For the past few days I had never been so sure that I was gay, I even came out to my friends, but today a doubt came to my mind. It appeared firstly when I realized that my sexuality guide was just a selfish and manipulating liar. I no longer can trust in anything that came from her mouth or was somehow connected to her. As she was the one to help me understand my sexual orientation better I simply must go back to considering myself a straight person, even though most of the talking in our conversations was done by me. So to start over the process, this time cleared from lies and deceiver I have decided to ask you, people who can gain no profit from my orientation, for your thoughts. So the question is if I am gay? Why do I think that I might be? Well simply because I watched gay porn ever since I firstly saw it, which was month after starting to watch porn. Further, strong evidence is the fact that I have, in multiple occasions, pleased myself anal and that I still sometimes long for it. Till now I had never kissed so I can’t tell which one I enjoy more. I have felt attraction to a woman, never sexual which is not the case for me. As far as I can remember I never went to sleep thinking about woman which is not the case for man. My wet dreams included males in them, and never a female. From this it is pretty clear that I prefer men over woman. This is not the part that is putting me to think. It is the emotional one that is worrying me. I have watched gay porn for 4 years or so and yet I never liked a guy before, at least not before I met my sexuality guide and became truthful with myself. I am currently going mad about my neighbor, my best and only true friend. He caught my hearth with his selfless dismissing of his previous views about gay people, for me. What I am wondering is whether my feelings are genuine or not since they appeared after the appearance of my sexuality guide and I can only think of everything after her as a lie now. I need someone new, someone with experience on this matter, to tell me again, for the first time what my sexual orientation most likely is. Stories of yours, if you have any that I can relate too, would be appreciated and are encouraged to be written. P.s. I have tried the best I could not to make this long read a boring task. Please pardon any overseen grammar mistake and misspell.
It's unfortunate that you had a falling out with your mentor, but keep in mind that just because you turned out not to get along with her, it doesn't mean that everything she said was a lie or somehow necessarily false. If some of the things you discovered with her still ring true for you, then run with them. Same thing goes, actually, with the various pieces of evidence you brought up for being gay. While people watch all kinds of porn, and feel innumerable (and sometimes conflicting) emotions towards various other people, more than anything else, the fact that YOU seem to think that this leads in the direction of your being gay is probably the most important factor here. Ultimately, you know yourself better than anyone, and if that's what you think all of this means, then there's probably something to it. As for your neighbor, it's probably easy to develop feelings for him since he's been so accepting and you already have an emotional connection with him, via your friendship. But unless the attraction is actually distressing you at this point, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It sounds perfectly natural and not like the kind of thing that will harm anyone.
And about the "not liking a guy" part. I'm very into sex, and don't discriminate partners due to gender, which leaves my options wide open- and I've had exactly one real crush in my entire life. ONE person who made my heart flutter. Some people seem to be able to crush on anybody, but that's not true of everybody. Don't stress too much about that. I'm sorry about your helper being a liar. That really makes it hard to trust people.
I'm pretty sure that means you're gay. And you're 17? I was 18 when I first developed a crush on a guy, and older before I found myself attracted to girls. Now I think I have a slight preference for women. What I'm trying to say is that the emotional attraction might show up later, and even if it hasn't yet, you're evidently gay. As for whether your feelings for your neighbour are genuine: If you are no longer listening to your former sexuality guide, and you still feel attracted to him, then you really are attracted to him.
