Hi everyone. I've been reading here for a while and I have a topic for you all that I have been turning over in my mind for quite some time, that I wondered if you'd like to provide some input with. I have been reflecting on the effects of my sense of self-esteem and self-worth and how I view my sexuality. I have identified as bisexual since my early 20s (I'm 30 now). I have also been living with depression and anxiety for a while, and have spent the past year questioning whether I am bisexual or a lesbian. When my self-worth is high (well, I guess a "normal" level...) I feel like I am a lesbian. It's like "ohh, all my thoughts and desires, the future I want with a woman, it all makes sense, I can have that" and the label 'lesbian' feels exciting and freeing (if a little scary). However, when my self-worth is low, I swing back to bisexual (and tend to date men) because I do not feel worthy of dating women...I guess because I don't feel good enough for them or that I don't deserve what I want. In my early twenties, I did identify as a lesbian for a short period of time and dated women. I had low stress, was really taking good care of myself and feeling very confident. Looking back, I guess my depression and anxiety were low and self-worth was up. Then of course various other life events happened, and my mental health suffered. I told myself I was some sort of lesbian imposter. I thought, of course I didn't like women! I'm not good enough for that. I just wanted to be special... and went back to dating men. I feel like growing up my mom always sent me the message that male attention and validation is the most important thing. E.g., If a boy liked me, then I should like him, because he likes me! So maybe my self-esteem has hinged around that for most of my life. However, I have recently gone though a ton of therapy and have started anti-anxiety medication. As a result, my self-worth has built back up again and it feels like a huge dark cloud has been lifted off of me. It's getting harder to ignore the feelings that actually, I could be a lesbian. What I want is a fulfilling relationship with a woman. Even despite having longer relationships with men. I follow lesbian couples closely on social media and feel happy, but envious. When I see female-female couples in person, or queer women in general, my heart beats really fast like I want them to 'see' me. Maybe it's about time I 'saw' myself? I wondered if anyone else had been through a similar thought process or had similar experiences? And if not, whether what I'm saying here makes sense? Thanks a lot in advance
Interesting post! This is how I feel about being/identifying gay./ I never identified bi but I would go into 'denial' in this mood. Usually related to guilt about being gay. It could lower sex drive as well. Another 'trick' was after sex drive was low was to go back into denial (oh i am not thinking about sex with men so I am not gay) I know it's s little different than you but i can related to these mood swings and identity.
That’s interesting! It’s good to know it resonates, especially with identity. I’m curious if it is it still something you are reflecting or working on? Thanks for your response
I don't really have denial anymore, in down times sometimes thoughts come up of trying to 'fix' this or not go through, but that gets less and less as time goes on. Acceptance feels so much better and I also have a feeling of a future- wanting to date guys, so it's hard to want to stay down like that. When I am down I just feel stuck.
During my high school years there was a girl I had a big crush on. She knew, but she didn’t reciprocate those same feelings for me so we stayed friends. Now that I’ve gotten older I experience those feelings towards the same sex. Still sometimes I question because of that past attraction to this girl does that actually mean I’m gay or bisexual. For now being gay feels right so it’s the label I chose to use unless something changes.
Honestly growing up, I had HUGE crushes on girls and never guys. But looking back now, I think sexually wise I never really felt anything for girls. It can be a confusing thing for sure.
What you say does make sense! Sometimes when I see two guys dating, I feel the same as you. My uncle is gay and I just recently saw him. There was this feeling that I wanted him to ask about my dating life. At almost 32, he knows I have never had a girlfriend and sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks about that and puts two and two together lol
I’m glad it did fdfsdf because I’m still in the early phases of my LGBT journey. Mostly watching two gay men dating on television and other spaces to help me feel more normal. If that’s where I’m ultimately meant to be in the future.
Hi TooTicky, I've had feelings about women my whole life without acknowledging it and I don't know if it's really connected to my depression and anxiety except to the extent that when I feel more confident it makes it easier for me to admit that I'm not straight. For me there's a whole lot of baggage connected to being lesbian or gay just because of the way it was viewed when I was growing up (and it had nothing to do with religion back then) so if I'm feeling anxious I'm more likely to suppress it in order to avoid more anxiety. My mom also felt that validation and protection from a man was very important and this probably played a role as well. I have had crushes on guys, even quite intense ones, but when I think back on them they weren't particularly sexual, they were sometimes romantic but I think a lot of the time I just admired them and they were the guys I wanted to be like. When I do like a guy he tends to be more feminine than macho as well. I've had relationships just because the guy liked me and I thought he was ok, I always hoped for some kind of spark but it never really happened for me. For a while I just thought I was defective or just picking the wrong guys instead of putting 2 and 2 together, because I definitely felt a spark when looking at nude women in porn magazines or thinking about touching girls I liked but I would get so anxious even thinking about it that I'd ignore those thoughts. That said, I think my awakening first came during a crisis in my life but it was one I was starting to climb out of so maybe that does fit somewhat with what you describe.
I suffer from pretty severe anxiety, and when my anxiety is worse, it's much scarier for me to think of myself with a female/same sex partner- to the point where I can have a panic attack. So I find I think more about men, or having a male partner (even if I'm not that attracted to them) Somehow, it just seems safer, and more comforting. When my anxiety is under better control tho, then I do think more about having a female partner, and think more about women I have crushes on. For me, I don't think it's about my self-worth, but how my mental health is doing. Being gay is still a social stigma, and is still pretty scary to me sometimes.
This is interesting to me. I have always known I was attracted to women, always always, and had crushes on pretty girls since I was a teenager at school, but I knew I wanted to marry a man to have children (I’m quite old!) and so I put it away for a bit, had a very unsuccessful time dating men, they liked me but I rarely had any sexual interest in them. Then I met my husband and wanted those babies, he is fun and kind and I love him so much. But I still have these crushes on women and lesbian literature is the biggest turn on for me, as is OITNB so I identify as bi, but I do wonder if I was a young person now I would be lesbian (girls are so pretty ).
It resonates a lot with me, I absolutely feel you! I was growing up in a conservative society. My mom, the most influential person in life, is heavily against lesbians. I was attracted to girls when I was in secondary school, I thought it was platonic at that time, but after a relationship with my ex-girlfriend, looking back, it was actually me "not-so-straight" at my young age and I didn't realize that or maybe I subconsciously denied that. In those years, I had a puppy love with a guy in my class, it was a match-making relationship but we somewhat had a crush on each other, so it happened. And this is like a life-saving guard whenever I try to deny my strong sexual attraction toward girls, also called "I can be in a relationship with a guy" In the following years, I was attracted to 2 girls and 1 guy, who was a bit feminine. My crush for a guy turned down very fast, I didn't feel any urges to chase him or let him know. But I always tried to be around girls, spend quality time, gift them heavy-heartedly. The first girl was my peer at high school, we were both young and liked each other's company a lot, but no one made a move, so it was a great friendship. The second girl (or woman) was my teacher, she was bold enough to make a move. That relationship lasted for years, but I was still in the closet. I was living with love, anxiety, guilty at the same time. However, I must say being in the closet is the worst thing ever when you are in love with someone, who can hold their physical touch for you in public. It's terrible! It took me such a long time to completely get back to normal me after that relationship. But with my broken soul, I always try to tell myself "not to be in any relationship with a girl, I'm too coward to handle a lesbian relationship, I will hurt others and also myself. Being in with a guy will make my life way easier and I have never actually hated that". So I saw few guys but I felt nothing rather friends, but they didn't feel the same as I did. Once I went with a flow and it made me hated myself so much. I told myself, I should never force myself to be straight any other time in my life. But then I did, swept right to an okayish guy, met up, even though from the bottom of my heart, I didn't feel right, didn't feel like myself, didn't enjoy that at all. AND...those forceful times were indeed when my self-worth sucked, I thought I am nothing, and even worse if I am with a girl, I will definitely ruin my life, go to hell and those who love me will also suffer a lot. But when I was more self-confident, I felt free to the idea that I can be with a girl, dreaming about how nice it could be. I was once again gently chasing a girl, but unfortunately, it was suddenly down. Then I was back in my low self-esteem phase again, this time was people at work, she is a smart, talented senior in my group. I didn't feel I was good enough to be with, my lesbian thought would annoy her, so I turned myself down and once again slightly forced myself to see a guy and felt nothing. As you can see, I swing a lot across two modes. But deep down, I'm only interested in following lesbian couples on youtube. I admire them so much, I feel happy and my "lesbian mode" is always on whenever I see a lesbian couple. I always hope I can find a significant girl in my life, I still believe if we want to make a relationship work then we can make it work. I only need a reason to step out of my closet. It's not an authentic version of me right now, I'm so tired of hiding my true self, but I'm not brave enough still.
