Hey guys, i have recently started to accept for myself that i am bisexual. Repressing it has lead to a lot of hospitalizations, a life of extremism, and a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and now having had psychotherapy for a long time, getting of of my anti-psychotics catapulted me into my old conflict again, which seems like it is starting to resolve. It is very interesting to see, how for me, someone who always referred to himself as bisexual (in private) and did never see his internalized homo/bi phobia coming, how my mind coped with repressing the homosexual impulses as well as the self-devaluation they subconsciously brought with themselves.. I have spent a decade of my life projecting the self devaluation onto others, thinking about the whole evil outer world that did not accept me, and the homophobic people from other backgrounds who were denying me living my true self by their homophobic attitude. I was fighting them, by political activism, was heavily radicalized and even in support of extreme measures such as political violence, in order to set an end to these evil forces that threaten my existence. In the end the enemy started to materialize in the form of hallucinations and delusions and i put myself and others in great danger, ending up in a mental hospital. The second time due to my lack of self-acceptance, maybe even the third, if you can attribute my self-denial to the first time, when i was hospitalized for depression as a teenager. I would like to feel sorry for myself, but i was my own worst enemy the whole time, i simply was not able to accept and see myself for who i was and subconsciously preferred the descent into madness and inhumanity. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell my story, i hope that it can inspire people that self-denial and devaluation is not an option and has real consequences for yourself and others. And i hope that some people can understand and empathize, maybe even identify with the way i have coped with my inner demons, despite the harm i have or could have caused.
Drowing806.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Those of us who have tried to deny who we are, who have tried to deny our sexuality because society wouldn't accept us have shared your torment. I very nearly took my own life in the midst of depression and self-hate that only abated when I was finally able to accept that I am and always have been gay. Since that moment in 2014 my life has been better than it's ever been before. The support of the wonderful people here on Empty Closets helped me through that terrible time and I will be forever grateful for the help that I received. It sounds like society's heteronormative expectation has caused you to go through your own private hell too. I am so sorry for everything that you have endured and hope that the future will be much brighter. Empty Closets is a place where you can share your needs and find that people here will respond with help in any way that they can. Empty Closets is a place where we care for each other. We are glad that you have found us and hope that we will be a help to you as you will be a help to others here. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Hi welcome and thank you for sharing your story ! How do you feel about your self now ? I totally get what your saying on internalized biophobia been down that road that was a huge speedbump for me that delayed my coming out for so long.
Hey, thanks for welcoming me here It is a mixed bag, right now I am struggling a lot with acknowledging the the bisexual urges I have without the tension of self-devaluation being so high that I just suppress them again. It works for some time, but today i have caught myself consciously desiring primarily women again while attributing my own needs and desires onto them. It okay when i watch a woman sucks cock, the more the better but imagining me doing so, and feeling the enjoyment i derive out of it, is a conscious effort and difficult to accept.
Hi Drowning, you’re in the right place to sort it out in a safe space. I’ve realized I was Bi when I was a child. I repressed it for decades, was an alcoholic for about 20 years. Found my way into recovery with a lot help from my friends, but was still looking for answers. I went through 3 marriages and have managed to stay married for over 34 years with my current wife. Told her 2 weeks ago I was Bi and am not sure if this marriage will last much longer. There have times when I felt Iike my life was about nothing but craziness. Today I know it was simply me hiding from the truth in me. I’m Bi and that has given me the understanding I’ve hidden from for so long. We’re here for you and your in the right place.
Were you taught that any sexuality is all good and the Kinsey scale to see you fit into the bi areas just fine? You were probably taught to be against yourself and feel like many others were against you too. I'm sorry you've gone through so much and hope you can get the medical care and personal support you need and deserve!
mnguy Makes a good point. What did we learn about sexuality growing up other than from experimenting with others who were curious? That’s about alI I got. How about y’all?
I think i have learned from home very early that every kind of desire or emotion has to be rationally or morally justified in order for it to be valid and acceptable. So i have learned to suppress emotions and impulses by default. My parents act like they do not have a problem with homosexuality, but they even did shame us for non-sexual and non-romantic desires and needs as children and heterosexual romantic feelings too. I have very early learned that desires themselves are a form of weakness and one will get shamed and humiliated for having them. Also, my mother seems to be very homophobic, i do not think that she knows that, she is not very self-aware at all but on the rare occasions the topic came up she mostly said something along the lines of 'it is a terrible fate for parents if their child turns out to be gay' and she used to mock me for being a whiny F*** when i started crying from her abuse. So i think i associated homosexual desires, sexual and romantic desires and every kind of desire that makes one vulnerable with weakness and shame very early. Then later came my strong favor for rap music, and i came into contact with artists who also tend to be very homophobic and flaunt a toxic image of masculinity. When hearing them, i usually was upset about the homophobia, but it did not change that these messages have been hammered into my brain for years in a high intensity and frequency. I later also have been in very homophobic and toxically masculine environments, like combat sports or right wing political movements while always taking offense and even openly criticizing the homophobia but never having the self awareness or courage to admit to myself that i do have a problem with my homosexual tendencies and that i am the one not allowing myself to enjoy, feel or follow them, instead i have been looking for reasons on the outside that forbid me from engaging in such behavior. Post puberty i have never engaged in any homosexual acts, besides one time when i was drinking with a friend, who made advances on me and ended up starting to jerk me off, it felt fantastic for the first couple of seconds but then my conditioning kicked in and i felt terrible about it and put an end to it. For years i thought of it as some kind of sexual assault and now in hindsight i really wish i had given in and had let me and him enjoy this experience. The friendship also did not survive this because being confronted with him now meant being confronted with my repressed homosexual tendencies and this felt extremely threatening and i did blame him for what he did.
