Hi peeps, I'm a little troubled and I don't know where else to turn to right now. I'm romantically involved with someone, the feelings are there and I want to be with them and enjoy their company and it's great doing things together. We click. The problem comes in that they are very sexual and I'm not. At the start, same as with my previous relationships, there was this exciting amount of sexual tension that made me fantasize and lust a little and then after two very lovely intimate moments it just dissaeared. They'll get frisky and fiddle and kiss and all the things I enjoy but the moment it goes further it's like I'm absent, I don't feel it, I'm not even sure I want it. I want to want it and make my partner feel good but I just don't? When sex talk comes up and people talk about how great it is and seem so ruled by their sexual urges I feel like an outsider looking in. I don't understand. Especially since it was there. I feel like maybe I'm broken. My partner knows. We've talked. I don't want to push them away or feel neglected. Sorry for the rant. Thank you for reading.
Hey dont worry I dont think you were ranting. Has this always been the same with all of your previous relationships?
You are not broken and I wouldn't consider this a rant at all. This sounds like you could be asexual, which is why I would ask you if you've always felt this way if silverhalo hadn't beat me to it. Do you think there is anything that could be causing you to lose interest in sex (change in meds, traumatic event, depression, anxiety, etc.)?
My first question is whether you have a history of any sort of sexual trauma or, absent that, anxiety, or some sort of difficulty with emotional closeness. Most of the time, what you're describing wouldn't be consistent with asexuality, at least as the word is widely used and accepted; hardwired asexuality usually manifests in a complete lack of interest in sex that is consistent, rather than what you describe with the fantasy and excitement that was initially present. The presence of those initially, and the later "cut off" of those feelings would usually imply that something going on in unconscious is blocking further interest/connection, as would the dissociation you are describing.
I'll basically echo Chip on this one: if the lack of interest sexually isn't consistent, it doesn't sound like asexuality. You could just have a low libido once the initial infatuation stage wears off, or it could be connected to stress, anxiety, past trauma, medication, etc. You don't have to answer, but were you like this pre-transition? I know of a handful of trans individuals that upon going on HRT or as far as partial surgeries have lost their sex drive. If you're on HRT, it could be a contributing factor. That said, I'm by no means an expert on the matter. I hope this helps, even if only a bit.
To add to what BiGemini and Chip have said, it could be dysphoria getting in the way of sexual feelings. It doesn't mean you're asexual, but if you don't want to engage in sexual activity it could be related to dysphoria especially if you are pre-hrt or pre-op.
My previous partners and I ran into similar issues but at varying time frames. My first relationship had on and off sexual phases. Mostly I guess I felt I had to. Realizing I was transgender and dealing with depression that my therapist suggests might be aggravated by trauma, also not wanting kids, hasn't really helped at all. What freaks me out is how I've thought for some time I'm asexual and then do have sexual moments once in a blue moon, I fantasize about stuffs and sometimes feel the need to release by masturbating even if I don't really enjoy it? But I feel selfish because I can't even fake it for my partner if that mood doesn't hit me. It's like impossible to pretend since it stars grossing me out a little then. My current partner is trans too, first person with a penis, it makes no difference at all, I even thought maybe that somehow made a difference. It's just very weird and when I hear people freak out and talk about sex and when I have these weird in between moments of feeling the need which then dissappear forever and a day, I can't help but feel weird.
@Katelyn93 I think, given everything you're dealing with mentally and emotionally, it makes a lot of sense. I know it's difficult, but try not to feel guilty; that will probably only make it harder to overcome. Have you talked to your therapist about how it's impacting your relationship? Perhaps they can help you work out a method to overcome it, though I imagine it will take a fair bit of time. Being honest with your partner is important, so that they know what's going on and to hopefully not take it as some sort of failing on their part. Neither of you are to blame; it's just something that happens. Being trans too, I'm sure your partner understands, even if they don't personally experience the same problem.
