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Realizing that I have inner turmoil and it's destroying me

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. Lesbee

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    Girl! I just turned 40! It might be a maturity thing, or it might be because society has taught most women that our goal is to "get a man" and every other woman is competition & it just takes some of us longer to break out of that conditioning (or any number of other things).

    I'm sorry you haven't found more women like that in your area - but I know they exist. I met (and fell in love with) one when I was in high school) but I know they can seem rare. <3
     
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  2. jjusa

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    Lol! It could be a maturity thing, or some people can get out of it better than others. I know a ton of queer people younger than me that have already embraced their sexuality.

    Meh, no need to feel sorry. That's just how my life has turned out. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. jjusa

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    Just based on previous experience I do not see myself being in a relationship with another woman. I cannot see myself falling in love or anything like that. It just doesn't feel right.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Everyone finds acceptance and stuff at a different time, ages really has nothing to do with it as everyone has trodden a different path.
    I dont think you will be able to find the kind of girls @Lesbee is describing at the moment until you have had some therapy and worked through your past trauma as at the moment you cannot see past the previous hurt that has lead to the mistrust and your mind is so intent on protecting you from what it believe is the negative outcome of letting any girl in that you couldn't get to know someone. THat doesnt mean you as a person are not able to just that you are not currently in the right place to be able to do it.
     
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  5. out2019

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    Again to me this doesn't' sound like you don't want it but that you can't see it. Sounds like a very good subject for therapy :slight_smile: I am not an expert, obviously but have you tried 'journaling" maybe writing out the reasons you think you might be feeling this?

    Not everything is resolved, but I just told myself it's ok I don't have to have everything figured out and resolved to move forward. I might not ever have the answers to everything.

    Again, imagine a hetero person saying 'why do i like girls with red hair' and not wanting to move forward until they figured it out...I think a lot of answers only come with doing.
     
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  6. jjusa

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    I'm not sure how much trauma plays a role in my inability to connect with other girls. I haven't been able to connect before AND after my trauma. I have social anxiety, GAD and depression. The other thing too is that girls don't want to let ME in. Maybe they don't trust me, even though I am usually friendly, kind and sociable. I try to connect, but they reject me. Maybe girls just don't find me interesting. I'm always excluded or pushed away by girls and then I gravitate towards guys for emotional support and friendship. I don't trust girls to meet my emotional needs.

    Generally, I share more common interests with guys which makes them better relationship material imo. Having common interests and receiving emotional support are very important to me. I try to imagine dating situations - a classic date night at home and I see myself laughing and having a good time with a guy, but with a girl, I am extremely hyper-vigilant; the situation just feels awkward, emotionless, and I can't relax or feel comfortable in my own skin. Doesn't really make for a good relationship lol. Yes, trauma therapy will help me open up to people and see more positive outcomes, but I don't want to make the immediate conclusion that I don't want a romantic relationship with girls because of past trauma. I think a relationship would have happened already regardless of trauma.


    Yep! The number one reason is bullying which I hadn't looked into until recently. Bullying is the source of all my current mental health problems (I think). I haven't journalled in a while because I am not a fan of writing it out vs. talking it out with someone else.


    That's where I'd like to be - not to need to have everythign figured out- but then I go back to overthinking again. For me, it's "do I like girls romantically" and not wanting to move forward until I figure it out. I need to know it's ok to not know.
     
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