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Reflections of a straight guy after bottoming

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by str8guy28, Oct 26, 2020.

  1. str8guy28

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    I am 28, married 7 years. For the past year and a half my wife and I have been involved in the swing scene. We live in a mid size city that has a strong lgbt community and our swing group is open to all. I am straight but have developed friendships with several gay men. Two weekends ago there was a large swing party help that encompassed 3 houses. A few of my gay friends had made plans with this other guy to attend the party at one of the houses and bottom for them but this guy ended up being a no show. Partly out of curiosity but mostly out of friendship I ended up suggesting that I take this guys place. After discussing it with me to make sure I was serious about this 4 friends of mine ended up topping me for about 2 hours. I cant say that I really felt into it sexually but felt ok doing it more from a friendship perspective. I don't have any regrets for it or feel any less of a man from the experience. I do feel that I grew some just as a person.
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Welcome to EC str8guy28,

    Sounds like you are a good friend, and trust your friends. Cool to know that you are open to experiences for growth. I hope you and they have not ghosted each other since then.

    If you are in a swing scene I’m guessing you and your wife are already paying attention to STI safety, use of condoms, frequent STI testing, etc. In case other readers come along, I just wanted to point that out.

    Is there anything those of us on EC could do that help you process this experience, or delve into other aspects?
     
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  3. str8guy28

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    Thanks DecentOne.
    I just wanted to post that something like this is possible when you have a wife and friends that are not judgemental. What I learned being in the swing scene for about 2 years is that it should me more about the other person rather than about yourself. The difference this time is that the other persons happened to be men instead of women. This was really a spur of the moment decision for me and its one that I haven't regretted.
     
  4. 10 5 gang

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    You know yourself better than I and I am in NO WAY trying to label you, but wouldn't that make you gay or bi? I'm questioning my sexuality so forgive if I'm pressing, but does you fantasy life match with this new experience?
     
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  5. str8guy28

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    I just don't know if having a feeling of indifference to it it common. I have been struggling with that since. I don't have a firm feeling one way or another about how I feel and it frustrates me at times.
     
  6. str8guy28

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    I gave this another try over the weekend. Had some different reactions to it. I got erections during it. Also involved 2 on 1 action where I was getting it front and back. I am feeling frustrated now. I got physical enjoyment from it but feel pretty empty about it emotionally.
     
  7. DecentOne

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    Hi str8guy28,

    Emotionally empty? Was this time an experiment for yourself, to see if this opened up something new about your feelings or orientation?

    I ask because last time you did it for your friends, for them to get something out of it.
     
  8. str8guy28

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    I was asked by my friends to do it again. I did thinking it wouldnt effect me like last time but now am confused because I had an erection this time. I guess I am starting to question my sexuality.
     
  9. RD Spencer

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    What do you think might have been driving your curiosity to begin with?

    In the past have you sexually fantasized about other men or found yourself noticing them?

    What I have read here on EC is that when many of the members have realized they aren’t straight they look back into their past and see indications of their sexuality that they overlooked or thought were meaningless at the time.

    This is something I am working on as well.

    As for an erection, I am under the impression that it does not always mean much. Physical stimulation alone can often lead to an erection even if the person is not mentally into it.

    If you haven’t already take a look at other threads here on EC and even dig back to older ones. There is a search option that can helpful as well. I am seeing that I can often find the answer to many of my questions in then, although it does help with perspective to type out what you are feeling.
     
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  10. str8guy28

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    I can't really look back and notice anything. It was really spur of the moment at the time. I need to make a decision as to whether I should keep doing it and see where it leads or just stop.
     
  11. RD Spencer

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    Do you think there could be something other than sexual orientation behind this?

    Have your friends offered their thoughts on this?

    I have read that sometimes straight men with have gay sex for reasons other than being gay.

    I believe psychotherapist Joe Kort talks about some of these possibilities. You can find his work doing a web search.

    Also in the later in life forum here on EC a lot of members talk about not discovering they are LGBT until their 30’s 40’s and beyond.


    Either way give yourself time to research and think about it. Sometimes taking things slow is best.
     
  12. DecentOne

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    Questioning is good. I thought I was straight when I first came on Empty Closets, but something changed, and I started having male fantasies. So there I was, a late middle aged guy with grown children starting to figure out something. I like to say I shifted to bisexual. I’m good with that.
     
  13. Chip

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    This is one of the (few) places I'm not sure I agree with Joe Kort. While he does talk a fair amount about this, I think it can end up confusing things more than clarifying them, and his work is based on his own clinical experience, which is awesome for some things, but isn't so great if we're looking at objective factual information that we can generalize.

    At a basic level, anal stimulation can feel good, and so, sure, it's possible for any guy, straight or gay, to enjoy anal stimulation. However, I think it gets more complicated when we start talking about having sexual relations with other guys.

    Str8guy28, one of the most complex pieces to look at here is the relationship between the unconscious (where our sexual drives and desires and such reside) and our conscious mind (which is where our conscious choice and independence resides.) For many people who discover they aren't completely straight, it's quite possible to blissfully go along for 20, 30, 40 years and never have any indication that they're anything other than straight. And then, one day, something happens... and some bit of awareness happens. It sounds like that's what's going on for you.

    Now... when this happens, it would not be at all uncommon for your conscious mind to reject it; it doesn't fit the schema of what you know about yourself, and, let's face it, no one wants to be gay. There's still stigma and judgment and messages we get from organized religion, media, etc. So as much as we might be supportive or allies for gay people, no straight person wakes up and says "Gee, I really wish I were gay." So if you start getting messages from your body and unconscious that maybe you aren't completely straight, even if you're totally cool with gay people (which it's obvious you are), it would be entirely normal to essentially blank out from the emotions associated with what you're experiencing... because to not do so would be to open up to the idea that you're aroused by, and attracted to, guys.

    There's also the other piece, which is that I don't think it's common for someone who is totally straight and thus, has absolutely no interest or particular curiosity about gay sex to just say "Hey, I'm happy to bottom for you three gay guys because you're friends of mine and I'd like to help you out." Again, this is something I'd expect to see in someone where there's a disconnect between conscious and unconscious. Unconscious knows it wants same-sex experiences, conscious is either "nuh-uh" or "Meh, I can be chill, let's give this a shot." Further, for the guy who was completely straight, he'd do it once, go "OK, that was interesting, but it didn't do anything for me..." and that would be the end of it. The fact you went back for more would further indicate (to me, anyway) that your unconscious is driving this exploration.

    Does this mean you're gay? We definitely can't say that at this point. But it probably does mean you're not completely straight. And you seem open about both exploring yourself physically, and about talking about it and exploring what it means for you. That's awesome, because it makes it a lot simpler. The fact your wife is down with open sexual experiences is also a huge help, as one of the things that I think is really important in these situations is authenticity and integrity with one's partner.

    What you might do is explore some of the feelings on your own. Spend some time masturbating without porn, and try fantasizing about different things. In one session try fantasizing about your wife or some other female. And in another, fantasize either about the guys you were with, or about some other guy you find attractive. The trick here is to try to be completely open and nonjudgmental. Your conscious mind will probably get in the way somewhat (for the reasons discussed above) but usually your body will give you a pretty clear idea of what's going on. Perhaps you'll find yourself much more aroused by your wife or whatever women you're thinking of. Or... perhaps you'll feel super strong arousal thinking about guys, and notice a kind of arousal you've never really felt before. That isn't uncommon with people in your situation.

    The key is simply being open, curious, and nonjudgmental about it. Whatever it is, whether you're straight, bi, or gay, you can't change it, and exploring and learning about it isn't going to make you any more or less gay (or straight.) But what it will do is help you get a clearer picture.

    If you are comfortable doing that, and reporting back on what the experience was like, it may help clarify.
     
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  14. Destin

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    I don't think you're gay but there definitely seems to be some small level of bisexuality going on there. I can't think of a single straight guy I know, even the ones who sleep with guys sometimes, who would choose essentially getting gangbanged by 4 guys as their first foray into non-straight sex. For two hours (2 hours straight of bottoming on your first time? You've got some serious endurance my dude!). Then doing it all again.
     
  15. str8guy28

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    I just have some decisions to make now. The guys are interested in making this a regular thing. In swinging it would be like a fwb's situation. My concern is this is starting to get around to others now as far as whats going on.
     
  16. DecentOne

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    Because??
    I’m going out on a limb to say I figured the best way of getting around “what will people think?” Was to remember: I am not homophobic. I am not sex negative. So I tell the people who might feel sad I hadn’t told them first, then I really don’t have anything to worry about.

    My wife has her own fears, and I’m not pushing for any experience with a guy, but I’m open with her about where I am in my mind. Maybe I’m not the best to ask this but it seems your’s is open to new experiences. Does she know you went back to your friends for more? Do you feel comfortable saying that to her? Are you in the habit of discussing your feelings after swinging? What are you used to as a practice/process for keeping up communication and trust with each other?

    PS - I’ve listened to Chip over the years. I’ve “liked” his post here in this tread. I don’t always do that, but I always pay attention.
     
  17. Chip

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    From what you've described so far, it doesn't sound so much like a decision of "do I want to continue this" so much as a need to figure out what's really going on for you. Playing devil's advocate for a moment... if you are gay or on the gay side of bi, and this part of you is starting to come out, it probably isn't going to work to try to just put the genie back in the bottle. Once you open up to that awareness, you really can't very effectively shut it down.

    So perhaps the decision is not so much about going forward with the FWB or not, but the decision to try and figure out where you are on the spectrum. Now... I suppose you could do that by continuing with the FWB, but that might end up being confusing. It might be easier to first explore for yourself (such as, with the masturbation exercises I mentioned) and see if you can get some clarity on attraction and arousal first.

    The problem with FWB, especially if you are already wondering if there's more to it than just casual sensations that are reasonably pleasant, is that frequently, somebody starts developing feelings. And that can really mess things up. It may also complicate things with your wife. So for my 2 cents, it might be better to try to gain some understanding on the issue, and where you stand, first. And then, once you have a little more clarity, I think the next steps will be more clear.
     
  18. str8guy28

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    Thanks for the responses. I have got in touch with a counsellor that deals with the gay lifestyle and he suggested that I and the 4 guys meet with him to discuss the situation. He feels that I am not really bi/gay but am instead submissive. My 4 gay friends said that makes sense to them also. The decision was made to continue to explore this for now and reevaluate it it from time to time.
     
  19. Tightrope

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    I agree about looking back to see what was felt and thought earlier in life. Very true about the many things that can cause arousal.

    I was thinking the same think about being able to endure all that. Destin, do you consider some of those straight guys who sleep with guys sometimes to be straight or do you think it is about something else?
     
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  20. Chip

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    Would you be comfortable / do you have interest in discussing the idea you're submissive? That in itself may be something to look at, in terms of your long-term happiness.