I can't believe I am writing this, or rather the 'me' three years ago would not believe it but... I am worried that I might start to become attracted to women. I was taking an exercise class online , and I just noticed one woman, something about the shape of her body, the clothes she had, I just started fantasizing about her. I didn't get 'aroused' but I did get kind of excited. It really kind of worried me and now I feel anxious. I don't want to go back to indecision. I don't want to start fantasizing about women...I love being gay. I don't want to be 'bi' Am I getting worked up over nothing?
out2019.....Many people believe that sexuality is a spectrum, not a black/white, one or the other situation. My personal opinion is that there are fewer people who are 100% gay or 100% straight than there are people who are somewhere in the middle. For instance if we were using a scale with 0 being completely straight and 100 being completely gay and I rated myself as a 90, then I would be pretty solidly gay. That wouldn't mean that I was bisexual. If I rated myself as 50, then I would consider myself bisexual. Nobody that I know of uses a scale like that...but you get my point. There is nothing wrong with realizing that women look good...I can even accept that certain women are sexy and that most men would be excited by them. Where it stops for me is any thought about being intimate with a woman. I guess for you it means that you will need to have a serious conversation with your self about what things would make you want to be intimate with a person. Hey, keep us updated on how this goes for you. You are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care how this works out for you. .....David
When we just keep worrying about something it is a waste of time. Things we worry about can be broken down into two classifications. Things that we can do something about and things that we cannot do anything about. If we cannot do anything about it (say worrying about an extinction size meteor hitting the planet) we should just shelve the item, worrying about it only ruins today for us and usually the things that we can do nothing about actually never come to pass (and if they do, well... there was nothing we could do about it anyway). If we can do something about it (say, will I have energy to do something tomorrow) then rather than worry over it we should do something about it. So we go to bed on time and we can wake up and have the energy to go through with our plans. As far as worrying about if our orientation will be something that we do not want it to be. I believe that our orientation is built in, we cannot change it. So worrying about "what if I am not gay?" is pointless. If you are in fact Bisexual then you are, not wanting to be is not going to fix that. I thought that I was a lesbian for a long time, I now have a boyfriend. My old self would not believe this and would have hated the idea but right now I really like having him as my significant other. Learning who we are and learning to like ourselves for who we are is a journey, one that goes far better if we just accept the truth and live with it. Also Society programs us to see women as objects and that we/they are attractive. Noticing that a woman is aesthetically pleasing is different from being oriented towards women. The fact that you notice her is normal. The fact that even though noticing her and spending time fantasizing about it but did not get aroused at all is pretty telling. A straight or bi guy who did that would probably get aroused.
Out2019 you are not alone. Girls have nice furniture. (Genetic Programming) But guys can be a better partner. For another guy. Hope to have a compatable parter one day.
@out2019 & @QuietPeace.....Yes, you can certainly breakdown things that you are worrying about into two categories as QuietPeace has suggested. However, to me that appears to be a very logical approach to an emotional problem. I worked with the public as a representative of my school district for over 30 years and I learned that a logical answer to an emotional problem usually doesn't work. You can give a person a whole list of reasons why what they think is wrong, but if they are basing their decision on emotions you will most likely accomplish very little. I tend to make logical, measured decisions and boy, oh boy has that gotten me into trouble a number of times with parents. Especially when I was talking to them about their darling, cherished, absolutely perfect children! Sooo, how does out2019 work out his concerns? Well...here are some thoughts (not a list of reasons! ) First...give it some time. There is likely no reason that you have to have an answer about your sexuality right this minute! You're old enough to have probably learned that sometimes you have to wait for things that you want. Second.....It's pretty well known (oops, a fact! ) that sexuality can be fluid. There are times when, for some people, that it "slides" around a bit. I don't know if that's what is happening to you...but it's possible. Third.....Letting yourself become really upset will only make things worse. So do your best to sit back and relax a little! Okay...I know that's easy for me to say and tough for you to do, but it is what can happen. Here's an idea...make a post in the "Sexual Orientation" sub-forum here on Empty Closets and ask for some help from the folks there. Also ask if they could point you to any books, podcasts, youtube videos, etc. that helped them that might be helpful to you too. [email protected] so much for your input helping out2019! And @out2019 Hang in there and keep us updated on how this works out!! .....David
@out2019 have you explored a gay physical or romantic relationship yet? I know from my experience, being with another man put to bed all my doubts about my homosexuality.
Thanks everyone! I calmed down a little and thought about it... When I stepped back and thought about it, yes I thought she was beautiful, and alluring, and I got really excited, but as @QuietPeace says I didn't get aroused. Later that night I thought about her giving oral and the part I got excited about was imagining being her. I don't have transgender urges, let's just say when I sexually fantasize I mainly think about giving oral and receiving anal intercourse, but I also often imagine giving it too. So this was just a little fantasy, I didn't even get aroused about. Maybe its something lingering about being secretly jealous that women could be more feminine and doing things like that. I remember when I had a girlfriend once and she was giving me oral and I was still in denial but I realized.. I was jealous of what she was doing! I remembered something @PatrickUK once said, joking he was not a 'gold star gay'. I guess I am not too but it doesn't mean I am going to go back into denial. So I find women pretty once in awhile. I could probably have sex and enjoy it - there are rare times that has happened with a woman without thinking about being with a man, but that doesn't change the fact that I am gay. 100% gold standard gay? No, but still gay. There was a point I was angry with myself about looking at women and wanted it to go away totally, I wanted be 100% sure but now I think this is a great sign that I am comfortable with myself.
Out2019, cut yourself some slack and relax. For sure some women like some works of art are beautiful. There is no sin in acknowledging that, it just means your human! For me once I was in a serious intimate with another man all the remaining doubts and questions simply disappeared. Sure once in awhile I see a beautiful woman and certainly appreciate her. However I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with her or any women. Give yourself the freedom to be who you are, appreciate beauty in any form and fully embrace your homosexuality.
