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questioning my sexuality and relationship

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by crazyLdk96, Oct 3, 2018.

?

What am i?

Poll closed Jan 11, 2019.
  1. bisexual

    6 vote(s)
    100.0%
  2. lesbian

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. crazyLdk96

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    Hi! I am a 22 year old female who could use some help and advice. This post will be long, so thanks in advance if you read the whole thing, and even more thanks if you respond! And, I'm going to be pretty candid lol. I can't remember what age I started masturbating. I think it was probably around the fifth grade (I obviously had no real life sexual experiences at this age nor was I experiencing any real life physical attractions), when I had no experience with men or women. Whenever I masturbated, I thought about girls, specifically, me doing things to them, never them doing things to me. I also discovered lesbian porn at a young age (my preference still to this day) and would climax to it. I would masturbate to female celebrities, lesbian porn and rarely, to the thought of a girl i knew, for example a female gym teacher I once had. Every so often, a male fantasy came waltzing in. None of this ever made me question my sexuality. I grew up having intense crushes exclusively on males and in my day to day life, I wasn't noticing girls the way I did in my private time. It seemed just a fantasy, so it never caused me any stress or anxiety. Looking back, I may have had what was a crush on a female friend in elementary school, but besides her, exclusively males. I never felt out of place, and I never felt different from my female peers. I never developed crushes on girls, girls didn't give me butterflies. I got nervous around boys, day dreamed what it would be like to kiss and date them, got butterflies and felt sexual attraction to them as I got older, just like my female peers. I never felt as though I was faking it to fit in and appear "straight." As far as I knew, it was good old genuine attraction, so I never questioned myself. I dated boys all through high school, never desiring to date a girl. I lost my virginity at 15. I dated two boys in high school and had so much sex it wasn't even funny. Though I never climaxed with either male, I loved having sex! I would want it all the time, it was great. And I loved reciprocating acts and bringing my male partners to climax. I graduated high school, went to college and started dating another boy immediately. Just as I explained, we had sex constantly and I was super attracted to him (but also never climaxed). I came home for winter break and was masturbating as usual. Except, for the first time ever, once I was finished, asked myself "woah I masturbate to things a lesbian would, does this make me a lesbian???" This ensued an absolute anxiety ridden freak out. Should I break up with my boyfriend? Has my whole life been a lie? Am i gay? am i bisexual??? Eventually me and that boy broke up for unrelated reasons. I went on the rest of college accepting that i was bisexual at the very least. I went the rest of college following my natural attractions (all boys), especially being absolutely in LOVE with my best male friend for two years. Out of curiosity from my first questioning I did go out of my way to hook up with a girl!! To be honest, it didn't make me want to throw up but I was pretty uncomfortable. I didn't climax and she went down on me but I was not comfortable at all with reciprocating. So, once again I went on with calling myself bisexual and flash forward to now and I am dating another boy who I met towards the end of senior year and fell for hard emotionally and very much enjoyed hooking up having sex with him. I never felt like things were missing with boys (except the orgasms lol). But with girls, I didn't like hooking up with one and I don't seem to fall for them emotionally either. Regardless, I still masturbate to lesbian porn. man do i find it HOT!!!!!!!! (i hear this is overwhelmingly common among woman no matter their sexual orientation...google it) i don't fantasize about girls i know or celebrities anymore, just lesbian porn and sometimes the lesbian porn with a combo of boys i've been with while watching or i just imagine I'm having sex with one of the girls in the porn. While hooking up with boys, my mind has never naturally wandered to imagining them as anyone else, boy or girl. I've forced myself to try but it just brings me out of the moment. I feel pretty comfortable in my label as bisexual, it feels good and best describes my natural inclinations over the years. This will sound silly but the biggest thing that makes me question my sexuality isn't even what i masturbate to or the lack of orgasms with men. It's that when i get high (weed) I have horrifying/crippling thoughts of "YOU ARE GAY" "YOU gotta break up with your boyfriend" "you are gay and haven't accepted it" "you're just a liar" this horrifies me (not bc i am scared of being gay, that would be fine, honest) only because well i don't want to break up with my boyfriend and when i'm sober i don't FEEL gay! my boyfriend, parents, friends and my therapist know everything I have just typed out. Everyone I know would be so super supportive if i WAS gay, none of them however think i am, and i feel like in my heart I know i am bi. Even though i didn't like hooking up with that one girl, i still would hook up with another if the opportunity arose, but i am happy with my boyfriend right now. same way i don't want to hook up with EVERY boy i know, maybe she just wasn't a good match for me. Point is, is that i have heard weed shows you your "true" self (my bf is a massive stoner and he said that that just simply isn't true. he also has been so amazing and understanding and said that if i want to experiment more i can even though it would hurt him he wants me to be able to be comfortable and figure myself out. he really is the best) so i get scared that maybe i'm not bi. maybe i am just gay in denial????? i have some anxiety/ocd issues (hence my therapist) so i have been OBSESSING over this. I'm usually not this black and white and i know sexuality is a spectrum but i feel so lost not feeling definite over such a big part of myself. i am constantly worried that i am not bi, i'm just a lesbian in denial. i worry I'm gonna marry a man, have kids and then realize I'm gay. sometimes i wonder if i am even bi at all, maybe it's just my fantasy life?? i feel guilty that maybe I'm just a secret lesbian in denial and I'm bound to hurt my current bf. i wasn't worrying about this until the last time i smoked weed (about two months ago, also when i started dating my bf even though we were together from a few months before that) but ever since the last time i smoked and that happened i have been obsessing. I google "how to know if i am gay" "how to know if i am bi" "am i in denial" so much that i memorize the links that come up!!!! i spent four years in a sorority and wasn't attracted to anyone and i've always wanted attention from guys not girls. but then i think "oh you're still in denial you are just conditioned by society to want a boy" i have envisioned my life with a girl or a boy and honestly if i ended up with either i wouldn't care, i have thought about it so much that i am desensitized to the idea. sometimes i worry that i haven't explored my bisexuality enough before settling with a man (current bf) but again i wasn't feeling this way until i smoked. i just wish i didn't get high!!! i want to go back to not being anxiety ridden over this. I'm so anxious all the time it's all i think about and have intrusive thoughts and now sex with my bf is hard but it wasn't BEFORE i smoked weed!! i was so happy before this living life comfortable as bi and now i am just convinced i am a lesbian in denial. I would experiment to ease my mind but I DO NOT wanna have a threesome or be sexual with someone outside of my current relationship. i feel like i am going insane!!!! one second i feel super gay and the next i feel straight and then i feel bi and i just don't even know anymore!!!! i'd rather just be full gay, being somewhere in the middle seems so freaking confusing and hard. sometimes i really wanna experiment with another girl bc the fantasy seems so hot but in real life i just don't meet girls i wanna do that with...but i feel that with boys i meet. i don't know. and i DID try a girl and my mind really wasn't blown and she was a cutie!! i really don't wanna break up with my bf but this is driving me insane. i know nobody except me can know my sexuality but does anybody have any opinions or thoughts that could help me calm down about this?? thanks!!!
     
  2. crazyLdk96

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    edit: is it possible that i don't like men as much as i think i do?????? i don't feel like i make it up? but also i never orgasm with them and my masturbation fantasies are predominately female?? or predominately just lesbian porn?? i can't really imagine a life where i am not attracted to men, my attraction all my life has been strong????? could i really be gay and not know it or repress it that much? i never feel like i was repressing anything?? also while sleeping i never had dreams about women romantically or sexually. only men. once i started questioning i had dreams about women but only sexually. i get scared that on my death bed I'm gonna be like "IVE BEEN GAY THIS WHOLE TIME" i have been going crazy questioning every aspect of my past and trying to predict my future. someone please help ugh :frowning2:
     
  3. Love4Ever

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    You sound completely bi to me. I get the strong attraction to men. Physically I have been attracted to the male form since I was very young and have experienced very intense feelings as a result. However, I prefer women as romantic and emotional partners. Nothing you said here indicates you're actually gay in denial. You wouldn't be able to fool yourself into having such intense feelings. I would relax. I think it's safe to say you're not gay if you are as happy as you are with your boyfriend.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I also don't really get the feeling you are a lesbian in denial from what you have written. It sounds like the weed brought your paranoia to the surface and now you just can't quite shift it. As long as you are attracted to your boyfriend I think just enjoy what you have.
     
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  5. Love4Ever

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    I completely agree. You sound happy. It sounds like anxiety might be an issue more than anything.
     
  6. Biguy45

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    Frankly, I’ve masturbated to all sorts of thoughts I would never act on. I wouldn’t get too worried about it
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    I think everybody has. We all have weird thoughts. However I do think the op is not straight since she has gotten off to women before.
     
  8. crazyLdk96

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    this is true. i’ve only dated men and been sexually attracted to men my whole life. but then why is is easier for me to get off to girls? like, a lot easier. i can get off to men but it takes way more mental work?
     
  9. crazyLdk96

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    sometimes i think i havent allowed myself to think of women romantically? i just dont feel a natural pull to them in my daily life ?? but my fantasy life contradicts that? i went on two dates with the girl i hooked up with and none of it felt inmate or natural i had to go out of my way to find her on an app so i could “test” myself. i wish i could trust my instincts and relax about this but im having a really hard time
     
  10. crazyLdk96

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    innate***
     
  11. Nic2552

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    You are definitely bisexual , you are attracted to both sex, lesbians only are girls who are only physically and emotionally attracted to ONLY women which you are not. It's the weed that's confusing you. Lol
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Do you think it is just societies norms that have been programmed into you which are causing you not to feel as comfortable?
     
  13. beenthrdonetht

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    Bummer if you just had to stop using cannabis. (Health Police here: dry vape or use edibles!) But there could be varieties that calm you down instead of provoking your OCD. Which I think (and I think you agree) is the problem.

    The Obsession is that you're deep-down-gay and it is just not true. (Yeah, and knowing that doesn't make the O go away @#%&!)

    Anyone that can looove heterosexual sex without orgasms (and yet giving them) is just not deep-down-gay.
     
  14. Love4Ever

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    I really do think you're bi and since you seem to be happy as you are then continue to do that. But I do agree that, at least in my case the reason some of your feelings for women might feel strange is because we're raised in a culture where it is easy to feel that being gay is somehow "weird", and even if we have no homophobia to others we can still have it against ourselves. This was a hard one for me. I'm not homophobic at all but I was unconsciously uncomfortable of seeing myself as not straight. I didn't recognize what this was right away. That is not to say you're not bi though. Not at all. You sound like you genuinely like men so I think the only reason you only can enjoy WOMEN in fantasies is because they're not real. They're happening inside your head so they're "safe". In real life you might just not be comfortable yet. Or you might not have been with the right woman. I'm convinced though that a lot of this is a mixture of anxiety, (which I have experience with), and unconscious feelings of shame perhaps.
     
    #14 Love4Ever, Oct 24, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018