Sociopathic, Ruined Fiction With Porn, Too Awkward, Problematic Relatives, etc.

Hello.

I am 22 years old and I'm having too many issues. Need some help.

1. One of the things that bother me the most currently is that I've ruined fiction for myself with pornography. Hentai, video game porn animations, real porn. I've seen everything and anything you can think of and I'm still not sure if I actually liked all of it or if it was just degradation combined with psychological issues. Not sure if I should go into specific moments of each.
The main issue is that my main hobbies and interests in life are video games, anime and fiction in general. Nowadays the stories barely interest me, I don't believe in any of them, the power fantasy aspect is see-through and feels awkward. I don't want to look for other hobbies and these are the things I like the most. I'm also getting too many intrusive thoughts, and it has gotten especially bad after video game pornography where they take 3D models from games and have them do lewd things. Some of the animations are very well made, regardless of content, and left a major impact on me, especially because of the developing sexuality.

2. I'm too awkward and you probably can't imagine just how much. It is a problem for me to say "hi" to someone, I always need to force myself and worry about it when they seem to do it without any other thoughts. I'm always attracting attention despite not wanting it and literally trying to be as unnoticeable as I can.

3. Friendships are an issue, too. I can't be friends with most people. The ones who only want "good vibes", the ones who will smile and talk behind my back or cause issues. Recent example - my coworkers. Everyone acts nice in person but I did catch numerous moments when they were discussing me or when they've been acting like I'm a "school-shooter" type.
I've had one coworker who was like a 1:1 copy of me, though with less issues and supportive relatives. Tried to be friends with him but it turned out awkward... I messaged his mom on Facebook. Yes, I know, sounds bad but it wasn't. I looked for his FB because I couldn't get a morning shift to talk to him, and the account was inactive. Clicked on his "Friends" and saw his photo - it was his mother's profile. I explained why I messaged her and even gave my contact info, saying I just wanted to know if he'd like to be friends... but well, that bitch called my workplace and they gave me a harassment training. That guy quit work some time later, but I did get a chance to talk to him in person... he pretty much brushed me off, probably because he's a conservative.

The new supervisor I'm working with now seems kind of nice. Attentive and doesn't make me do work I can't do. Kind of seems quiet and more relatable to me but I overheard him discussing mask mandates with a customer, he doesn't wear a mask either and is likely conservative, too. He asked me if I play any games on his first day at work, I made a weird pause and said "single", meaning "single player games", he got weirded out and didn't say anything personal to me again.

Main problem is that I think my mother's husband went to my workplace and talked to my supervisor. I'm not sure if that is the case, but I imagine it did happen.

4. Sociopathic. I've talked to too many people online and some in real life. Nothing good comes to mind when I think about any of them.

5. Problematic relatives. Emotionally abusive narcissists. I'm not starving and I do get some luxury here, don't pay rent and usually they don't bother me... but when they do, I just want to leave immediately. I don't have any doubts about them being emotionally abusive narcissists, I've confirmed it too many times.
So, basically I am an immigrant and I do not have anyone to go to in the USA. Saving up money right now to move to a bigger city and live by myself, but I don't think I can make it there.


Any thoughts?

The message is rough because I need to leave, so feel free to ask any questions...

 

Mentioning specifics will get me banned, except maybe saying that I don't feel the same way about the characters anymore. This also combined with the realization of tropes and how other people see characters in games. When seeing some character, I start to think about the people it will appeal to and then I remember my negative thoughts about those people. If it's a character that reminds me of the type of people that bullied or rejected, or laughed at me, I don't feel comfortable playing.

With some that I still don't associate with real people, I usually think of porn. NieR Automata, for example. I've seen 99% of animated porn based on it, so now when I start playing, I just remember the animations and those seem like the "real deal" rather than the game's story. Maybe because a game is meant to be inspirational and neutral, while porn is made without censorship or holding back on some things. It represents real desires. Maybe it's my negative thinking, though, is that the "bad thing is real". Look at the whole thing with cosplayers: sexual or non-sexual. In the game 2B doesn't care what is the height, masculinity or mental health of 9S. In real life the cosplayers who feel related to 2B would never even consider me due to the issues I mention. And the sexual cosplays (on porn streaming websites, on video game animations) is always done for masculine dudes, you never see anyone else on it.

Fiction feels fake to me while porn (especially the things based on something) - realistic. And I mean, it is realistic. Every couple I see at work is the same. On dating websites it doesn't matter what website I use or what do I write on my profile, they just look at my photos and decide based on it.

Well, in my case I am just mad at most of the fiction being reflective of reality. Anime and video games are more inclusive and less offensive, especially the last few generations. If you look at PS1-PS2 gen of American and European games, they were all made for middle-class males and their trophy wives. With some exceptions here and there, but very rare. Japanese games were more inclusive since the SNES days and generally "neutral", that's how they were able to get so iconic. Mario, Zelda all have certain archetypes and age demographics but they still don't build their game-worlds around the worldview of a masculine toxic dude.

I feel wary of reading books, for example. I'm most interested in classics, but a ton of them have the outdated stereotypes or views. At least with movies you can kind of figure out prior to spending time on it, and it's never more than 2-3 hours anyway. While books take more time to complete and I feel like I wasted that time when I read, start to get into the story and then bam - the author forces their stereotypes onto the reader.

Anime is not as easy to figure out as video games and movies because of the 12 episode mark, but generally I'm far more tolerable of anime, even if it is hateful. At least they give representation to people like me and don't just make everyone look like they're the characters from Fist of the North Star (toxic masculine dudes).

I mean, the people who gossip aren't getting any bad image. All of my coworkers have full-time, while I'm still on part-time dipping below minimum wage, even though they have the hours. They just gave those hours to someone else rather than making me do more. I don't blame the supervisors entirely because it is retail and the kind where you need to do heavy lifting.
Coworkers, though... it's not like they all lift. I see them walking around as slow as they can, talking to customers as slow as they can to draw out the time and not really in any rush. And then I'm not doing something for 5 minutes, and they'll immediately notice it or get mad at me for not doing stuff I'm not paid to do or can't do.
It's not just gossiping. Every workplace I've seen is the same. All people are the same.

I don't have money for therapy and wouldn't want to spend them on that anyway. Therapists should not earn as much as they do for doing work that isn't manual labor. I do more than they do per day and I can't even dream of earning the same they do. This is not right and I am never going to give therapists my money until their wages are reduced to the level of work they do.
Besides, most of the therapists are entirely useless. They'll drag the time to get more cash, they'll do the things some people do for free and when you actually prove you're the real deal and need a diagnosis, they'll just give you some medicine to neutralize the potential negative impact you make on society. To fry your brain from whatever potentially negative activity they assume you might do.
I've talked to people who take medicine and they seemed dead to me. One was asleep more than two thirds of the day. The other one seemed like an NPC in Oblivion. Also saw someone who worked at a bank and used medicine... she couldn't hear what I was saying and made me repeat things, even though people who sat 5 meters away from her heard me.
I'm not going to be a vegetable on medicine. If I need to be hurt to experience some real emotions, then so be it.

Exercise - I won't exercise until women who expect me to exercise to be a "challenger" start doing it. Pretty much every woman I see is not strong physically, and yet they expect me to be .. .why? Because I have a penis?

I'll start exercising lightly if I'll ever have the need to loose weight. Currently I'm fine. And only the type of exercise that would make me loose weight. I do not see why women aren't shamed for not having muscles, and why I am.

Talking to people doesn't change anything for me, and I am done playing their society games. It is always the same.

I would never want to watch Western cartoons like Disney or most of the stuff ever again. Nothing but gender stereotypes there, with "beautiful skinny princesses to save" and "stronk Real Men to save them".

Hobbies are not something you can outgrow. I don't want to sound mean but I am pretty sick of this "oh just change your hobby, man" advice. I don't do this shit because I want to waste my time. These are the things I like doing the most. People who tell me to change hobbies don't even try to take my perspective and understand that this is what I like. They do it to waste time, to get the power fantasy or whatever - it doesn't matter to me why they do it, for them it's just a fling, like the friendships they make and then ignore those people or don't talk to them and still say they're friends.

Sorry, but I'm extremely disgusted by your "outgrow" and "change your hobby" advice. Maybe I should also drop any relationship the moment a first problem comes up? Oh but of course, that's what you people do. That's what it takes to not be alone - abandon someone at the first or second problem, instead of solving it. I forgot that's what kind of mentality I need to have to not be alone.