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Sexual Orientation OCD

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by curiouspasserby, Nov 10, 2021.

  1. curiouspasserby

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    I’m an incredibly anxious person and am medicated for anxiety. The medication helps but it isn’t perfect.

    I have a tendency to become obsessed or paranoid over something. The obsessions last for a few months to a year but eventually it sorts itself out. Unfortunately, my current obsession is my sexual orientation.

    Ever since I realized that I am most likely a gay woman, I have been obsessing about whether I’m actually straight or bisexual. It’s practically a reverse of HOCD. I have literally been testing myself with porn and fantasies and I’ve been getting more confused has tome goes on. I’ll compare my reaction to porn featuring men and porn featuring women. I’ll do the same with fantasies (men vs. women). I’ve noticed with men I’m able to achieve a quick (20-30 seconds) but incredibly weak orgasm and I can achieve multiple weak but quick orgasms (I can achieve a similar orgasm while thinking of a nonsexual orgasm). I noticed that I feel weird and anxious during the experience. With women, I take longer (few minutes) but I am more engaged and relaxed. I’m able to achieve an incredibly pleasurable orgasm and am too tired to continue.

    In the past, I used to watch gay porn and it took me about an hour or two to achieve a good orgasm. Ever since I started watching lesbian porn (exclusively female solos), I experience intense orgasms that I was never able to achieve and can only weak orgasms when I try to switch back to gay porn.

    I admit that I watch porn and masturbate a lot (maybe too much). So, that is most likely a problem.

    I’m just incredibly confused. When I was younger and identified as bicurious, my natural sexual fantasies have always centered women. I had a good amount of female crushes and gravitate towards women. So, I don’t have an issue with being bi but that label feels inaccurate. I also felt incredibly ashamed of my orientation and I still feel shame to this day. I’m also in a homophobic environment and I feel obligated to be with a man to satisfy my family. They made it clear on numerous occasions that they expect me marry a man and have children. But something feels off.

    Sorry if this is a rambling mess. I really needed to vent.
     
  2. quebec

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    curiouspasserby.....I don't think that anything you described has to do with OCD. OCD will hijack you life, taking over your everyday routine to the point that you can't function normally. It often causes a person to repeat a particular action over and over for fear of it not having been done correctly...checking to see if the door is locked over and over even though you know that it is locked. You still will check it 10-15 times before you can relax and even then it still worries you. What you're talking about is a problem deciding whether you are straight or gay. First of all porn is a very poor indicator of sexual orientation. The sexual encounters that you see in porn are not real-world in any sense of the word. They are scripted scenes that are designed to generate a high level of sexual tension that will encourage the viewer to purchase a video of more of the same, etc. It would be far better to stay away from the porn for a week or two then, when you fantasize during masturbation, see who it is that is primarily in the fantasy. That would give you a much better idea of you orientation. It would also be a very good idea to consider seeing a therapist about all of this. Sometimes we just need someone who is outside of our circle of friends, someone who doesn't know us who can look at the situation from a completely fresh, professional perspective. Please keep us updated on how this continues to work out. Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. curiouspasserby

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    Thank you for the response @quebec. Unfortunately, a major issue that I’m having is mental compulsions. I have been ruminating on this matter every single day since late March/early April.Every time I think about it, I feel a strong physical sensation to “test myself” and I succumb to the compulsion a lot. Then when I see someone who is conventionally attractive, I check my physiological responses. If I feel as if I had a response that I don’t understand, I then go online to read research articles about the human body to try to understand. Then I sit and analyze certain events in my past to try to understand myself. All of this takes up a significant portion of my mental energy on a daily basis. It is exhausting when these thoughts come into my head and then I ruminate on them and spiral and spend hours of my day obsessively looking online for answers. Last year the theme of my compulsion was a work project that I obsessed over to the point of becoming physically ill.

    Unfortunately, I have been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety and OCD runs in my family. My meds help with general anxiety but my OCD remains. Every year, the themes of my compulsion changes but my actions remain the same. I constantly ruminate over it, I constantly have to check, and then I develop a specific “checking ritual” whenever certain thoughts come to mind. I can’t ignore my thoughts because I can’t give with doubt and uncertainty.

    If I’m being honest, I about a year and a half ago, I had an in depth conversation with my best friend and came to the realization that I am most likely gay. I accepted that my fantasies and crushes were exclusively women and my sexual desires also lead me exclusively to women.Everything was fine and I was happy with it. Then, I think I got triggered by my communities general response (the black community) to Lil Nas X music video. I encountered a lot of homophobia when I was younger so I have a lot of self loathing and internalized homophobia. But the backlash that he received was very triggering for me. Ever since then, I became obsessed with my sexual orientation and it went downhill from there.

    I know that I need to find an LGBT friendly therapist to deal with this.
     
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  4. curiouspasserby

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    Honestly, these obsessions become exhausting and I’m always on edge because of them. Like I said, last year was me obsessing over a project. The year before that was obsessing over my health and genetic results. Before that, I was obsessed about the government watching me and being afraid to sleep because I feared that the FBI would raid my home. These obsessions become ridiculous. I recognize on an intellectual level that they are baseless and illogical. Unfortunately, I can’t just stop them.
     
  5. curiouspasserby

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    Just to add another thing that is kind of ridiculous and somewhat funny when I reflect on it. There was a period in time where I was afraid that I may have hit someone with my car but wasn’t aware of it. So, I constantly checked news articles in my area to see if there were any deaths. This was baseless since I have always been a careful driver.
     
  6. Sadness

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    Well yeah, even tho i agree with a lot of things quebec told you. You do have ocd since youre diagnosed. I am on the same boat, so i understand the feeling of having contant urges to check. I do this with my arousal mostly. I was able to stop for a good amount of time but since some days ago i went back.

    I think about woman and men and try to fantasize with them, i used to not find fantasies with men arousing, but suddenly now it seems that i get hard for some weird reason by it, i watch a lot of porn just like you, im very addicted and now my fantasies are almost centered on transwoman(me doing a bj for her, being submissive, really kinky i would say).

    Im also very confused, dont know if its all just bc of porn and ocd or bc im bi or gay.


    There are a lot of good hearted people here so they will help you a lot, and i will try too. The most important thing to do is talking to a therapist. You seem to take meds, its good too, are you noticing your obsessive behaviours getting weaker? If not maybe try adjusting the meds.
     
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  7. Chip

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    I totally agree here with Sadness. This ls pretty clearly OCD symptoms you're describing, and the problem it, it is literally impossible to distinguish the thoughts that are driven by the OCD from your legitimate thoughts. Thus, it's as though your sensibility and capacity to reason your way out of this is hijacked by the OCD.

    If you're on medication, if you've been on it for a month or more, it sounds like it is not working. So you may need to discuss with your psychiatrist about increasing dosage, changing medication, or sometimes adding a second medication. Getting the medication right is crucial, because once you do, you'll regain the logic and ability to see how out-of-sorts the OCD thinking is. And then you can work with a therapist to help resolve the underlying issues that are driving the OCD.
     
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  8. masterofnone

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    this does sound like ocd to me. it seems like you logically know you’re a lesbian but you’re WORRIED you might be bi or straight. not as uncommon as people would think. hope you’re all good :slight_smile:
     
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  9. curiouspasserby

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    I agree, I feel very comfortable expressing myself on this forum! My meds have helped with my social anxiety but seems to have done barely anything with my OCD.


    Yeah, I need to find a better medication. I’ve tried other medications (other SSRI’s) and they haven’t been too effective. So, I may need to explore different classes of OCD/anxiety meds.

    Thanks! I’m feeling emotionally better after the vent. I know that it’ll take some time to get over this specific theme of my OCD. Though, I’m currently looking for a therapist who deals with anxiety and is LGBT friendly. Fortunately, I’m confident that this problem wont last forever. Unfortunately, the way my OCD. “resolves itself” is by shifting to another theme. So, I realize that I need more medical intervention to deal with this.
     
  10. quebec

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    curiouspasserby.....With the additional information that you've given us I have to change my opinion. What didn't really sound like OCD to me before, now really does sound like full-blown OCD. I'm sorry to have misunderstood, but what you said in your first post just didn't sound like OCD to me. I mentioned that OCD will literally "hijack your life" and from the additional posts you've made it certainly appears to be the case. You mention that you are on medication, but it also seems that the medication is not being effective in helping to control the OCD. There are several different medications that can be used for OCD and sometimes even when the medication is right, the dosage needs to be adjusted for the person. It's really important that you speak to your professional provider about the medication issue. You've taken the right step in asking for help here on EC, now take the next step and arrange for an appointment to consider changing your medication. Don't let the OCD keep you going in a circle just talking about it! Take a step forward and do something about it! We'll certain support you and do our best to help answer your questions...but take action in addition to any questions that you may have.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  11. curiouspasserby

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    Thank you @quebec! Sorry I wasn’t more clear in my original post. I was in a bad mental state yesterday. Fortunately, I am working on seeing my provider about my meds and seeing a therapist for better techniques on how to deal with my issues.