Hi, how do I know if I am a lesbian? I grew up in an environment that's not very kind to lgbt and with my many bad experiences, I have never explored relationships or even find my likings. I kind of just concluded that Im not normal and will not fit in. As I grow older, I started wondering if the conclusion I made then is valid or not, hence leading to this confusion I have now. Any advice on this?
Hi Mky, I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling confused and that your environment is not accepting of LGBT+ people. If you feel comfortable to do so, could you tell us a little more about why you think you could be a lesbian? I wouldn’t say that I grew up in a place that was unaccepting of LGBT+ people, but equally there weren’t many openly LGBT+ people and I can’t remember even seeing any lesbians in the media. I assumed that I was straight until I was in my late twenties, was in a long term relationship with a man, and eventually I worked out that I’m a lesbian at around 28 or 29 years old. With my ex, I went out with him because he asked and I figured that I may as well get it over with, but had he not asked me out, I may have stayed single for most of my 20s. There’s nothing weird about your experiences. For me, it took some time questioning to come to the conclusion that I’m a lesbian. Some things I considered where who I pictured myself with, both intimately and day-to-day, and who I saw myself with in the long term. The idea of only having relationship with men seemed dull and unappealing. Take your time and keep posting. There’s no rush to have this all figured out.
Hello~~ thanks for responding. I didn't really think of myself being straight actually. I kind of totally avoided the topic. I grew up in a broken family, my dad had an affair leaving the family scattered and broken. I was very close to my dad and would say my dad was smart to have me bonded with his mistress with the reason that she is the domestic helper. At the point when his mistress and me were very close, I found out and couldn't react to the situation. I mean, how do you expect a 10 yr old to react. There were a few more episodes, including his drunk and hand touching episodes, until I recently found out my dad actually didn't wanted me during the divorce discussion, he only wanted my brother and I drew the line after that. During my school days, I stood up for one of my female classmates when she was being bullied by the male classmates. What I thought was a kind gesture, turns out with me being outcasted by my entire cohort with rumour of me being a lesbian. With me doing quite well in Basketball, a sport deemed for guys only in my school, it just contributed to the rumour. After which, I just totally shut myself off socially, just passing time in school. It was a nightmare to be honest, I was like a virus to them. It was only recently that I decided that I have to face my nightmares and started questioning things. As I look back over the years that I shut myself off, I noticed that even if i try to befriend a guy that I thought I may be interested in, I lost interest very soon, not being able to see myself being with them. However, I work really well with guys, its like my working style is just like a guy, and fits in perfectly in those environment, but in relationships, sadly I don't at all. And over the years, I was attracted to a few of my female friends, am not sure if it was due to the care and concern that they showed me as a friend. I kind of accepted that there is a possibility that I might be a lesbian, but am not sure if it's because of my fear of guys after what my dad did, hence leading to my questioning.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, @Mky. It sounds to me like the trauma your father put you through could be a contributing factor, but that isn't to say you couldn't actually be a lesbian--only that the trauma has made it harder to find clarity in this issue. The fact that you don't feel attachment to guys outside of friendship is very telling, in my opinion, and suggests to me that you being a lesbian is pretty likely. If you can, it might be worth it to look into receiving therapy--particularly from a therapist that is open or experienced with LGBT folk. If a therapist isn't in the cards, I think the next best thing is mulling things over. Reflect on your relationship with guys vs. girls; all the ways that are similar, all the ways that have been different. Whether those were good relationships (in this case, I mean friendships or acquaintanceships, not necessarily romantic) or bad. Of those that had an impact on you, how did they impact you? As for the girls you think you had feelings for, what did you feel when you were around them? Did you feel drawn to them, wishing to be closer physically and emotionally? Did you often think about them and miss them when they weren't around? Have you ever fantasized about them (or women in general)? You don't have to tell us, but I think asking yourself these questions can help you work things out. And above all, there's no rush--take all the time you need. If you need anyone to talk to, my PMs are open.
Hey welcome to EC, you have already been given some good advice. These things are always tricky to figure out. I am sure we can help you figure things out.
Thank you all very much for the advices. Am really glad that there is somewhere safe to ask such questions..
