Questionnaire on love/dating.

1. Yes to both. People can surprise you either way and not be what you expected.
2. Yes, for the same reason as number one.
3. It takes me some time to develop feelings, probably because I tend to be more reserved and cautious.
4. They are not the same. Crushes for me usually have to do more with a characteristic that appeals to something happening in my life at the time.
5. Well, its working for me right now. I'm seeing a great guy and it is going well.
6. You never know 100% until your in one, but there are usually signs of immaturity that are apparent beforehand

 

1. Do you go on dates with those you know you already like/are attracted to? Or do you accept dates on the chance you may feel more attraction afterwards?

- To be frank, for a variety of reasons I'm off the market, however I've made a few personal decisions that I think are relevant to this question. When I decide I'm ready to date again, I'm going to be cautious and make sure I have some history with the person before I engage with them romantically. Friendships are a good place to start, but I guess it depends how open one is to random dates, and I am certainly not.

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2. Is it worth dating “outside your type”?

- It's worth getting to know what kinds of personalities you gel with in general. Sometimes that includes dating; sometimes you meet really incredible people away from the pools you'd be comfortable in. And sometimes it's really educational because it teaches you what kind of relationship would make you happiest. Don't be afraid to experience new things, is the point.

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3. How easily/often do you develop feelings?

-As I can only speak for myself, not easily anymore and not very often. My life has been complicated and trust is an issue for me. I develop friendships very easily, though, and I welcome all kinds of people into my life and circle.

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4. Do you consider crushes the same as “love”? If not, what’s the difference?

-Abrupt feelings of lust and a desire for physical affection define crushes, but love runs deeper and lingers long after. Crushes can become love, though. They can also dissolve into friendships. Neither are a bad thing, so long as both parties share a mutual understanding of direction.

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5. Have dating apps ever been effective for you?

-I have very negative feelings towards dating apps, since most of them are monetized and thus predatory; they engineer systems to make people come back to their apps, and keep people in a general state of limbo. I suppose some of them could help, they are not all the same, but I would caution you to keep your mental health and safety at the forefront when using them.

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6. How do you know a person is ready for dating/relationships? i.e. is there an ideal mindset or degree of maturity one should be in?

-At the very least, a person needs to have their expectations of a reasonable relationship sorted out and be prepared to express them in an honest fashion, and one needs enough maturity to wish someone well after getting rejected and still move on looking for someone more compatible without that or any other rejection hindering their willingness to proceed. I'd personally recommend loving yourself enough to be confident that you deserve love and happiness, as well as having friends and family in your life who support you in finding a healthy relationship.

 

1. Do you go on dates with those you know you already like/are attracted to? Or do you accept dates on the chance you may feel more attraction afterwards?

If I consider a guy somewhere in the realms of attractive, then I may accept a date. A guy doesn't have to be exactly my type or super attractive for it to be a possibility. It's cliché, but at the end of the day, looks are going to change with time.

2. Is it worth dating “outside your type”?
I think so. There are definitely some men that I find very attractive that are outside my type and tons of men that I find at least somewhat attractive outside of my type. I think I am "accepting" of quite a few personality types, but there are just some personalities that I know aren't compatible.

3. How easily/often do you develop feelings?
I wouldn't say that easy. Probably because I don't interact with a ton of guys my age lol.

4. Do you consider crushes the same as “love”? If not, what’s the difference?
No. Crushes are like the trial run, or precursor. The feelings behind a crush are more surface level, while they extend deeper for love.

5. Have dating apps ever been effective for you?
Yeah. Don't have very much experience on them, but was in a LTR from an app. Some guys can be frustrating for sure, and I can see how being on apps for longer periods of time or interacting with some awful people could ruin your mental health lol

6. How do you know a person is ready for dating/relationships? i.e. is there an ideal mindset or degree of maturity one should be in?
Not really sure, besides interacting/communicating with them for a bit and looking for red/green flags. They should be over their ex, able to communicate, and to a degree, be able to accept criticisms/work on themselves a bit.

 

1. Do you go on dates with those you know you already like/are attracted to? Or do you accept dates on the chance you may feel more attraction afterwards?

I only go on dates with people I'm attracted to. (Or else that'd just be hanging with a pal.)
I don't care much about dating, so I wouldn't go out of my way to make myself attracted to somebody.

2. Is it worth dating “outside your type”?

At this point I'm fairly certain that "having a type" just means that anybody you're ever gonna date is not gonna be like that. So yeah, as long as it's fulfilling.

3. How easily/often do you develop feelings?

I have to get pretty close to somebody to develop romantic feelings, so it doesn't happen often. And when it does, it often goes away quicker than it came.

4. Do you consider crushes the same as “love”? If not, what’s the difference?

I guess they're the same chemical reaction, ain't they ? So yeah, they're the same except one lasts longer.

5. Have dating apps ever been effective for you?

Never used them, never plan to. They seem to be the most toxic thing ever.

6. How do you know a person is ready for dating/relationships? i.e. is there an ideal mindset or degree of maturity one should be in?

I don't really wanna see stars in their eyes or whatever. For me it should all be about being comfortable, being able to talk and not putting much stakes into the relation. Ideally, both partners are independent, able to talk and are just in it for the ride. if it ends, it ends, no need to feel bad about it or hate each other.

 

1. I go on dates with both people I know better and others who I barely met. I'm hesitant about online dating, though.
Aha, after rereading the question... I go on dates only with people that I find attractive and don't hope I will get more attracted later, because it never happened to me. At the same time, I consider a lot of people attractive enough to date them, so it doesn't restrict my dating pool too much.

2. Yes, I think limiting yourself to a type might greatly restrict your opportunities of finding someone valuable. Sometimes you might not even have an idea who turns out to be a cool person. Or what they might be like.

3. I'm easily attracted to people, but don't fall in love very quickly. I mean, I find people attractive, but don't develop attatchment until we have become what I would consider good friends.

4. I consider crush to be an intensive but short-lived fascination that tends to burn out after some time. What I refer to as love is something that develops over a longer period of time, months or years.

5. No. They're too chaotic for me. Everything disappears too quickly. I'd rather be able to come back to a profile and read carefully what a given person writes. I'd rather not get my convos deleted.

6. I don't think you can be not mature enough for a relationship. Unless you don't understand basic social rules like a small child. Being in a relationship takes practice and there you need to practice to get better at communication and being close with someone. Teenagers can be in relationships. That's probably the level of maturity that is needed for it.

 

I'm off the market and will be for some considerable time. But I do have some perspective on this as I met the love of my life - my late partner - online. For what it's worth, all of my experience has been while I still thought I was a hetero cis male..

1. I think the latter. Attraction is such a fascinating thing. In my experience sometimes love can instant, or alternatively it can be a slow burner. I got together with one girlfriend some 15 months after our first date. So, yes, keep an open mind. I have a few rules though - no Tories/Brexit voters, bigots and nobody with appalling spelling/grammar/punctuation. Sorry, it just wouldn't work..

2. Yes - you might be surprised. I didn't think I wanted to date someone with children. But I made a conscious decision to be open minded with my last online relationship. I fell in love with my partner, who came with a 7 year old son. Now while she's gone I've got an amazing 16 year old stepson whom I'm soooo proud of.

3. Probably too easily. I refuse to be cynical - I believe in love.

4. A crush is a form of love. It's all valid. Wouldn't it be great to use a more positive term for it though?

5. Huh, well, not 'apps' as I don't own a smartphone. When I do return to the dating scene it will be conducted as it was - on dating sites via my laptop. And the one that I used last time - ***** - was very successful, thank you!

6. Well...here is where I could talk about what I call the dating paradox. In other words, the ideal time to go dating is when you genuinely don't care about whether you'll meet someone or not. If you're down, feeling lonely, still getting over someone, grieving, too busy with other stuff then don't. But if it's low stakes, when you're feeling carefree and thinking 'what's the worst that could happen? I could, at the very least, get some funny stories to tell my girlfriends' then you're probably ready, ripe for that wonderful frisson of potential that dating can bring..

That's my tuppence worth, anyway.

Beth x