Question on gay/bi psychology

An open-ended / discussion based question...

For context, this question isn't about people who are very young or uneducated on orientation.
This is about people whom think critically, know about different sexual orientations and are accepting of everyone's.

Do you think its possible for someone not to know wether they're gay or bi, but to know that those are the two options?
Essentially, do you think its possible to know you're either gay or bi, but not know which or have difficulty figuring it out; or do you think that's not how it works and people conversely know their orientation deep down while professing to be questioning?
Can someone know they're one of two sexualities, while also knowing they aren't something other than those two things?

Thanks! Hope everyone is having a good day ~

 

Yes it is possible. I have heard a couple of gay men here say they could have sex with a woman or they did and enjoyed but still identified as gay. I know there are bisexuals here but for a lot of gay men it's just a stage of acceptance they pass through. Many gay men admire beautiful women so again before acceptance that can lead to some confusion or rationalization.

Before I accepted myself, my "I am not gay because" defense was that I looked at women on the street. But 'bi' never felt like the right orientation/label for me and I never considered it. Once I finally started to face the issue of my sexuality, I only considered gay. So I only used it as an excuse to resist accepted that I was gay.

 

I'm not sure if this answers your question or not. Yes, I always knew the definition of homosexuality and bisexuality academically. But, I grew up Southern Baptist (which is ultra, ultra homophobic) and hit my teen years in the 90's when commercialized purity culture was starting to kick in with them. So, when I was 11 or 12 (as puberty was hitting), I started noticing women and very quickly started suppressing that (and got good at it to a point where it was just second nature most of the time).

Meanwhile, as I got into junior high, the church put this massive emphasis doing everything possible to avoid lusting after the opposite sex. They had the girls wear oversized clothing and wear t-shirts over their one piece bathing suits (which not even the Mormons do to my knowledge). They gave all these talks early and often about doing anything that could possibly lead to sex. There were books about people waiting until their wedding to even kiss. They compared girls who had sex before marriage to chewed up gum, used tape, water that had been spit in, etc. But this entire time, as they were talking about this, they never brought up the idea that sometimes people aren't heterosexual. That was always a completely different conversation at a completely different time.

So, this did two things for me. I was being actively encouraged to try to not feel sexual feelings for boys in my mid to late teen years. So, when those feelings never came, it didn't click that I was a little too talented at that effort. That they kept talking like it would be this hard, epic effort to not want to have sex with boys and I was having to put zero effort into that. I just thought I was doing a good job. It took until college when I was trying to date and kiss and things for it to finally register that there was nothing there. That I just plain had no romantic interest in men. But, by that point I had been suppressing my feelings for women for 10 years. And, because I grew up in this super homophobic church and super homophobic family, I was desperately trying to not think about that part. So, I just chalked myself up as asexual since I didn't want to date men anymore.

So, while looking back, it seems fairly obvious that I was attracted to women and wasn't attracted to men. 1 + 1 = gay, I realized those two components of it so many years apart (almost a decade) that I didn't think about them as two parts of the same equation for a very long time. And part of it was how sexuality was presented to me. Part of it I think is because I didn't want to do that math. I was Southern Baptist in Arkansas BEFORE Boy Erased took place. I would not have been safe. I was highly motivated to not do that math. So, I didn't until a couple of years ago. Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a thing and you have to be outstanding at it to be in those churches.

Not sure if that helps. It may not be what you're asking exactly. I knew I was not heterosexual by the time I was 21. I thought I was asexual. It took until I was 41 to realize that by "asexual" I meant "lesbian"

 

Sounds like it was hard growing up in a homophobic church. I was involved in a church until I graduated high school. The minister did make some homophobic remarks once that I knew if but generally it was not talked about. I did have a good friend who was in an evangelical Christian church and they were extremely homophobic. We had a lot of intense discussions. Her family actually had an intervention for me to try to get me to go to to Exodus the ex gay program. I accompanied her to youth group once and the while discussion was anti gay. Anyway that was hard enough I can’t imagine actually being a part of a very homophobic church.

I had attraction to women and felt I might be a lesbian around when I started high school but I can look back and notice things earlier like have a crush on a camp counselor at 10 or so.
I did feel conflicted about it though and thought about it a lot I actually had an experience with an older guy at 14 that wasn’t that great but I did feel something physically but was grossed out by it at the same time. which did confuse things. I did have another brief relationship with a guy later on. But even then felt like something was missing.

Even though it felt like I knew for a long time and actually came out as gay to some people in high school. I didn’t have my first relationship with a woman till I started college. We dated on and off and I liked her and enjoyed being with physically but we were just too different I think. I really fell in love with a woman for the first time the next year.

I still identified as lesbian because that’s what felt right to me. It was possible for me to feel some sexual arousal with a male but it never felt quite right. I have only been in love with a woman and everything came together and it felt like more of a whole person experience.







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That one is tricky for me , I go crazy looking at women in the street , online , anywhere etc…but then once home I have strong same sex urges …

 

I think it’s possible because I currently identify as being gay, but I’ve had to go through this phase too. In high school I had a crush on a girl even though it didn’t lead to anything. I don’t identify as being bisexual right now because when I think about what sex I would like to be in a relationship with it’s men. Still I don’t act like that part of my past doesn’t exist in case my interests eventually change.

 

Once I accepted that I was gay my interest in looking at women on the street diminished rapidly. Like you I felt I was getting 'excited' but lot of it was noticing beautiful women and wishing I could be sexually aroused....

A lot of gay guys also are interested in women's fashion.. so ask yourself:
are you looking at the women or the clothes?
are you looking at a certain part?
Finally, I also noticed though I don't have a desire to be a woman, I was often jealous of their roles. I started to realize for example, when I saw a woman giving a bj I wanted to be in that role and that's what was exciting me.

 

Kinda checking all the boxes here, I’m going to start a separate thread so I don’t hijack this one , thank you !