Still confused (In so much turmoil update)

So it has been a little while since my original post on this site.
https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/in-so-much-turmoil.490906/

I still know that I am early in this journey but it seems whenever I come to some form of conclusion or at the least, some acceptance of not knowing, something else happens that throws a wrench in the whole deal.

I have been attending therapy on a weekly basis and that has been helpful, at least in talking through some things with another human being other than trying to figure it out in my head on my own. I have also gone back on one of my meds and that has done wonders for my anxiety as well as alleviating most of my depression. However, I think my depression largely stems from my uncertainty over my sexuality and still grieving the loss of the relationship with my Ex.

About a month ago, I had come to the conclusion that I was at least a queerish person who definitely has an attraction to transgender women. Sure, my attractions, experiences, and relationships up until this summer had been exclusively toward women, but I have also been a regular consumer of trans porn for 10+ years. I also had two sexual experiences with two different trans women this summer and although they were wrought with anxiety, they were physically/biologically successful. So in my mind, I was like, hey, maybe what you're truly attracted to is trans women but you're just uncomfortable with it a little due to inexperience, society's standards, etc. I suppose there's a small part of me that suspects there could be more to it than simply being attracted to trans women, but I still don't feel attracted to or drawn to men. I know it is not the greatest indicator but I have also not felt the need or desire to switch my porn consumption from trans to gay porn either.

However, in the midst of this "acceptance," I have had intense bouts of missing my ex. I think about her every day, but there are some days that I am fixated on her and get really upset at the reality of our/my situation. There are times when thinking of her that I get so overwhelmed with emotion and start sobbing. There have also been periods where I understand that if I am this queerish, possibly gay, person she was not the one for me nor was I the one for her. The idea of that hurts but it's the truth. Even if I remove all that has happened since we split regarding the confusion over my sexuality, I cannot deny the fact that I bought a ring, went out there to propose, and was unable to do so. Once again, a painful thought to accept, but if I was truly in love with her, would I have gone through with the proposal? Wouldn't I be with her now?

During this time, I have also explored the possibility of dating trans women. Nothing serious, as I am clearly not over my last relationship, but I figured, how does one truly know their attraction is real without experiencing it? Sure, I had my experiences with the two trans escorts but those were what they were. Transactional sex. So I joined a few websites and started chatting. Now a lot of the girls on these sites are international so there has been a whole lot of success but I was able to make a connection with someone who at least lives in the States. Long story short, we got to the point of talking on the phone. Although the conversations were good and somewhat of a bond was formed, I struggled a bit with her voice. I'd be attracted by her pictures but when we spoke I could not help but be a bit turned off by her voice. I don't mean to offend, but it's the truth. This was also the case when we facetimed. In pictures, she presented one way, but when we facetimed things were different. Through the natural course of things she kind of picked up on the fact that I was still exploring who I was and we decided to remain friends, a good decision from my perspective. Even still, I was struck by the "roadblocks" in my attraction. Sure it could be that she wasn't the girl for me, but it seems that whenever any masculinity was detected, I was automatically turned off.

Throughout all of this, I have basically abandoned my attempt to give up pornography. I even had daydream fantasies about encounters with transwomen that would get me physically aroused. As stated above, I concluded that I am this trans-attracted person so why deny that attraction? But my experience talking with this trans woman made me question my previous conclusion. It got to the point where I was curious to explore this attraction again in a more physical manner so I did so with another escort, not one of the two I had been to before. Not to be graphic but we did most everything other than me bottoming for her, that's not really something I have much desire to try. There was a little anxiety in the beginning due to the nature of the encounter. My arousal vacillated but ultimately I was physically aroused during the early part of the encounter. However, about halfway through, I hit a wall and was like a wet noodle. We tried to carry on but with no success. Ultimately, I just got out of there.

But this has NEVER happened to me. In my original post, I stated that I had times when in relationships with women I had difficulty achieving orgasm. Not always, but there were occasions when I would either take FOREVER or could not finish at all, but I NEVER lost it during any of these instances. During that time, I chalked it up to masturbating too much. Now, in hindsight, I think there's a possibility that it has something to do with my attractions and how I am hardwired. However, I had never lost my erection with a woman so the fact that it has happened now after my "acceptance" or "conclusion" has really made me question who I really am and what it is I am actually attracted to. My most recent sexual encounter with a cisgender woman was just a few months ago and this didn't happen, I don't have this issue during masturbation, so I doubt it is ED related.

It could simply have been the person or the experience but it really does make me question my attractions and sexuality further. Am I deluded into thinking that I can find the most feminine, passable trans woman? Am I truly attracted to that beyond the stimulation generated by porn? Did I just simply have an unsuccessful sexual experience? I know I am still early in my journey but it just feels like one step forward, two steps back.

 

@Sadness thanks for the reply! I'm glad to hear that someone can relate to what I am going through. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there are many here whose questioning revolves around trans women.

Ever since the "failed" proposal and my first experience with a trans woman, my desire for cisgender women has dropped dramatically. Thoughts and fantasies about women that used to arouse me don't really do much anymore. Neither does straight porn and I used to watch girls do solo stuff also as much as trans porn up until very recently. In fact, sometimes thoughts about sex or dating women give me a twinge of anxiety, which is an entirely new development for me. Never ever have I experienced that before. Maybe some butterflies or some nerves before a date, but never any anxiety over it.

I have similar fantasies as you regarding trans women and they are very arousing. In all honesty, these fantasies are the only ones that currently get me physically aroused without porn. However, as I said in the original post, this last experience with the trans escort is really making me question if my attraction is genuine. I have never in my life lost my erection during intercourse. In past, I had some experiences with women when it took me a very long time to finish or I could not finish at all, but even then I was erect the entire time. In this most recent experience with a trans woman, the physical arousal just went away. Nothing she or I did could change that. That has never happened to me with a woman.

I have considered what you said about porn as I have been a nearly daily porn user for many years. In the back of my mind, I felt that this could have been the cause of some of the intimacy issues I had in the past with women. However, recently it just feels like there's something bigger than that driving this. As if something within me was awakened and demands to be seen. To me, right now, I thought that meant truly coming to terms with my interest and attraction to trans women, but I'd be lying if there was not a part of me that didn't think I might actually be gay and I'm just bargaining or something.

I don't know what to think anymore. I really don't even know what I'm attracted to anymore. I don't know what to do to figure it out.