As I've become more secure with my gay sexuality, I'm finding - more and more - that I want to be with a man who is equally secure with his gay sexuality. I respect those who are questioning or curious, and they should do everything within their comfort level to find themselves. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Have any of you had the same feeling as you became more secure with your sexuality?
I don't think that's selfish at all. On the contrary, I see it more as a sign of someone who is in a place of being able to identify what they want and ask for what they need. The folks that are questioning or curious can find folks that are willing to be with who are at the beginning of their journey, and it's perfectly reasonable to say that one doesn't have the patience or bandwidth to help someone through that period.
Not selfish at all. It's good that you know what you want, and that what you want includes being with someone who is equally as comfortable and secure in their sexuality. There's nothing wrong with setting those standards, and like Chip said--those who are questioning, curious or just newly embarking on this journey can and will find like-minded individuals that suit their needs. In sum, you have nothing to feel bad about. As long as you're honest with potential partners and they're honest with you, that's all that matters.
It's not selfish, it's self caring. Accepting who you are is wonderful, don't feel bad about it. It's your life, follow your dream and don't look behind. As long as no one else is purposely hurt on your way; it's not selfish.
Thanks for the thoughts. What prompted my question is that I'm finding that as I grow more secure with my gay sexuality, I'm looking for something more than just a hookup or helping out a newbie with their self-discovery. I'm guessing that those who have traveled the path before me experienced something similar. And, quite frankly, it's exciting.
I too have reached the stage where I am looking for more than just a hookup for sex. As I matured in my gay sexuality I developed the desire for deeper more meaningful relations.
Since my first gay experience was with my best friend in high school, I have always been relationship oriented. And since the stereotypical “gay scene” of my 20s just didn’t appeal to me at all, and my best friend died in our early 30s, I followed another path, the expected way of heteronormative life for decades, until I found myself looking at myself (and a world wide pandemic) with dismay. Is this it? In the middle of all this, I recognized and I understood who I was, and who I am. Don’t know the precise direction my life will move forward, but I am secure in my orientation, I have no doubt. I have met several like minded guys who have helped me along my way. Not as hookups, but as friends. It’s important that you have those kind of connections, not only for yourself, but also for the other guys with whom you come to know. One of my friends recently died. Another reminder (like my high school best friend) just how important relationship is. Best wishes!
@eron I think this is something many of us experience to some level. In my case, I am a bisexual who is married to a woman and out to her. I do have intimacy with men according to an agreement with my wife. But, I will NOT be involved with another married man who is not out to his wife with a similar arrangement. Even if I was OK with the cheating aspect (which I am not) I don't see myself going into someone else's closet. While I don't advertise my relationships with other men, I don't expect them to lie about it or hide out. That's a lot to ask and you are not being selfish for staying away from situations where you cannot express who you are. I wish you luck in finding the sort of relationship you desire and need!
I think it's a great idea to find a man who is also secure about his sexuality. I think it would help keep the relationship stable in the long run. Not everyone who is gay, bi, etc. feels that way and I wish more people did, but of course that's not for me to push my feelings onto others.
Secure internally is different from externally and that's important too. Are you out to anyone yet? What if you met a guy who was sexually secure and out to everyone - would you be comfortable living that way? I think a lot of us secretly hope we get into a relationship that forces us to come out.
Gay men who are sexually secure are hot. I love being with a man who is out and wants people to know we are a couple when it is appropriate. It is so nice to be introduced as his boyfriend or when he holds your hand in a safe public place. The feeling for me is so natural that at that moment I don’t care who sees me as gay. If fact I almost hope to run into people I know. Straight women are attracted to guys for a good reason. Men are sexy and there should be nothing wrong with admitting you like dick. I love dick. I’m not fully out of the closet but have no desire to go back in. The kisses and cuddling and talk of how much fun the very gay stuff we just did after sex is very hard to not want. Knowing your man is at least as gay as you is a wonderful feeling. Every time I’m with a man makes me more secure that I am gay. I feel like I’m just getting gayer and gayer and happier every time I get to express that I love men.
Couldn’t agree more gay men that are sexually sure, open and proud are super hot. That they are so comfortable in their homosexuality and don’t care who knows it is a pure turn on. I remember the first time another man referred to me as his boyfriend, it was such an emotional high after so many years of faking straight. I wanted to live in that moment of finally be identified as gay. Shortly after that experience I started to come out to everyone. While at first I wanted to hide the fact that I preferred men, it soon evolved to wanting to seen as exclusively gay.