, but I have no attraction to them" is very common among men first coming to terms with being gay. It's like a sort of unconscious protection from accepting that one is gay.)

    One of our former advisors, Lexington, used to make a suggestion for people in this conundrum that often helps. (Note for our members with OCD: this does not apply to you. It won't work for you.) Lex would suggest taking a day and just pretending that you had fully accepted that you were gay. Going out in the world and looking at guys as though that's who you were attracted to. Masturbating and thinking about guys and fantasizing about guys. Imagining yourself being in a loving relationship with a guy. Doing that exercise helps to push past the conscious blocks.

    Now... if you do that and it does absolutely nothing for you, doesn't excite you, and it's just "meh", then you probably don't have much attraction to guys. But if either you find yourself super aroused and excited, or you find it creates great anxety (again, this does not apply to people with OCD) then it is a lot more likely you are closer to the gay end of the spectrum.

    The challenge is that there is a disconnect between conscious and unconscious; no one wants to be gay. In your case, it likely means giving up a relationship and giving up a view of yourself as straight, so there is loss to process. As we do that, we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. Not necessarily in order, and it can take minutes or months (sometimes longer) to go through this.

    But I would suggest trying that exercise and, if you are comfortable, reporting back what happens.
     
  5. confused155

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    Thanks for your detailed answer Chip. I had tried that when I had that guy over (or at least to the best of my ability l) but I could not get aroused. Maybe I didn’t get in the moment though.

    I will try that a day this week when I’m on my own to determine how I feel living a day consciously thinking and fantasizing like a gay man. I am aware I have a big conscious bias of wanting to be straight.

    for my straight fantasies, I want to add that with certain girls during sex I have been very aroused where I was fully immersed in the experience, but this was only a couple of times with girls. I also have a lot of taboo fantasies about girls who I “shouldn’t be with” I.e a girlfriends best friend, a step cousin, etc. that do arouse me. It may be less about their body parts and more about the taboo of the fantasy though.

    Have any other gay/bi men had experiences like this before fully accepting themselves?
     
  6. Contented

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    My experience has been fear was a major component in slowing my transition from a unhappy “ straight” guy to a comfortable gay guy.
    I started to lose interest in my then GF along with women in general and then the ability to become aroused with my GF. I tried to denied the same sex attraction but it became stronger and stronger. I worried about losing my identity as a man by embracing my homosexuality. Of course this was just my internalized homophobia surfacing. With some work with a LGBTQ therapist I was able to come to terms and finally embrace being gay. It is difficult for sure as you embrace being gay as it is a significant change to your particular paradigm. I can say with certainty that once you are free from the fear and internalized homophobia acknowledging your homosexuality makes sense and the liberation and freedom it provides allows you to see your future much more clearly with the potential for a fulfilling happy life as a openly gay man. Once you drop off your baggage, the ride becomes easier and dare I say fun.
     
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  7. confused155

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    Thanks for the reply contented. I have seen your posts and I think you seem a lot like me (before you knew you were gay). What I find tough right now is that I love my girlfriend, want to stay with her, and sex is still okay and enjoyable at times. So I guess this is a block to me for exploring my sexuality. I think there is also a real chance that I’m bisexual, and if that is the case I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my current girlfriend. If I am gay, then I guess there is really no option. Would you feel attracted to random girls you met when you thought you were straight? Or was it conditioned attraction?
     
  8. confused155

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    I know for sure I have at least a little bit of attraction to girls as I have in the past been attracted to lots that I have met (especially when it’s new and exciting) but I’m wondering if that will go away the more I explore my homosexual desires
     
  9. Contented

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    In my case when I look back I think that attraction was actually a conditioned response more than true attraction. I knew that I was expected to find women attractive so to conform I convinced myself that I did. As I continued to explore my homosexuality the conditioned response started to fade rather quickly. Before long I didn’t even notice them. Like you I loved my then gf but came to realize not in a romantic or sexual way but rather as a person. I truly felt bad at the end but it would have been impossible to continue with her. I was no longer capable nor interested in being with her or any woman. My opinion is as you explore your same sex attraction in more detail your desire and attraction to women will eventually fade away allowing you to wholeheartedly embrace your homosexuality. What you are experiencing from what I read is certainly not uncommon. It is tough to embrace your same sex attraction as we perceive we are giving up an established identity.
     
  10. confused155

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    Yes that definitely makes sense. I’m glad you were able to work past that to where you are today. For the conditioned response you say you had, were there ever instances when it wasn’t conditioned. I.e you’re flirting with a girl and get erect, thinking about a girl in a sexual way and get erect. I’m trying to see if my “attractions” are different than yours or if I’m dealing with the same sort of thing
     
  11. confused155

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    Like today, I was watching a video on YouTube with a girl talking, I creeped her Instagram, saw her butt in a bikini and it instantly got me hard (without even trying to). Things like these make me think I’m probably not 100% gay
     
  12. Contented

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    In my so called straight days I did indeed flirt with women after all I was convinced I was straight. For reasons that later became very apparent I always thought of myself as a butt guy when looking at women. Of course now I know why! Sure I was able to become erect but in retrospect it was never nearly as intense, erotic or as sensual as being with another guy. Now the idea of being with a woman seems so foreign and frankly gross to me. I sometimes ask myself how I ever was intimate with any women but that’s me.
    No one is trying to convince you, you are 100% gay. Only you know that answer, however it’s seems as if you are trying to deny that fact, at least based on what you post. It is understandable as having to acknowledge your gay is a life changing event and one that for all later in lifers is very scary at first. You will figure it out I am sure. Just to open and honest with yourself and don’t let heteronormative brainwashing stall your progress one way or the other.
     
    #12 Contented, Oct 30, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2020
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  13. Chip

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    I think one of the things that gets in the way of people accepting that they are gay (not saying you are, just explaining) is the idea that everyone just knows at some point early in life. And that isn't true. We've had plenty of people here at EC who dated girls, had sex with them, married a woman, had kids... and then, years later, figured it out. Others who grew up always dating girls, having sex with them, being aroused... but then (suddenly or slowly) figured out they simply weren't as attracted to women.

    I dated girls in high school and in my early 20s. It never occurred to me to date a guy, and it never occurred to me that I was gay. But somewhere in my mid-20s, I just started realizing that there was attraction to guys. Took me a long time to really figure it out, and wasn't really until my late 20s to really figure out that I was gay, and not until early 30s that I came to really be able to tell people. In my early-mid-20s, I would have never thought of myself as gay, and I always assumed I'd end up married to a woman. But of course, eventually I figured out otherwise, and when i did, whatever attraction for women I'd had just sort of went away.

    By virtue of my history of having dated women and had sexual experiences with them, I'd have to say that I'm a Kinsey 5 or 5-1/2. (scale 0 to 6, with 6 being totally gay). But while I wouldn't rule it out 100%, I simply couldn't fathom being in a relationship with a woman at this point. And also, as I came to accept myself, I discovered there were more things from my childhood and early teen years where, when I looked back, I could go "Oh yes, I guess that should have been an indication." But I was pretty blind to those until I was really able to accept myself.
     
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  14. 10 5 gang

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    I've never heard your story, interesting. Can I ask you about your sexual fantasies and porn uses from before you realized you were gay?
     
  15. Chip

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    Porn wasn't a thing, so it was fantasy. Interestingly, a lot of the fantasies were female-oriented, but some were male-oriented. More interestingly, it never occurred to me at the time that the male-oriented fantasies meant anything in terms of who I was actually attracted to.

    It wasn't until my mid-20s that I started noticing that the interests were a lot more toward guys than girls. It wasn't a sudden, lightning bolt moment, more of a slow awakening.

    But cultural acceptance and the visibility of gay people in society makes a huge difference in terms of the awareness of kids who have grown up in the late 90s and 2000s. So I think the possibility is more on one's mind than it might have been earlier on.
     
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  16. 10 5 gang

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    So would you say there are straight guys that might be more curious in guys due to the better acceptance we have over homosexuals than we did before?
     
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  17. Chip

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    Meh, I'm not sure I'd say more curious, just more aware of the possibility and so they might consider it. But a typical straight dude is going to consider whether s/he is gay for about 30 seconds. "Hmmm. I wonder if I'm gay? Well, the idea of sucking a dick completely repels me, and I can't get hard remotely thinking about being with a guy, so that's a no."

    I do think that a lot of people, especially those under ~25, are a bit more open minded, so a guy who is straight might be less uncomfortable about the idea of simply trying something with a guy than in previous years, but I'd attribute that more to openness to new experiences rather than curiosity, if that makes sense.
     
  18. LetsGoNow

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    I think you are bisexual. There is more to relationships than sex. Try not to worry too much about labels.
     
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  19. out2019

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    I used to have fantasies not exactly like that but the 'taboo' aspect ...but they were not as intense as my gay ones like you I couldn't focus on the parts, it was the taboo- if i did focus it was the ass..... When I did the exercise Chip describes above I finally also started to have romantic fantasies about men - and that made the sexual part more intense and.. it was all over.. I am not "100%" gay - I can have sex with a woman and enjoy it, but after doing this exercise, I no longer have fantasies about women, at all.

    I still find women attractive, but I don't get aroused.
     
    #19 out2019, Nov 4, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2020
  20. SeattlebiM

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    Maybe you don't have to fantasize about women when you have one, you are only fantasizing about what you don't have? I hate making a blanket statement like this because everyone is different, with different layers and motivations. Just a thought though. Sexuality can be so complex, and I guess doubly so when we're bi.
     
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