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racist gf parents

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by queermess12, Nov 13, 2021.

  1. queermess12

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    okay so i really need some advice. my girlfriend and i have been together for 2 years. when we first started dating, we were living at her parents house and we didnt tell them for maybe the first 5/6 months of our relationship. the moment they found out, everything changed. i initially moved in with my now gf and her family because i have no family myself and she was just a really awesome feiend that helped me out to keep me from being homeless. as we grew closer we started going on dates and before you know it were dumb in love :slight_smile: the only problem is her family.
    living in house was awful. a home of white people that has have had no experience with any other person of color was genuinely like culture shock for me. (im so serious they literally dont know any other black people but me) there were always weird remarks that her parents made, and some that were just so blatantly racist i was in shock that people could be so ignorant. (i am black and puerto rican btw) it was so bad living there feeling like i couldnt say anything ever, i could never defend myself, and i was expected to be the spokesperson for every black person ever and the educator as well. which honestly, at first i truly thought that they wanted to learn yknow? i wanted them to understand that just because you as a white person can't attest to anything i experience as a black man living in america doesnt mean it doesnt happen. anytime i tried to approach having a conversation, i was always negated and told that "that doemst make sense" or "but things are a lot better than they were" which is crazy insensitive to what i actually experience on a day to day basis. ultimately i got tired. tired of explaining and not being heard. so i put my foot down and i said that im not google. if you need to understand something look it up! research! but dont expect black people in your life to relive every dark, messed up traumatizing thing we've experienced to prove to a point. so i stepped back and just washed my hand of them. i had done wverything in my power of a 2-year span and i just couldnt. it was obvious that they woudlnt try to understand or educate themselves. this obviously caused a rift between my girlfriend and her parents. i never want to be the person that says "choose me over your family" but she made that choice herself based on all the bs that had happened over the last two years. thankfully, we dont live there anymore but i dont know what to do honestly. i know that she still talk to her parents (very briefly and not nearly as much as she used to) and it doesnt bother me. the thing that bothers me is im so in love with her, i just dont know if i can deal with her racist parents for the rest of my life(i know that sounds dramatic but i really wanna marry this girl) i've definitely made it clear that i feel unsafe in their home so holidays are basically a no-go. i dont know what to do. any advice
     
  2. Rayland

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    I wrote an answer to your other post, but this gives more context.

    You really can't make someone stop talking to their family, if they are important to them. I would do anything for my family, even if in the end, they wont accept me. This is how important family is to me.

    Communication is the key and in a relationship, there are always 2 people involved, not just one and there is also her family. If your girlfriend cares for you and you care for her, then you two will find a way to make it work.

    Your girlfriend can also communicate with her family and tell or educate them, that their racist remarks don't just hurt you, but her as well and say that this makes you feel unsafe there and if they want to spend the holidays with you two, then these kinds of remarks need to stop.

    Therapy can also help you two to find out how to communicate with the family too not just each other.
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    This is a really unfortunate predicament. While I'm nowhere near the situation you're in, I can empathize with wanting to spend your life with someone, but having misgivings about dealing with their family for the duration of that life. While it's not always a bad thing (some people get along with their in-laws), entering into a relationship seldom involves just being with that person. I think the only thing you can do is weigh the pros and cons:

    -If she remains in touch with her family, can you cope long-term?

    -Are you willing to compromise and make an appearance at family functions with her, should she choose to go? Conversely, would she be okay with those functions being fewer and on a limited basis when attending (i.e. not staying overnight)?

    Ultimately, if the relationship is to work despite the incompatibility between you and her parents, it's something the two of you need to talk about. Only if you are open and honest with one another and receptive to each other's feelings can this work. No mistake, her parents are the problem, and if they were horrible to her, I'd say it would justify her cutting them out of her life. But if she has a good relationship with them (or previously did before their repetitive racial charged conversations with you) then it's a decision not so easily made--or one that simply can't be.

    I also have to ask: did your girlfriend ever stand up for you in these situations? I understand she ultimately chose you, as you both moved out of her parents' home. But I mean when these things were occurring, was she present? Or did they more or less corner you whenever she was elsewhere?
     
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  4. queermess12

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    thank you so much much for replying so quickly. its nice to be able to get it out. This has been a incredibly difficult situation and im doing the best i can to make sure i stay afloat during all of this. ive truly never experienced something like this, my circle of people primarily include POC. i love my girlfriend very much and i'd never want to intentionally put her in a situation where she feels "trapped" for lack of better terms. i really hope that this doesnt ruin our relationship
     
  5. Aspen

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    I see a few possibilities here:

    1. If your girlfriend wants both of you to continue having a relationship with her family, then she's going to need to be willing to set boundaries. Hard, probably uncomfortable ones. She's going to need to make it clear to them that racism won't be tolerated, that you are not their guidebook to everything Black in America, and if they're not willing to listen then it's not a subject they get to broach with you. Then, more importantly, she needs to enforce them. That might mean leaving in the middle of dinner. That might mean never going over to their house for the holidays.

    2. Your girlfriend continues to have a relationship with them but you don't have to be involved. You don't have to see them on the holidays, you don't have to talk to them. This might feel like you're driving a wedge between your girlfriend and her family, but it's not. This is 10000% on her family, not you.

    3. Your girlfriend goes no contact with her family.

    I'm #2 with my mother. She's racist and transphobic to an extreme that somehow manages to get worse every time I see her. She used to be homophobic until I came out and now we're down to the very-real microaggressions. My wife has met her twice and my goal is to make it never happen again. She shouldn't have to keep her mouth shut while my mom spews vitriolic nonsense but I still have to see her if I ever want to see the rest of my family (much less awful than she is). It sucks, but it's what I have to do with the way my mother is.
     
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  6. queermess12

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    Id be okay with her talking to her family and having a relationship with them as long as i just wasn't mentioned in any capacity at any point just bc of the history. i dont know if im going to be able to ever make an appearance anymore at her family gatherings. if her parents did try to apologize/educate themselves them maybe things could be different, i just truthfully dont see that happening.

    sometimes my girlfriend was present for these interactions and sometimes she wasnt. obviously the second scenario was more traumatizing considering she wasnt there in the present moment, and i felt as if i had no one in my corner so my best bet was to just shut up and take it or walk away
     
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  7. queermess12

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    i think #2 is where ive been trying to get to for the last year or so (even while we were still living with them i just tried to be on my own/be at work ect) they just legitimately wont stay out of my business. like we genuinely dont have to speak to each other. ive felt guilty for doing this just because i didnt want to strain the relationship between my gf and her parents.