Hi all, I’ve recently discovered something that has been nagging me for a long time. I have gotten better at accepting myself and there are also a couple things I would like to improve on. One of the difficulties I’m facing is my desire to follow rules on one hand and wanting to change rules on the other. I am the oldest of three and I identify as gay. We also grew up in a nominally Catholic household and I was usually the one who attempted to keep my siblings in line whenever my disability would allow me to. I’ve always tried my best to listen to my parents in order to maintain order. However, I’m finding my tendency towards feeling guilty about breaking rules is turning out to be a huge liability in my life. Even though I left the church six years ago, I’ve spent most of that time either using external sources to numb out or self-isolating. I’ve been to psychiatric hospitals twice for brief periods and am now in my 16th month of intensive psychological treatment. There’s this feeling in me that is afraid that I’m going to end up in eternal damnation if I be myself. This feeling comes from my natural inclination towards being a rule-follower, even though I think many rules are unfair. There’s also this cognitive dissonance between the fact that it would be cruel to punish someone who is disabled simply because of who they love and the fact I was taught the was what would happen. I am wondering if it’s possible to change your personality so that you are more open to challenging rules and tradition so that I don’t feel this guilt anymore. Thank you in advance for any input
It sounds like you still believe in god? Would it be any consolation to you to think that there probably isn't one? Even if there is, it would be some kind of sadist to punish you for acting on impulses it itself gave you. There's probably no "eternal damnation" awaiting any of us, so there's no reason to feel guilty.
I don’t necessarily believe in God consciously …it’s more of a conditioned response than an actual belief I want to carry. I don’t actively believe in a supreme being, my mind just goes to “what if” mode every time I challenge it. I hope that answers your question
What if you found a community with rules that were in tune with you are: That being gay is natural and as beautiful as being straight? What if you challenged these beliefs one by one. Why should I feel guilty about wanting to express love?
something's telling me that you are not necessarily a "natural rule follower" but that you're unhealthily anxious about the consequences of not following them It's not necessarily your personality that you should change but the way you tackle your own anxieties. The Church has historically been pretty heavy on guilt and punishment, which is probably why you're so focused on following rules. Even though they come from an authority you don't value anymore, you've probably internalised the guilt and your defense mechanism is to avoid triggering it. and that's something you can learn to change. The problem isn't your personality but how you react to the world around you. also for what it's worth, I reckon the whole bit about homosexuality being a sin and all that jazz was not a part Christianity originally but has been added later (copyist monks, political agendas and all that). So if the Catholic God exists, being gay shouldn't lead to eternal damnation. Live a life of kindness and you should be just fine on that hand.
@Aeolia I think you are right in that I’ve kind of internalized the guilt and never questioned it from a “birds-eye” point of view. I feel like now that I’ve gotten my mind out of the middle of the cult, I can see that Catholicism is a belief that my family may have ascribed to but I don’t have to. I’ve thought a lot about what my ideal belief system would include and that would entail the concept of “harm”. We can objectively measure how an action hurts someone else and the psychological/physical impact of a certain action. Maybe I can view being gay as a good thing because it is forcing me to think in a more philosophical manner. I think if I were to “wipe out” the Catholic Church as an authority from my mind, I can feel peace inside and develop my own sense of reality. Thank you guys for pointing the guilt out to me, it really helped.
I was raised Catholic too. The Catholic guilt is a real and vicious thing. Like others have said, it isn’t so much about changing your personality as it is recognizing how the things you’ve learned in the past are affecting your present. You might find some comfort in considering the way Catholics have twisted the Bible to suit their needs. For instance, Sodom wasn’t destroyed because of sodomy. No one wants to talk about the clear incompatibility between the homophobia added to the Old Testament and Jesus’s one rule which was “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” You might also find comfort in the idea that Catholic principles aren’t rules. They’re not laws. They are guidelines that Catholics are encouraged to follow. If you’re not Catholic, you don’t have to listen. It isn’t rule-breaking to be yourself because there’s no rule that says you can’t be.
@Aspen That’s so obvious but so true at the same time. I don’t think I was truly exposed to any other version of morality other than the Catholic point of view. For me, I am an empathetic person so if I hurt someone or make someone else feel bad, I’m going to feel remorse wether or not a god exists. I also feel deep down that I may already have a guide to what to do, even if I don’t believe there is something above me. This is so interesting as I’m typing this out.
In my view, the compulsion to follow rules stems from the need to belong to a community, and not to be ostracized from it. The rules themselves are just a means to an end - which is social belonging, and the security that comes with that. Perhaps you could ask yourself what kind of community - religious or otherwise - you wish to be part of, at this time in your life ? Clinging to incompatible ideals can easily drive one to mental illness (I too was hospitalized at one point). Your anxiety is telling you that you have to make some hard choices - but once you've made them, you'll be much healthier.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. And if you give it a little thought, it is easier to get people to follow a: law, rule or belief by fear than by reward. Necessity might be the mother of all invention, but fear is likely the father. Fear of punishment or ridicule or being kicked out is a far more powerful motivator than being nice and welcoming. The thing to remember about religion is it can and has changed to suite the beliefs of the ruling class. Kind of why there is a King James version of the bible, it says what King James wanted it to say.
I think I’m figuring out why I’m been so drawn to fear. I feel like as someone who uses a power wheelchair to get around in public, it’s a lot of internal (and sometimes external) pressure to challenge peoples’ assumptions about people with disabilities/people who identify as LGBTQ. Therefore, for a long time I probably hid to avoid any confrontation or the need to explain myself to other people. Going back to the original topic, I am realizing that holding onto belief systems that no longer serve me will help me get better. There’s a chess group that I go to every Friday night and I’m slowly getting to know people. It’s weird because I’ll be sitting in my pink wheelchair with my hair partially dyed blonde and nobody really questions anything. Sometimes they ask what my pronouns are but other than that, nothing really comes up, I also wonder if I used to believe I had to bear children in order to “belong” to my family. Sometimes I have brief dreams of my husband and I taking my younger cousins out or being a support person for my family. I’m letting go of unhealthy expectations I placed on myself to live a meaningful life, the question I’m pondering now is what are my expectations now that there is no absolute authority above me. I value minimizing pain and using empathy to understand people, especially those who inflict pain on others. I can replace “heaven” with the idea that history will judge wether peoples’ actions are good/bad. Thank you guys for helping me figure this out, I really appreciate it
