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Son came out on Saturday...

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by CAMom, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. CAMom

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    Hi All! Glad to find a place where I can talk and get advice.

    My son is 16...we are very close. He totally shocked my on Saturday by coming out to me as gay. I guess he is romantically bi and sexually gay he said or something like that? Please forgive me if I get the terminology wrong.

    I totally support him and love him so much. I just want him to be happy.

    I am just really and truly taken by surprise. He is very shy but has had crushes on girls for years. He hasn’t had a girlfriend but was coming for advice on how to talk to this one girl he liked all through freshman and sophomore years. And, there was a girl he had planned to ask to the prom this year. So, I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

    He is planning on coming out as gay to his friends. I support whatever he decides but seems a bit limiting at this point since I know he liked girls before, wouldnt he really be bi? But i hear that people don’t like that label nowadays...??

    I am just really worried with his social anxiety and this about him getting hurt. I love him so incredibly much and I never want to see him in pain. He is so naive. He thinks everyone will be accepting and fine with it. And, since we live in California it probably is a bit better....but he wants to go to college in the mid-west. I was nervous before because he is so shy but now it does scare me.

    How can I help? I also am sad but have been trying to keep that from him. (Selfishly it is a “death” of sorts of the dreams/ideas I had for him. I know that is petty of me so I haven’t said anything to him. He was incredibly brave for coming out)

    Thanks for any help!
    Just a Mom
     
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  2. Chiroptera

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    Hello CAMom,

    Welcome to EC!

    First of all, thank you for being supportive. You are a great mom, and the world needs more accepting parents like you. :slight_smile:

    Don't worry about getting it wrong. You are trying to learn and that's what is important!

    There's no scientific evidence that suggests a separation between romantic and sexual attraction. In other words, It doesn't make much sense to be "romantically attracted" to someone, but not sexually.

    That may indicate that he is either testing the waters on coming out to you, instead of just saying "i'm X", or it is possible that he is still figuring things out himself.

    Either way, I think it is important to let him take his time, without pressure. You can support him by being there with him if he wants to talk (which you are already doing, if I understand your post correctly). :slight_smile:


    About the label "bisexual", there are some people who have prejudice against it. They say we are "confused", but that's not true.

    Being straight means you are attracted to people of the opposite gender. Being gay means you are attracted to people of the same gender. Being bisexual means you are attracted to people of both genders.

    So, for instance, a gay man is only attracted to other men, and has no romantic and sexual attraction to women. A bi man, on the other hand, can be attracted to a man or a woman - gender isn't a restriction in this case.

    It is important to understand that only a person can truly discover their orientation. We can see some flags in one's behavior, but, as we aren't inside that person's head and feelings, we can't know for sure.

    The fact that he mentioned having crushes on girls can either mean he just did what the other boys did (talk about girls, look at them, etc.) because of the social pressure, or it could mean that he indeed had these crushes and interests. Only he can think about it and know for sure (and, if he is confused, it may take some time for him to interpret his feelings about this).
    If you are like my mom i'm pretty sure you already talked to him about how some people aren't so accepting, and how some people may react negatively about him coming out. I think it is important to tell him to be careful (because, unfortunately, we live in a world full of hate and prejudice), but, in my opinion, you should also try not to alarm him too much. Sure, being careful is important, but it is also important for him to accept himself and to discover positive people and friends who he can trust.

    Again, it is amazing that you see the positive side on all of this! Yes, it takes a huge amount of courage to come out, and it is really nice that you see how brave he was!

    As for your sadness, that is normal. As you said, parents have dreams and ideas for the future of their sons and daughters. And that's fine. But it is important, in my opinion, to understand two things:

    First, he has his life. Sure, your support and the education you give him is of extreme importance. However, he is a different person, with his own personal feelings, desires, ideas and thoughts. Some things may correspond to your expectations, and that's great! However, some may be a little different, and it is important to recognize his own space too, especially as he grows up.

    It's like a parent who wishes that his son becames a medic, but the son wants to be a teacher. The parent may be frustrated at first, but he needs to understand that the son is a different person and may be happier in a different situation other than the one imagined by the parent. :slight_smile: (This is a personal example by the way - but my father understands it now, haha).

    Second, he is still your son. The only thing that changed is that know you know him a little better, and you know he likes boys. That doesn't change who he is as a person. Our orientation is just a small part of ourselves and, althought it is important, it doesn't define everything. :slight_smile:

    I hope my post helped you. Feel free to keep talking to me/us if you want! We are here to help. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. NicoC123

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    This is a totally common feeling to have. I think there is a lot you are feeling and it is great you are taking the time to process. This is an adjustment for you just as it is for him.

    I think taking the time to sit down and talk with him could be a good idea. If you guys are close I suggest sitting him down and sharing your concerns about his safety. Please do not discuss this figurative "death" of him with him though. That is something that you will need to deal with with time, and you will. Therapy or talking it out with a friend is a great way to organize your thoughts and maybe create a new vision for your son despite his new label.

    His sexuality is his own to come to terms with and the best thing you can do to protect him form the outside world as well as help him in his internal workings is let home be a safe place to explore himself and figure things out. Your mentality that I can view from your post is spot on. You are doing great and as long as you keep talking to him and keeping him safe and loved at home you should be just fine!
     
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  4. Rade

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    Welcome CAmom

    You sound an amazing mum. Keep the communication going, letting your son have opportunity to talk further with you. He might be bisexual or gay but his your son and you love him.

    Not everybody is accepting. I think he needs to be sure he wants to tell people. Perhaps he should discuss this further with you. If he wants to tell people perhaps he should start with a close friend for example. Alot of us come out gradually at the start, well I did.

    Warm regards Jon
     
    #4 Rade, Mar 19, 2019
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  5. johndeere3020

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    Hi, CAmom. Thanks for being a cool parent! Many of us never had that in our lives. The Midwest is more open minded than you might think. Where is he planning on school? If in Minnesota, Iowa, or Wisconsin maybe I can give you some insight to ease your concerns.

    Dean
     
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  6. Filip

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    First of all, welcome! And also thanks, for being such a great mom and taking this so positively!

    As other posters said, it's normal to need a bit of grieving. It's only normal for a parent to have hopes and dreams for their kids, and even in these modern, more accepting times, being gay adds some extra complications that being straight doesn't. Ones that most parents don't have a lot of experience with, so they seem frightening and scary and new and in the beginning even insurmountable.

    You're right in that he probably can't use a full blast of all of those emotions. He's finally done grieving for his old straight self that never was. Coming out is a sign he's already worked through some, most, or all of that. You're only starting on that process. And asking him to go through that together with you is a bit much.

    BUT! In my experience, (or more accurate, my own mother's, I suppose), there are definitely a few things you can do to facilitate the process.

    If you have a good personal friend, who is both discreet and supportive, you can ask your son if you can confide your situation in that friend. When we're coming out, we often start with telling some discreet, accepting people, who then act as a sort of "buddy". A safe haven to be open with while we work on the rest of the world. It's not too unreasonable to get one of those for yourself.
    If you don't immediately know one (or your son is not amenable to the idea at first), there are also organisations like PFLAG that consist of parents of gay kids banding together for somemutual support and advice. I don't have any personal experience with them, but I have many firthand account of great experiences.

    You probably have to accept that to some extent, the roles may be weirdly inverted for a bit. For you this is new. On the other hand, I can guarantee that your son has been working on this for quite some time. He'll have researched stuff, googled things, given them a lot of thought. Yes, he's young. But these sort of revelations also tend to make one more mature than the average kid.
    That doesn't mean you have to agree with everything he wants to do. But it might be best to approach this moore from a position of equals. You have life experience but no " being gay experience". He has the opposite. He's not expecting you to teach him how to be gay. But you might be phenomenal as a sounding board, a fellow traveler on the journey.

    Above all, keep being supportive. Keep being open. If you have a question, ask it. If he has something to tell, let him. Keep the communication on the topic active, even if it's just by acknowledging it in little ways.
    Not to throw my own mom under the bus here, but she kept penting up her own questions and observations for fear of saying something wrong, and after a time I felt like the topic was becoming so uncomfortable I put it in the freezer. We lived for three years like that until the ice was finally broken again. Now we're very open about it again, but I do feel like I could have used the openness in my first couple of years out of the closet.


    Yes, the above is all focused on what you can do. But I would be amiss if I didn't offer some thoughts on the other topics you brought up:

    First off: yes, it's scary to know that he'll soon be letting others in on his orientation. But I can also say for myself that coming out is what allowed me to break out of my shell. I was shy, socially anxious, didn't hang out with other kids unless I absolutely had to.
    And while coming out wasn't easy (I did it only in my mid 20s), it was instrumental in finally getting me out of that rut.
    Am I still socially anxious? Well, yes. It's a constant struggle. But coming out also gave me a lot of life experience. I learned which friends were true, and which ones weren't. I learned how to deal with rejection. I learned better how to read people. I learned to make some true connections.
    Sure, I'd have done some of that without coming out. But not having to worry about keeping secrets just allows me to be so much more authentic. I can interact with people as myself, not as who I imagine they want me to be.
    And as hard as it may be... you don't learn how to socialise without some misses and disappointments. Coming out taught me how to deal with them, rather than how to pathologically avoid them.

    So I have a feeling he'll be allright. He'll end up disappointed in some people. He'll have some hurdles. He'll have some broken friendships. Most gay people have that. But when the dust settles, it's better to live life as yourself.

    As for college choices... yes, it's the Midwest. My location might say Belgium, but I spend a lot of time in the Midwest. Both for work (mostly in Wisconsin and Iowa), as for personal reasons (my boyfriend is originally from Idaho, and I tend to spend at least a couple of weeks a year there).
    It sure is a different place from the coasts. Even if it is also rapidly changing.
    But on the other hand, universities are also microcosms. My boyfriend came out in college in upstate Idaho and had precisely zero issues. I've gone on a visit to his old university, and the server in the cafetaria gave us a large ice cream with two spoons and told us we were cute together. Even if a couple villages over, I'd still not be able to walk hand in hand with him.

    So it's something that bears thinking about, but also something that can be researched. If you have a college in mind, look up if they have an active GLBT organisation. Look up some testimonies from GLBT students. These things can generally be found if one knows where to look. And quite often those will give you a good idea what you're looking at.

    Finally... yeah, it's weird to see him suddenly do a 180 on dating girls. But it's something I did too. Before I came out, if my mom even dared indicate having an inkling of knowing that gay people possibly existed in some part of the world, I'd go into full self defense mode and invent a girl I had a crush on. Our minds do weird things when we're in the closet and are obsessed with keeping those doors tightly shut.
    Also, he might have legitimately tried dating girls and found that they didn't quite work for him on all fronts. It's probably what he means with saying he's romantically bi. Girls can be inspiring, and awesome, and you can totally get fascinated with them. A feeling that's very much comparable to a crush. Then again, if you're gay, it's nice to be able to go further than a platonic crush with someone.

    It might bear further talks. But even if it turns out he totally lied to keep you off his trail, don't be too hard on him. We all lie in the closet. Coming out is a sign we can finally leave the lies in the past, so that's where they are best left.


    Above all, I think you're doing just fine. You'll be OK, and he will. You've got this, even if it currently doesn't feel like it.
    And we're not going anywhere if you want to talk further!
     
    #6 Filip, Mar 19, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
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  7. Chip

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    First, you're an absolutely awesome mom. So many people here would love to have a mom as supportive and loving as you are, so don't take yourself for granted in that regard. :slight_smile:

    Second, while I know nothing about your son, I can tell you a bit about the stages of loss (in this case, loss of perception that he's straight.) Denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So during the "bargaining" phase is where someone accepts that they're gay, but still desperately hopes/rationalizes that they might still end up with an opposite-sex partner. And it seems that the (nonexistent) separation between romantic and sexual orientation is the in-vogue 2019 way of saying, in effect, "I'm still trying to leave the door open that I could end up "normal". Most likely, he either already knows he's gay, and is cushioning the blow for you, or he's in the 'bargaining' phase and not being honest with himself.

    What confuses matters is that many gay men get along famously with women. Now... for centuries, we've referred to this relationship between men and women they aren't sexually attracted to as "friendship" but someone, somewhere got the bright idea of reframing that as 'romantic orientation', which is not actually a thing, at least not one recognized by credible organizations or any significant number of professionals in the field.

    So as far as your son appearing straight... it's actually not at all uncommon for gay kids to not realize they're gay until somewhere around puberty +/- 3 or 4 years. I know plenty of gay guys who dated (and had sex with) girls in high school, and eventually realized they were lying to themselves and everyone around them.

    Now... all of the above said, I wouldn't absolutely rule out the idea that he's bisexual... and there are, indeed, plenty of people who are genuinely bisexual, but in this case, the way he is describing himself would, to me, indicate someone who is likely gay and not bisexual.

    It's quite possible that the social anxiety is fueled in large part by a part of him knowing he was gay, and not being open (either with himself or with anyone else) about it. You may find that as he accepts this part of himself that he suddenly blossoms.

    Depending on what part of California (there's still some bigotry in the boonies here), yes, it's generally very accepting. And depending on what school in the Midwest, he may find that environment even more accepting; schools like Oberlin (in OH), Grinnell (IA), Carleton (MN), Antioch (OH), Kenyon (OH) and many others are extremely liberal and accepting, and have a large LGBT population. If you know of specific schools he's considering, we may have some info on what the environments are like.

    The truth is... he will get hurt. Whether by someone criticizing him for being gay, someone breaking his heart, or someone just being an asshole, this happens at some point to just about everyone, gay or straight. And we can't (and shouldn't) protect our kids from this, because eventually they'll have to deal with disappointment and heartbreak... and one of the biggest problems colleges are seeing in their incoming classes is kids who are so sheltered and pampered by parents that they've never had any adversity and are unequipped to deal with it. So, even though it goes against what you (or any other good parent) wants... we really have to let our kids fall, fail, get hurt in order for them to develop resilience. :frowning2:
     
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  8. CAMom

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    Thank you all for such thoughtful responses! The more I talk to him I really feel like he has thought this out and is comfortable with who he is. He seems much happier (although he is still nervous about it all). He has started talking about his crush and his dream of going to prom in May.

    I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comments. i am sure I will have more questions as the weeks continue.

    Right now I have just told a couple of close friends/family that are out of town and would understand. I am afraid of telling my brothers for instance because if they say anything insensitive and Would go all mama bear in their face.

    BTW, the schools he is looking at going are larger...Purdue, Ohio State, Penn State (he has great grades but the UCs are hard/next to impossible to get into here lately.) Plus, I think he wants to experience life outside of CA. I looked them up and they seemed to be LGBTQ friendly.

    Any helpful hints on navigating the road ahead is appreciated.

    Much love,
    CAMom
     
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  9. Chip

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    I know that Ohio State and Penn State are definitely LGBT friendly and welcoming. Purdue may be as well; I'm just personally less familiar. But the truth is, most larger schools (excluding ones whose primary focus is religion) are generally very accepting, and some are super welcoming; Oberlin at one point had about 30% LGBT students; dunno what it is now, but I would not be surprised if there's something similar at a number of smaller schools.
     
  10. brainwashed

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    Bingo. I equate many freshmen college students to be more like 8th graders when talking about being sheltered and pampered.
     
  11. beenthrdonetht

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    Very good signs.

    I recall classmates who didn't know how to do their own laundry. Sheesh!

    Helicopter parents? Ha, my mom would say "OK everybody out of the house, I need some quiet."
     
  12. Pianofan

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