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Questioning Orientation at 41yrs old

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 41confused, Jul 12, 2021.

  1. Ingvermama

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    Hi 41confused, could you be bisexual? I have always been bi. Married the first man that I thought was right for me, and he is, but I want something else as well. Something he can’t give me.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Very few things in life are dead certs and we tend to accept that as fact and carry on, but when it comes to our sexuality, many people feel a need to pin everything down and become rather frantic if they cannot do so. In actual fact, we don't need to reach that point of certainty with our sexuality.

    Most people are able to recognise a predominance in their sexual orientation. It may be towards the opposite sex or same sex and it's sufficient to say they are straight or gay. That doesn't mean curiosity will cease forever because we [humans] are a curious species who like to know what other people are thinking or getting up to, and that's okay. In fact, it's healthy. So maybe you need to think more about predominance than certainty and look at where your private thoughts and fantasies lie. Of course, there are people who don't have a strong inclination towards the opposite sex or same sex, so bisexuality remains the best fit for them.

    When all is said and done, we select the label we are happiest with. I do know some bisexual people who are overwhelmingly attracted to members of the same sex and could very reasonably be described as gay, but a previous relationship with the opposite sex causes them too much doubt. That's their reality and I cannot tell them they are wrong and nor can anyone else - and nor should we. Maybe that's where you are, right now?

    I do understand the need for clarity, in order to anchor ourselves, but we can also get very worked up about labels and become emotionally invested in finding the perfect fit. Try to give yourself a break .
     
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  3. Paul101

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    That was a really tender response and it resonated with me very strongly. I think the line about labels is wonderful and it made me think about my own situation. I've only recently acknowledge the fact that I am a gay man, and I know that is the right label for me, but now I have to work on accepting it as a label and get comfortable with it. I suppose what I am trying to say is that even though you know a label is the right one for you, there is still work to do, and only you can do it.

    x
     
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  4. Love2sleep

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    Be true to you and there is no need to put a label on yourself. Whether you feel, gay, bi or straight. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is what matters.
    You're doing amazing.
     
  5. 41confused

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    Bisexual is my current conclusion, if I have to have one. It's really hard to not think in binary terms when that is the way I've perceived culture has framed sexuality my whole life. I am very much feeling that I am wanting something my wife can't give me.
     
  6. 41confused

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    I know you are right, but the ambiguity is really challenging for me.

    I think I might need more time (and maybe sexual experiences) to recognize the predominance. Since the gay side is new, it seems to have a bit more erotic power in my fantasy life at the moment. I know I'm a very sexual person, and I've been extremely turned on by women my whole life. That would seem to indicate that I am predominantly hetero, but since the gay side is new, and I've never had sex with a man, I'm left wondering if that would be a way more powerful experience for me.

    I appreciate all of your support, and I will continue to process and try to do so without putting too much pressure on myself.
     
  7. 41confused

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    Thank you. I'm slowly getting there, but I clearly have some deeply ingrained homophobia from my religious and cultural upbringing. I was a devout conservative Christian only 4 or so years ago. Coming to terms with my agnostic atheism was hard (and still is at times), so this added layer is even tougher. That's a big part of what makes me wonder exactly where I will land. It's conceivable that I'm far more sexually repressed than I realize.
     
  8. Ingvermama

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    You don’t have to give yourself a label if you don’t want to. Having some time to figure it all out will help, but I’m in the same boat as you when it comes to moving forward and looking to experience what we crave. Hang in there!
     
  9. out2019

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    Going back to your original post above, and then reading these:

    Reminds me of a very subtle feeling that a lot of men coming out later in life felt - they wanted someone to tell them they were gay and it felt good when someone did. I remember desiring this and feeling really good when someone said 'yep I think you're gay'. It's almost as if we need someone else to make the decision for us.

    I think you're on to something here! :slight_smile:


    Reading this:
    Again, only you can decide and I am not trying to make decisions for you but it sounds like you're beginning to see what many of us figured out...

    as Contented said:
    Many of us enjoyed sex with women but once we allowed ourselves to think about sex and romance with a guy.. well it felt like.. this:

    The thing is it kept being 'new' a year, two years later and by comparison many of us realized we didn't enjoy sex with women nearly and much and for some of us the desire just faded away altogether despite still finding women attractive.
     
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  10. Contented

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    Frankly the first time someone called me gay was a heady experience. After so many years of subconsciously faking straight it was a rush for someone to recognize I was gay.
     
  11. 41confused

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    Here's a question: Did any of you find the idea of another man with your wife arousing prior to realizing your bisexuality or gayness? It's a kink I discovered about myself a few years back and has remained powerful, even since developing same sex feelings. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Is this a turn on because I get to envision another man? Or does it play more into the heterosexual side of me?
     
  12. Spaceseed

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    No but I gave a pattern of retrospective jealousy in my relationships that got me wondering if it wasn’t a hidden cockpit fantasy from my subconscious , otherwise I’m very territorial in my Herero relationships ..

    everything else you describe resonates with me.
     
  13. out2019

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    I never experienced this but I remember feeling jealous of my girlfriend when she was giving me a blow job. What part of the fantasies do you identify with? I noticed for example, though i was looking at the woman sometimes I was identifying with the role.. especially since we don't have any models readily available or might not be facing them.

    I had no idea how deeply repressed I was until I started to accept myself. When I was repressed I might have fantasized about giving a blow job, but when I started to accept myself I realized how badly I wanted to be f*cked by a guy. Not a woman with a strap on but a guy. Once I started to accept that an experiment with some toys, I lost all desire for any straight sex and wanting to 'get off' via ejaculation became secondary.

    I remember two girlfriends who thought I was gay and said it, I was still repressed, so I had the feeling of anxiety but looking back I also had a feeling of elation relief and excitement.
     
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  14. Contented

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    I can so identify with out2019 comments here. This is exactly how I felt. As I started to acknowledge my homosexuality I soon realized how repressed I was and much I craved being with another man experiencing all aspects of gay sexuality. I wanted desperately to feel a man inside me, once I did straight sex became a thing of the past quickly. Any desire for women disappeared and was replaced with revulsion towards sexual intimacy with women.
     
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  15. TheJack

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    Have you considered just going with no labels?
     
  16. 41confused

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    Interesting thought about identifying with the women in porn. I definitely think my deepest sexual urges are submissive, so this would make sense.

    I do need to get away from labels, they aren't helpful.

    I think inner conflict and shame are eating at me right now. Shame about fantasizing about sharing my wife, shame about fantasizing about men, shame about finding men attractive. Consciously I'm ok but at the subconscious level I seem to be troubled. These fantasies run so far counter to what I've been told and have told myself for so long about what it means to be a man that they are causing internal conflict. Talking to and being accepted by a few people has been helpful, but it doesn't permanently calm the inner voices. I know it will take time, but I'd like to find some other tools to help with self acceptance.
     
  17. Spaceseed

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    The power struggle is hard to deal with , but there’s incredible strengths in both the masculine and the feminine , another thing society has distorted …
     
  18. Zazzoz

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    I’d do it. I always wanted to have sex with a man while a women watched.
     
  19. 41confused

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    I have several people in my life who think I should put my sexuality to the test by having an experience with a man. My therapist suggested this early on (which I found a bit alarming). My wife says she is ok with it, and another friend I've confided in is also encouraging me. The fantasies and attraction are still with me after first discovering them three months ago. I'm curious what input you all might have on this idea.
     
  20. Dannytheshining

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    Pretty much in the same boat. The fantasies that you make are a good tell. I have fantasies all day involving a guy. It is possible you are Bi if you are still sexually attracted to women.