I’m an incredibly anxious person and am medicated for anxiety. The medication helps but it isn’t perfect. I have a tendency to become obsessed or paranoid over something. The obsessions last for a few months to a year but eventually it sorts itself out. Unfortunately, my current obsession is my sexual orientation. Ever since I realized that I am most likely a gay woman, I have been obsessing about whether I’m actually straight or bisexual. It’s practically a reverse of HOCD. I have literally been testing myself with porn and fantasies and I’ve been getting more confused has tome goes on. I’ll compare my reaction to porn featuring men and porn featuring women. I’ll do the same with fantasies (men vs. women). I’ve noticed with men I’m able to achieve a quick (20-30 seconds) but incredibly weak orgasm and I can achieve multiple weak but quick orgasms (I can achieve a similar orgasm while thinking of a nonsexual orgasm). I noticed that I feel weird and anxious during the experience. With women, I take longer (few minutes) but I am more engaged and relaxed. I’m able to achieve an incredibly pleasurable orgasm and am too tired to continue. In the past, I used to watch gay porn and it took me about an hour or two to achieve a good orgasm. Ever since I started watching lesbian porn (exclusively female solos), I experience intense orgasms that I was never able to achieve and can only weak orgasms when I try to switch back to gay porn. I admit that I watch porn and masturbate a lot (maybe too much). So, that is most likely a problem. I’m just incredibly confused. When I was younger and identified as bicurious, my natural sexual fantasies have always centered women. I had a good amount of female crushes and gravitate towards women. So, I don’t have an issue with being bi but that label feels inaccurate. I also felt incredibly ashamed of my orientation and I still feel shame to this day. I’m also in a homophobic environment and I feel obligated to be with a man to satisfy my family. They made it clear on numerous occasions that they expect me marry a man and have children. But something feels off. Sorry if this is a rambling mess. I really needed to vent.