1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Seeing Things In A New Light

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by whisper1990, Aug 11, 2021.

  1. whisper1990

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2021
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm not quite sure where to begin but I'm a woman in my early thirties and have been feeling really antsy and restless over the past year when it comes to the issue of sexuality, my own specifically. I grew up in a super conservative, Christian family (I'm now agnostic and stopped attending church five years ago) and I have very strong memories of recoiling in my pre-teens when an evening service consisted of a visitor who had once identified as a lesbian but had been 'saved' and was now very happily married to a guy and had children. We were always told 'love the sinner, hate the sin', but this was literally the only person I'd met who didn't identify as straight until university. I went to a small Christian high school and whilst I never had crushes on boys like my friends did, I assumed it was likely a result of my shy, anxious self just being 'behind'. Those feelings never eventuated but because I had a couple of 'obsessions' with one or two much older male celebrities, I thought maybe my tastes just ran in a slightly different direction. I knew I could recognise the aesthetic appeal of boys (and girls) after all and on one occasion even just picked a classmate when friends insisted I MUST have had a crush at some point. He'll do, I thought.

    University came and went and I still never had a crush on a boy. I no longer had a friendship group or social group so it wasn't really put to the test and I sort of put the whole issue of attraction to the side as irrelevant given my life and how nobody had ever been attracted to me either. At some point in my mid-twenties, I once or twice considered the possibility that I wasn't straight after all (because why am I on ##### reading about Hannah Hart and shipping Rizzoli & Isles and only having phone backgrounds of Gillian Anderson or Gwen Stefani's abs), but chalked up my appreciation of women I knew or saw as 'aesthetic'. After all, I wasn't struck with an urge to make out with them or have sex, so. Maybe I was asexual? Not that it mattered, I thought.

    Except more recently, I've wanted a label, a name, a box, even. Too much TikTok hinting at things and finally giving myself permission to consume a lot of WLW media, both literature and visual TV/film, perhaps. I don't like not knowing. I went internet researching and ended up re-examining the idea of crushes because most things I was reading sort of required you to answer questions like 'who do you want to kiss? touch? have sex with? be in a reationship with?' At the age of thirty, I hadn't done any of those things. I hadn't and haven't been on a date or even hugged anyone outside my extended family in over a decade. I don't know if I like this or that, if it feels 'right' or not. I don't crave what I don't have, so to speak. I can get aroused when watching porn (20 year old me on first getting internet in my bedroom bought a subscription to a lesbian porn site out of 'curiosity', smh) but haven't even ever got myself off before. And I don't just randomly find myself fantasising.

    So I went back to the idea of 'crushes' and was forced to think about a number of 'obsessions' and 'fixations' I'd had over the years that, looking back, were actually just regular old crushes that I'd deemed something else - starting with a girl in the year above me when I was ten whose athleticism I was 'impressed' by, a girl I met on a church camp who was older and was magnetic and had such strength (I suddenly remembed how my touch averse self HADN'T been uncomfortable with resting my head on her lap and having my hair played with - had craved it), and even my English teacher for what felt like four years or so. I just admired the way clothes looked on her lean body, wanted her to like me and think I was 'cool', I had thought, as I planned out where I would sit so she MIGHT walk past me and acknowledge me, lol.

    But the crux of the matter is that, even though I THINK I could potentially be a lesbian, I just don't know. I haven't had any physical experience with any sex or gender, and it's not as though I'm repulsed by the sight of men and horny for the touch of a woman. I can't 'test' my suspicions, but I also hate not knowing. And if I do know, that changes my perception of self and brings about questions regarding whether my family needs to know, whether I should tell their homophobic asses that the reason I really have always wished they'd stop nagging me about getting married to a man and having kids isn't so much about making me feel bad about being undateable but that I have no interest in the MAN part of it, specifically... I just have a lot of regrets, being so sheltered that I didn't even know being gay was a possibility as a youth, being at university and feeling simultanously attracted and repulsed by the LGBTQ+ space but constantly finding excuses to pass by it out of 'curiosity', etc.

    Any help or advice would be appreciated. Obviously. :/
     
    #1 whisper1990, Aug 11, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2021
  2. Love2sleep

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2020
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello and welcome ;0)
    I can understand your questioning and how you feel you need to understand who you are and how you identify yourself. Not having any experience with either sexes can make that even more confusing as you have been able to ‘test’ your feelings and attractions in a physical manner.
    Maybe your upbringing has made you feel inhibited so to speak concerning your sexuality. Let me be clear, there is no time frame in figuring out who you are. We change as age and what is important when we were younger seems not so important as we age and vice versa. From what you've written it seems you are not straight but that's not for me to label you.
    Have you thought about getting out and experimenting at all?
    I had so many female crushes growing up, I even had posters of women on my bedroom wall, when all my friends had men. I didn't think. I was a lesbian, I was just attracted to women and never had a real attraction to a man. I would think constantly I just have crushes and it's normal too.be crushing on females as I'm growing up. It never dawned on me that I was attracted sexually, I just thought they were beautiful or I admired them. My family was homophobic so I never spoke to them about these ‘crushes’ my mother would question the posters and I would just say admire them and I don't fancy celebrities lol. It wasn't until I watched a film when I turned 13. In this film two best friends be lovers and it suddenly clicked in my head. I now knew what these crushes was really about. I realised I was into girls and not just because I admired them. It took me another 5 years to kiss a girl and well from that kiss I confirmed who I was. I still struggled with my sexuality and would say I was Bi as I had never been with a guy so couldn't test that I was really a lesbian. That went on for a few more years. To cut a long story short, I realised that although I could.be attracted to a guy and have sex with them, I.could never emotionally become attached to them. I only ever fell in love with a woman. After much thought I decided to stop dating guys and allow myself to be me. Which is a lesbian. I hope you find the answers you seek and I remember there is a lot of support here when you need it.
     
  3. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello, @whisper1990! You've definitely come to the right place.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself for not thinking it was a possibility in your youth; it's actually a lot more common than you'd think, especially given your upbringing. From everything you've stated, I think it's a very real possibility that you're lesbian--and a certainty that whether lesbian or otherwise, you're not straight. Experiences count for a small part of one's sexual orientation, you'll find--it's actually a lot more about how you feel than what you do. So the fact that you haven't done anything at all is nothing to be ashamed of. You're trying to work through things and know yourself better, and that's what matters.

    As to whether you tell any family members? That's entirely up to you. You don't have to come out until you're ready, or even at all. Whatever choice you make, it needs to be with two things in mind:

    1) Your happiness.
    2) Your safety.

    As long as it's safe for you to come out, you can do so whenever you're ready. How much you tell people and which people you tell is entirely up to you. Take your time, feel out any situations beforehand, just to be sure.

    I'm sorry you've been struggling with this for so long. I know it's difficult (I myself came out only 2 years ago) but take solace in knowing you're not alone, and that you've already begun taking that first, most important of steps.
     
    GrumpyOldLady and Love2sleep like this.
  4. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I can totally relate to your story it isnt that dissimilar to mine although I fortunately do not have a homophobic family.
    I really sympathise with not knowing and that it can seem that a lack of experience feels like it makes it harder to figure things out but actually experience I think can be a help and a hinderence (not that I had any either).
    Take the feelings you do have like the camp memory, if you'd felt that way towards a guy do you think you would be questioning whether it was real.
    Attraction is not all about sex and who you want to kiss and touch in that way, it can be but it is also so much more. It is who you want to spend your day with and come home to at night. It is who you feel completely at home with and can sit or lie with in complete silence and be the happiest you have ever been. I think that is why it took me so long to figure things out. I never looked at my friends and wanted to kiss them I never looked at a girl that way as such. I did however always want a best friend (or at least that is what I thought at the time).

    Let's say for a moment you are gay, forget about your family for a moment, imagine having a girlfriend, imagine having a life together etc, see how that makes you feel. If I asked you to tell me why you cant be gay or attracted to women what would you say.