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Reflections of a straight guy after bottoming

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by str8guy28, Oct 26, 2020.

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  1. Nickw

    Nickw
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    @str8guy28

    Hey man. I am a bit curious about this “counseling session” with your “gang bang” buddies. This seems pretty irregular to me. What does having your friends there help with learning about your sexuality? This seems like a set up for a counseling session that has more to do with discussing the sex and less to do with your potential issue that you are submissive (not that there is anything wrong with that)

    Your first time was with four guys. This seems to me like it may be a fantasy fulfillment or a kink? The second time I’m wondering if it is indicating something more. Like you might well be bisexual or gay.

    I’m a bisexual. I have been involved in group sex with several friends. When I did it, it was a way to satisfy my sexual curiosity in a non committed way since I’m married to a woman. I could test drive the experience without worrying about the emotional side of intimacy.

    To be completely honest here. If the only gay intimacy I ever had was in a group like this, or what you experienced, I could comfortably say I was pretty straight. Without some sort of bond gay sex, or any sex, can be pretty mechanical. Having now been intimate with the same man for over two years, I can comfortably say I’m bisexual. Because, I am able to express my emotions through sex with a man.

    We are all a bit different. But, my thought is that this sort of sex, that you had, doesn’t prove much of anything as far as your true sexuality. It does show you are open minded. Maybe you are bisexual. Maybe it is really about needing to be submissive.

    I would think the counseling session might be better spent in discussing YOUR sexuality or other issues with needing the approval of other men perhaps?

    in any case, I don’t know you. So, my thoughts here may be way off..
     
    #21 Nickw, Nov 14, 2020
  2. str8guy28

    str8guy28
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    I dont know the qualifications of this counsellor other than mu insurance covered it. He deals mostly with issues in the gay community. He felt it would be beneficial that the 4 guys attend the session as they are part of this too. He took more of a mediator role in it. Things ended up with me agreeing to continue with it and accepting the guys suggestion that we do it every other weekend and focus on some of the more submissive aspects of it and see how it goes.
     
    #22 str8guy28, Nov 15, 2020
  3. Destin

    Destin
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    I'm conflicted on that. Some of them probably are a little bisexual, but I know two in particular who seem 100% straight in every way...they just enjoy the convenience of gay sex sometimes. I was friends with benefits with one for around a year, and even though he enjoyed the sex he didn't really enjoy me...just the act of having sex itself. He would explain it as "why would I go spend $50 taking a girl out on a date, and then spend hours complimenting her, for only a 50% chance of getting to sleep with her just one time, when I can hookup with you for free as many times as I want and fantasize about girls while I do it, my orgasm doesn't feel any different anyway."

    The other one pretty much thought the same way, he was maybe a 7/10 on the hotness scale, but still had an extremely hard time getting hookups on straight apps because of the fierce competition. When he downloaded a gay app though, suddenly there were 20 dudes a day throwing themselves at him and begging him to pick them. It was just so much easier to get sex he rolled with it despite not being into guys.
     
    #23 Destin, Nov 15, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2020
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  4. Chip

    Chip
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    So when you are saying "focus on the more submissive aspects of it" and referencing the previous post where someone suggested this was more about being submissive than about being gay, can you elaborate on that? The reason I'm asking you to do that is what you are describing doesn't sound consistent to me with what I would have expected a therapist to be looking at to help you answer the question.

    Are you comfortable talking about your personality in terms of the "submissive" idea? Is that something you would say is a part of other aspects of your life? (In other words, I'm asking about your overall personality type, whether you're a "pleasing" type personality, assertiveness, and such.)
     
    #24 Chip, Nov 15, 2020
  5. str8guy28

    str8guy28
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    I just do not like conflict. Thats the personality I have. Others are able to influence decisions that I make. I dont know if thats really being submissive or not. I really thought that this counsellor would have been of more help. It seemed like he was more focused on just justifying the situation.
     
    #25 str8guy28, Nov 18, 2020
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Well... it sounds like the counselor completely blew it. If you were able to communicate that you avoid conflict and allow others to influence decisions you make, that alone, for a competent counselor, that should have been a red flag. At the very least, it would be a reason to explore the issue in more detail with you, individually, before you brought the others in.

    This is the sort of thing I'd probably want to see several individual sessions to explore (perhaps way more) before bringing the others in. Part of that to discuss what you are after, part of that to look at the difficulty with conflict. Both of those need to be addressed *before* any agreement is made to further pursue things.

    So one important question to ask yourself now, since your therapist apparently didn't do so, is what do you want? And by that, I'm saying what would you want if you knew that your decision would have no impact, positive or negative, on the other guys. Would you want to continue to explore this? Or are you doing it because it would be disappointing to them if you didn't?

    I can also tell you that conflict avoidance isn't just a personality trait; it originates in early childhood experiences and trauma. It is definitely not hardwired, and one of the problems with it is exactly what you describe, where you have difficulty making your own objective decisions, and end up getting steamrolled. The problem is, you've likely done this all your life, because it is a behavior you learned early on that was necessary for survival, so you don't know how to do anything else... and often, even considering doing anything else creates anxiety or discomfort.

    This is a problem I have with many LGBT counselors. Their own unhealed agenda gets in the way, and they often have a tendency to encourage a particular outcome rather than to help the client figure out what s/he wants... which is a huge no-no for therapists and counselors, but doesn't stop many of them from doing it anyway.

    So I would definitely suggest getting therapy, but I'd find a different therapist, probably one who isn't an LGBT specialist, since I don't think your issue, now that you've described it, is principally an LGBT issue.

    If you want to continue talking about it here, it may help with the therapy you get.
     
    #26 Chip, Nov 18, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020
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  7. Nickw

    Nickw
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    @str8guy28

    I was thinking a bit more about your experience and how it related to mine. I think @Chip is spot on. There is a big part of me that is about pleasing other people. Especially, pleasing other guys that I am attracted to as friends (nothing to do with sexual attraction). I am always the guy that will be fine with anything that makes the others in the group feel good (again, not talking intimacy). It might be as simple as what we choose to eat after a kayaking run. We never do what I would rather do because I never want someone else to have less of what they want.

    I know this affected me the couple times I have been involved in group sex. I don’t like it much. I don’t dislike it either. I would just rather spend the evening after the climb exchanging stories on other climbs. But, I went along with it because my friends wanted it and I wanted them to be happy. I also wanted their approval. I wanted to feel I belonged.

    A lot of us wrestle with this problem with self worth. It is, definitely, something that therapy can be very helpful with. I agree with @Chip that your therapist should have caught onto this right away and explored it with you.

    In your heart of hearts, do you have fantasies about doing this again? Was there one of these guys that you have to admit you find attractive?
     
    #27 Nickw, Nov 18, 2020
  8. Bastion

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    While I don’t have a particular advice for the actual subject of this thread. I find the posts written by @Chip to be spot on especially the ones concerning therapy.
     
    #28 Bastion, Nov 20, 2020
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