Below is a list of threads in the Coming Out Advice section that have been deemed helpful or important. Because there are so many, we've put links to them together in one thread, rather than having a bunch of stickies at the top of this section. We will post in this thread every time a thread is added to the list, so you don't need to constantly check for updates; just check the date of the most recent post in this thread. Be sure to check the stickies in other sections of the forum for more useful advice and information. If you want to suggest any threads that could be added, please post in Ask The Staff pointing us to the thread you found useful. Spoiler: General Coming Out Tips Coming Out Tips General Coming Out Tips & Questions to Ask Yourself 1) Come out when you’re ready. Don’t feel as if you are forced to come out to anyone, and only come out when you feel are ready to have that information out there. 2) Think about relationships. Will relationships change between spouses, parents, siblings, children? 3) Will work relationships or school relationships change? Is your community / workplace / school inclusive? 4) Have a backup plan in case things don’t go the way you planned. Tell a friend, coworker, teacher your plan and if you can stay with them. Or get the address to your local LGBT shelter. 5 Stages of Grief The 5 stages of grief can be applied to yourself when figuring out who you are, and when coming out to those who are close to you. It’s good to keep in mind the 5 stages of grief when coming out because most people will not automatically be at stage 5; acceptance. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial – Avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear Anger – Frustration, irritation, anxiety Bargaining – Struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, telling one’s story Depression – Overwhelmed, helplessness, hostility, flight Acceptance – Exploring options, new plan in place, moving on Coming Out to Friends Most LGBT people worry about how their friends will react when they come out. Your friends may react differently and you should expect both the best and the worst. They may be surprised, already have known, or have lots of questions. It is also good to think about what kind of questions your friends may ask you so you’re not caught off guard. If your friends react negatively to your news, give them time to absorb the information and try reassuring them you are the same person you have always been. If they do not come around and accept you for who you are, they probably aren’t worth having around anyway. How to Tell Family There’s no one way to tell your family you’re LGBT. Though it’s best to have a general idea of what you’re going to say, or hand them a letter for them to read if you’re not comfortable with the face-to-face conversation. Never come out to family when anyone is in a bad mood, tired, stressed, angry, or walking out the door to go to work or school. Find a time when everyone’s relaxed to share your news. You know your family best and how they will react. They may be shocked, angry, worried, or find it difficult to accept at first. Though, they may just need time to process the information. If you know your family will not be accepting of LGBT people and you still want to come out to them, make sure you have a backup plan in case things do not go the way you were expecting. Some backup plans you could think about is calling a supportive friend if you can stay at their place if your family reacts negatively; staying with supportive relatives; sometimes even coworkers, bosses and teachers are an option! Some places have shelters for LGBT youth who have been kicked out of their homes as well if you do not have any other options. Youth Shelters North America Covenant House UK Stonewall Housing AKT: Nightstop, Shelter Spoiler: Coming Out Letter Examples More can be found here: https://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php Spoiler: (Transgender) Letter for Parents Dear [parent], This letter is a bit difficult for me to write, but I feel that it is important for me to write it. There is something I have been carrying inside of myself for some time now, and I now feel ready to come to you with it. I am transgender. Specifically, I identify as [insert gender identity here], which means that I [insert either the proper definition of your gender, or the most easily understood explanation for your gender identity that you feel they will understand]. I know this may be a bit difficult to understand at first, and it may be very new to you, but it is something I have known for some time. I trust you with this information about who I am, and I would like if in return that you start calling me by my chosen name, which is [if applicable, here], and using my pronouns, which are [here]. I plan to [insert aspects of social transition you plan to pursue here, such as changes to your presentation. If you plan to pursue a medical transition in the near future, such as hormone replacement therapy or surgery, you may mention this here, too.] This is to help me feel more at home in my body as well as the world, and it’s a feeling I hope that you can understand. I’m still your child, with the same likes and dislikes – I’ll just be living more authentically as the true me. And I know that you may have some slip-ups calling me [Name] or using [pronouns] at first, and that is okay. I would just like to know that you are trying your best to learn, understand, and support me. If you do slip-up, you do not have to make a big deal out of it. Correcting yourself is enough for me to see that you care about and respect who I am. If you have questions, I want to talk about them and help answer them. I also understand you may want to speak with other parents of trans children to learn more. There are plenty of resources for parents and families in person and online, and I am happy to show you some of them. Thank you for your understanding and your support, [Your name] Spoiler: Coming Out to Schools / Professors (Transgender) Dear Professor ______, Hello, I am one of your students in the [time and date] [Class]. My name is [your name] but you won’t find that on the roster. This is because I am a [your identity], I use the pronouns [pronouns]. The name that is registered with [the school] is [legal name]. Now that you know who I am, this is why I write you this email. I’d find it more than appropriate if you were to use the name [your name], opposed to [given name] on your roster. This would be greatly appreciated due to the fact that I do not go by [given name]. Socially it will be easier for me to communicate with my classmates if there were no confusion on my name and pronouns. If you have any questions, please email me back. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your class. Signed, [Name] Spoiler: Older LGBT National Resource Center on LGBT Aging Spoiler: Support & Suicide Prevention EmptyClosets Individual Support Crisis Text Line Pride Counseling Better Help Healthy Place *Updated January 2022
