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She wants a separation / divorce

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by IrishJ, Nov 15, 2015.

  1. IrishJ

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    I always say be careful what you wish for, so be it - last night my wife of 19 years said that she wants a divorce. This is not the first time I have heard this, but this time I believe she is serious. Feels really scarey right now as I write this, I do know that this is the proper thing to do and feel weak for not being the one to take the upper hand and push for this myself sooner.

    I got back into therapy last year and have come to terms with a great deal in this time. I am just disappointed that I tried to get her to go to see a couple's therapist and suggested that she might also want to go see somebody but she would have no part in it. She blames a great deal of our upcoming break up on my going to therapy, wanting things to go back to as they were before. We were in a very co-dependent relationship that needed repair and ugh.

    I hope that as we (I) move forward and things settle down to explore my genuine self and what I have buried for so long. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and am feeling anxious about this upcoming transition. I always thought that I was afraid for my daughters, right now, I am feeling afraid for me and my ability to keep it all together.

    I just have to remind myself to stay in the moment, be genuine and open.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Good luck to you. Some times we bring upon the changes our life's need ourselves, and sometimes they are pushed upon us. Either way, you now are in the best position to find yourself.

    Good luck with the transition.
     
  3. Zen fix

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    I feel for you IrishJ, my wife just came to me with the same thing. I keep trying to think of how it might work. I know that she is probably right.
     
  4. IrishJ

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    Gentlemen,

    I know in my heart that this is right and probably am guilty of pushing her to say the words. I cannot picture how this will work at the moment, but am sure that somehow I will land on my feet. With that I cannot wait to dig myself out of this predicament and dance in the sun.

    Your kind words and thoughts are much appreciated - J
     
  5. Koan

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    I don't have many things to say about this. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time.

    It is not uncommon that when one person in a relationship starts to change, the other is left behind because of fear of what might happen - especially in co-dependent relationships. But of course you cannot turn back time.

    Don't forget to honor that inner drive towards healing and thriving that you have. This is why you are doing the hard work with a therapist.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    IrishJ and Zen fix

    As much as divorce is a painful process, I feel that it's often the best outcome for folks in a mixed-orientation marriage. Without the divorce, it would have been difficult for you to have the freedom to explore your true sexuality within the confines of a traditional marriage.

    You are probably in crisis mode right now, so try to relax and take baby steps. You will be able to get through this. Before you do anything else, take some time to understand divorce law in your state. In particular, don't let your wives pressure you to move out. Most divorce attorneys offer hour consultations

    While painful, this is probably the best outcome long term.
     
  7. SnowshoeGeek

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    You are going to live through this and come out the other side. (&&&)
     
  8. CapColors

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    Good luck, man.
     
  9. lilla

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    Good luck, I'm sending kind thoughts your way. It sounds like a really tough time, but it also sounds like you've been taking a lot of steps to be true to yourself.
     
  10. myloveralice

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    I've found that even if you know it is for the best, or felt prepared for how you will feel with a separation being out in the open, it still is going to bring out unexpected feelings and doubts that it is the "right" decision. Especially with a spouse of 19 years, and the added need of questioning a blooming sexuality. There is so many feelings, and often contrary to each other. I see why you would be hurt that your wife would not go to therapy for you, especially if you feel like it has helped you in the uncovering of your genuine self. As a codependent person myself, I do have to remind myself that I do not control what anyone else thinks, does or feels. I need to detach so I can allow life to happen, to unfold rather than trying to force it (and failing). I hope you can give yourself time to grieve your losses and embrace who you are. What I keep telling myself is: I don't have to have this all figured out TODAY and to have faith in following my most authentic self.
     
  11. IrishJ

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    I want off this rollercoaster but am so afraid to take the steps necessary. After my post yesterday, she agreed to go see a therapist with me if I would stop seeing my therapist or go see a male therapist. I don't want to stop seeing my therapist due to the growth I have been able to achieve so I waffled and agreed stating that I would find one for us.

    Within a few hours of this, she gets into a fight with one of our daughters about her being "fresh." It all ends with mom screaming threats at our daughter. Came home and tried to settle daughter - wife crying went to bed. I stayed away, slept on couch.

    This morning after getting daughter off to school, came home to study. Wife came out still angry - screaming about our relationship.

    This is going to be an adventure to say the least. I just wish I had the financial resources to walk away with my daughter right now but it will probably be a few months until I can.
     
  12. CapColors

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    hang on, it will get better. Couples therapy might help? It all depends on how committed she is to it. But at this point it seems like it will only help with a transition to no longer being married. Can you think of any circumstance under which you'd like to stay?

    Although she seems horribly stormy, she is also going through a tough time and hurting.
     
  13. Zen fix

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    Forcing someone to switch therapists is highly manipulative. She may just be angry and looking to blame anything or anyone for what's happening? However, I don't think there is anything wrong with you changing therapists. You could even get some recommendations from your current therapist. But I would make sure that one of the first things you tell the new one is the reason you switched and have the previous therapist share your records with them. It could actually turn out to be a good thing if you call your wife's bluff and you're still gay after working with the new therapist, as you certainly will be.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    Sending you strbgth and warmth. It sounds like you have a great attitude about this. I know you'll get through it and be better for it in the end.
     
  15. Lindsey23

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    I agree. What is she hoping to gain from this? Does she think your current therapist turned you against her? Or maybe you are a stronger person now and she doesn't like it? I don't get it. That's not cool.
     
  16. IrishJ

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    My head / thought process are a world away from where I was 18 months ago with clarity and purpose that I have been avoiding since puberty. She equates my therapy with my becoming selfish, standoffish, and distant. In this time I have come to know myself deeper and more genuinely than I ever thought possible and am able to step back, observing just how screwed up our codependent/narcissistic relationship is.

    You are correct L, she/this is not cool making demands for me to change therapists. At this point I am trying to keep things as normal as possible until I take on a new job and am able to move on emotionally and financially.

    Until then, I must make choices, I accept that I have a huge responsibility not only to myself but more importantly to my children.

    I will get through this and appreciate all the support and EC members allowing me to vent.

    J
     
  17. YermanTom

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    I hope things work out for you. I know a few guys that have gone through similar situations, It's difficult but you can get through it.
    I attend a support group for gay married men in Dublin I find it helpful. I don't think there is a similar group in Cork but it might be worth the effort to make the trip.

    (*hug*)
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    I've also been accused of being selfish regularly since coming out to my wife. A fairer assessment would be assertive. For the first time in my life I articulated a point of view from my genuine self of what I want. No more faux self accommodating the straight world or compromising with her.

    I didn't realize how bad my marriage was until several months after coming out, since the divorce process forces this to the surface. We're getting along better now that we're both focused on the future. You should be prepared for a bumpy rollercoaster ride.

    Stay selfish/assertive.
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Nov 16, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2015
  19. CapColors

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    Best wishes. I think the focus on the kids is great and will help get you through the tough times. They are lucky to have a dad like you.
     
    #19 CapColors, Nov 16, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2015
  20. bi2me

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    Maybe you can add couples counseling with a different therapist and keep seeing your individual one too.

    Good luck! (*hug*)