1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Some thoughts on my attraction

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sadness, Nov 3, 2021.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I noticed something that changed suddenly but never paid much attention. I used to have a lot of moments when i would see a handsome man and would feel anxious. But now my friends call a lot of men handsome and for some reason this moments decreased a lot, i would see a handsome guy and would say, hes handsome and feel nothing.

    Another thing is, im strating to think that somehow my innability to feel attraction for woman comes from the fact that i cant even masturbate to them effecticely and feel a lot of joy. The fact that i feel a weird feeling in my stomach when i see a womans vagina just confused me for a while, because only if i stimulated myself i would be able to feel arousal, and it was hard sometimes, only lookig was very hard to feel arousal, only this weird bad feeling. But when i used to see a transwoman naked i would get a hard on almost instantly, for her erect penis.

    I know it all comes to my huge use of porn, and that it affected me to the point that i can almost only masturbate to a transwoman and her penis. Its the only thing that gives me real arousal at this moment.

    So i thought that this could be the reason why i cant have real connections to woman anymore. I noticed that there was 1 woman that i could fantasize rn, and i dont feel this bad feeling when i think about her naked or going down on her. I still talked to this girl tho.

    So i think that this "fetish" which i feel really bad for having (transwoman) is making me lose interest on other things (vagina). I dont know if this makes sense, but i was just thinking about it.
     
  2. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It doesnt matter how many appointments i go, how many medicines i take. It just get more confusing everyday.

    I was thinking about a girl while masturbating, than switched to a guy and thought about doing a bj for him, and i didnt get soft, i was still hard and was feeling arousal, dont if it was bc i was already aroused, but it seemed that i could masturbate to that and orgasmed.

    Does porn really fucked me up this bad? Then i switched to a transwoman and thought about doing her a blowjob and it just very arousing and i orgasmed. Why sucking a woman penis is so arousing to me.

    Is it really just ocd and porn addiction, bc i could masturbate about doing a bj to a guy and dont lose erection and feel arousal? Why now tho? Why it just happened now all of sudden, why not at the begining of this hell.

    Do penis now arouse me? I am really confused more and more everyday. I want to forget about all this but when i masturbate i just have the urge to test and things like this happen. I dont know what to do or think now. Bc it feels like im really bisexual, since this fantasy.

    Is it bc of my fetish with transwoman penises? Bc i didnt have that before either.

    Than it would make sense tho as to why i did got hard when thought about a guy rubbing his penis in me to test when i was at a friends house.

    Its getting harder and harder to cope everyday. I change meds, talk to psychiatrist have appointments, talk to you guys, but im lost. It feels like im bi and just dont want to say it.

    Theres no way this fantasy that i tested now not mean that im bi like why so sudden.

    Im lost really lost, everyday i get more confused
     
  3. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Sorry for posting too much today but its just bc i feel lonely and fucked up, i almost cried the whole with what happened today, i tested too much. I was good for a long time, is so sad to see that im at the bottom again.

    I tried again thinking about sucking a mans dick and it seems i have a arousal feeling maybe and some erection and i cant say if its just bc im stimulating myself or bc im like, or ocd.

    But i couldt masturbate all the way and finish like always but anle to have reactions that i didnt use to is drive me insane.

    And yeah my weird fantasie of being submissive to a transwoman do a bj to her and feel a good amount of arousal and pleasure, and be able to masturbate normally to this, just makes it more confusing, since afterall its a penis.

    Sorry for all the huge texts, i just feel sad and depressed and messed up sorry, i feel like all your hardwork on helping me i throw away, which i dont want, i really am thankful for you guys. Sorry for that.
     
  4. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    621
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    If it's OCD you're not going to think or test your way out of it.
    What are you doing to help with it?
     
  5. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Im taking meds everyday correctly, stop watching porn (its not everytime that i can tho) trying to masturbate less and less everyday, and having appointments. This are the things im doing now.

    I was good for almost a month but im here again, more confused than ever.

    Was it you the one that thought you had ocd too right? If its not a problem can you explain to me how you conclude that it wasnt in fact ocd?
     
    out2019 likes this.
  6. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    621
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    When things were 'good' how did you feel? Only you can know but from what I have read from you it sounds like high high anxiety, ocd and confusion/escalation caused by viewing porn.

    That was one thing I considered and I am not an expert but you can also have a lot of anxiety about your sexuality when questioning and that can lead to ocd-like behavior - constantly testing- I have also noted that when someone is in this state gauging anything can be really tough.

    it might be more helpful if you tried to take a break from testing/questioning reading up on it - because you know no amount is going to help you...

    read back on some of your own posts:

    before porn is this how you felt? Does that sound like someone gay to you?

    now read some of mine:
    see the difference
     
    #6 out2019, Nov 12, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2021
  7. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I dont like that my texts are posted later but being supervisioned is good.

    I was very very happy, its visual how my happines has been taken from me those days, even my parents notice that im sad, but i didnt tell them why.

    Yes i indeed felt this way, even tho i already watched porn this time, when i was 11 or 12

    I really saw the difference. I think the biggest issue here is my sudden fetish to transwoman, i dont have this urge to go down on a woman, never had, even tho i really wanted, but i never experimented so i cant say.

    I get aroused fantasizing about going down on a woman, but i mostly feel this weird feeling, dont k ow why, feels like im not enjoying, even tho im hard.

    While transwoman i judt get very aroused, dont feel any of this and can masturbate easy to this, and i never used to do this. But now maybe bc of my porn use, thinking about sucking a transwoman penis is very arousing, even more than a vagina.

    And with men i have a mix feeling of anxiety and other things until i get hard whule masturbating, after getting hard i lose anxiety but start to get soft again, then hard, and thrn soft, i cant really do it.

    There are good differenced between us but this is my main problem.
     
  8. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,076
    Likes Received:
    3,945
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Long and short, no amout of discussing this, rehashing it, explaining it again is going to change anything. There is no person on earth who could explain something to you and you'd go "Oh! I get it now! That's the way OCD works. It hijacks reason.

    So the important question: Have you clearly explained to your psychiatrist or whomever is prescribing that your medication is not working at all? It can often take two or three different medications, and several different dosage experiments to find something that works. Sometimes it takes a combination of more than one medication.

    The point is, for as long as you've been on EC. you've been saying pretty much exactly the same thing. And you have been getting therapy, and you have, at least for part of that time, been on medication. And it is clearly not working.

    You need someone to help you get either more attention from your therapist and psychiatrist, or to get a new therapist and/or psychiatrist.
    What you are doing isn't working. And you deserve better than that.

    Please take steps to get the help you need today.
    Posting endlessly about the topic here will not help.
     
    out2019 and BiGemini87 like this.
  9. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yes, its not been a long time thatbi changed my medicines again, i thought i should wait a little more to see the results, and it seems i will have to take more and more.

    I know i have ocd, i trully know, but at the end od the day im just confused about wheter i will have to come to terms with my sexuality after i deal with this, its too much, i suffered enough already, i dont want more suffering.

    I think i will delete this account, maybe it can help idk
     
  10. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,076
    Likes Received:
    3,945
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't want to see you have suffering, either. And you've heard me say this before, but... based on everything you've described, you won't have to suffer. You aren't gay. Not that my saying that or anyone else saying it will make you believe it... that's the curse of OCD and why I want to see you find the right medication.

    I hope you don't. Stick around... just post about stuff than your OCD. Like... hobbies, interests, goals in life, etc. :slight_smile:
     
    masterofnone, out2019 and BiGemini87 like this.
  11. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    621
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    With the right help you can get back there!

    I agree with @Chip i hope you don't - I would love to hear you're making progressing beating this!
     
    masterofnone likes this.
  12. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Im not going to leave, bc i think i can be usefull for the ones who also suffer from ocd.

    And yeah i believe you when you say its only ocd, it just that i wish somehow i had answers for my eternal doubts. I have ocd, but why now when i test about doing a bj to a guy i have reactions and my penis gets bigger? Ocd? Too much porn? Bi? Or why on the oyher hand is so hard for me to think about going down on a woman, why i feel this weird and bad feeling like im not enjoying what im thinking even when im hard. Ocd? Porn? Bi?

    This psychological torture of not knowing whats is happening and why it changed suddenly broke me.

    Thanks, even if it doesnt seem, im working hard on this, for almost four years now, im not able to connect to anyone romantically or even sexually at this moment in my life. Im being very unhappy
     
  13. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,076
    Likes Received:
    3,945
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, again, that's how OCD works. Once you have medication that is actually working, one day you will wake up and it will all make sense, and you'll go "Wow. OK, I get it. I'm not gay. Why did I ever think that? That was ridiculous."

    There is really no other answer, no other solution than that.

    As for the rest, you're going in circles again.
     
  14. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yes, its probably that.

    I started working and thought that i would be less worried about this but in my free time i do tests too unconsciously.

    I thought about doing bj again toba guy and my penis was growing, so i stopped and after sometime i thought again and felt nothing.

    I feel really sad that even in my work i cant stop thinking about this.
     
  15. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,088
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there, as Chip mentioned try to get the help you need which will also help you to get the medication that will help you to get out of this circle.

    You don't need to delete your account. Keep it in case you would like to continue using it.
     
    Sadness, out2019 and BiGemini87 like this.
  16. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Lately ive been feeling really guilty bc of the hentai ive watched in my life. I already watched so much horrible stuff to masturbate that makes me want to throw up. This kind makes me feel like if i was gay all along i could just give up the guilty feeling. But it doesnt work like that

    I know i cant undo what i masturbated and i know im not like that and its all addiction.

    Besides this my week has been actually nice. Im not testing a lot. What will happen next? We'll see.
     
  17. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I notice a twist in my life those last days.

    Ivr been testing less and less with man, but on the other handive been testing more with woman, pussy in general..

    I always try to think about vaginas to see if im going to get hard or not, or feel disgust. Most of the times i have anxiety but i do have arousal. I just feel very pressured dont know why.

    Sometimes im very anxious to the point of almost throwing up.

    Im very afraid i wont like doing oral to a woman

    Wish i could fall in love with a girl and do oral to her, live happy
     
  18. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,088
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are going in circles again. As Chip mentioned to you above, once you find the medication you need, things will start making more sense to you. Please speak with your therapist/physiologist again or as Chip mentioned, you need to get a new one, if speaking with the current one is not helping as much as you had hopped. Please get the help/support you need to get a handle on things. :slight_smile:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.