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Newlie out, a little lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lucystar, Jan 3, 2022.

  1. Lucystar

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    I am in the process of separating from my husband as I could no longer deny my sexuality. I have buried being a lesbian from a young age, but it never felt safe to come out. I settled down, had 3 children, lived the heterosexual life. But then I met a woman who I’ve fallen head over heels in love with. I’m like a teenager again, I’m in my 40’s. Since telling my husband that I’m gay, and ending the relationship properly, I have kissed this woman a few times. She wants to take it day by day, I’m struggling to not be insecure in these uncharted waters. I am doubting my ability to be in a relationship with a woman, but this is what I really want. I’m also feeling a lot of guilt over telling my children about the separation and eventually telling them about my sexuality, there’s so much change they will need to get used to. Thanks for reading and for any thoughts you’d like to share with me.
     
  2. quebec

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    Lucystar.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help so many years ago. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! There are a number of sub-forums here on EC...why don't you check them out and then feel free to join in the conversations! In particular there is a sub-forum titled "LGBT Later on Life" if you post there I think you’ll find people who will understand what you are dealing with. This is a safe community of caring and supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. You can ask questions in any of the Sub-forums by creating a new thread or by joining in a conversation-thread that is already going. You can also post a message on anyone's Profile Page after you have made at least ten posts yourself. If you have a question that is somewhat private you can always send a Private Message to any Staff Member. Normally Private Messages can only be exchanged between two Full Members, but a PM to a Staff Member is an exception. :old_wink: We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets.
    …..David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    Congratulations on all your progress so far! It takes courage to open up to a spouse about your sexuality.

    Taking things a day at a time in your new relationship sounds like a good approach. I assume that you’ve been with your husband for some time, so any new relationship may cause you to feel a little uncertain. Have you discussed this with your girlfriend? As I am sure you know, communication is really important.

    Also, remember to be kind to yourself! You’ve got a lot going on with the separation, new living arrangements, etc. and three children to support through these changes. How old are your children? With regards to feeling guilty, it’s very hard (I’ve been in a similar situation) but keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing. If you had stayed with your husband, your mental health would have suffered and there would have been resentment between you, which is not a good environment for your children.

    Take care. :slight_smile:
     
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  4. Lucystar

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    Thank you for your kind words. I was with my husband for 11 years, married 10. My children are 16 (my husband adopted my son), a daughter 9 and another son 8. They are all autistic, as am I. You’re right my mental health was really suffering, I felt so trapped.

    I can’t really call her my girlfriend yet, we are not quite there yet. She has her own stuff going on too, you don’t get to this age without baggage do you?! We have been friends for nearly a year, but it’s been an intense friendship where the feelings have been there from the start. So she’s seen and been my support through this breakup and my coming out, she was the first person I told. She feels quite responsible for the break up and awkward about that. I’ve tried to reassure her that it isn’t her fault, I’m gay, at some point that would have had to have come out. She’s also in the middle of a house move. I think we both need the ground to settle a little before moving things along any further. I also think because this is almost like a first love for me, whereas she’s had other relationships with women so this isn’t as new to her. She’s maybe handling it better. We both have children so it’s complicated to meet up and be close so it is moving very slowly, but I guess it needs to for many reasons. I am very insecure though about scaring her off and do wish I could chill out a bit. It might end up being just a friendship, although I don’t know how with the attraction. She seems to consume my every thought.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    It sounds like you’re taking a realistic and sensible approach, even if it feels differently. You seem sure and confident in that you’ve made the decision to leave your marriage for yourself, rather than for the possibility of this new relationship, which is a healthy approach. Overall, it sounds like you are handling things really well.

    What makes you think that you may scare her away?
     
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  6. Lucystar

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    I saw a counsellor to ensure I was separating out the issues in my own mind. There were many reasons not just my sexuality or this special person, there were control issues.
    I feel like I could be too needy and full on I guess. I’ve heard a few people say now that coming out is a bit like going through puberty again, that’s how it feels for me. I’ve spent many many years thinking I have a low libido (sorry if tmi), but it’s just that I wasn’t interested in men. Now I’m just ready to embrace everything, emotionally, mentally, physically. My attraction to this special person is unreal and was instant. I need to calm down a bit but I can’t seem to. Thank you for saying you think I’m handling things well, as I am finding it hard to see myself as doing that. I can’t seem to focus on anything else, work, studies etc.
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s great that you’ve seen a counsellor. I was in therapy whilst I was going through the process of leaving my ex and it was helpful.

    Hopefully it will calm and settle with time. I know that when I was questioning and going through the process of leaving my ex, I had very little head space for anything else and things certainly felt very unstable. I think my work suffered as a result, and that was without another person to consider.

    How far along the separation process are you? As things progressed for me, I felt more and more in control.
     
  8. Lucystar

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    That’s good to know I’m not the only one to have no head space. I have definitely felt out of control. I am usually able to find focus to get the things done which I need to, but that’s been impossible since meeting her and getting this process started. My work and studies are suffering too. So my husband has found a place, but he still stays here most of the time (he’s had the place maybe 2 weeks). The kids therefore don’t know anything. He wants to do things very gradually with the kids, which I am partly on board with. But I also feel at some point we need to be quite clear about the fact we are separating. I don’t want them to be left in any confusion or having to guess at what’s going on. I will be seeing a counsellor again as soon as I can (money has been prohibitive with this) because it gave me room to act out how we might tell the children. I think he is slowing down the transition in a way for himself, he doesn’t want this change really, although he now accepts I cannot be with him, or make him happy.
     
  9. Lucystar

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    We have slept in separate bedrooms for quite a while anyway. But they may have noticed we are now in no way intimate with eachother whereas before there were lots of hugs and kisses
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    I agree that clarity is better for the children, and with their ages, they may already suspect something. I hope that your therapist can help you with planning what you’ll say to them and that you can work together with your (ex) husband.

    It’s worth keeping in mind that there’s no one right way to approach this. I have known of couples who have co-parented in the same house, but lived separately otherwise. At the other end, my daughter had very little warning that my and ex I were separating, and she’s coped fine. It really depends on what works best for your children and the situation.

    It sounds like you’re handling things well and making considered decisions. :slight_smile:
     
  11. Lucystar

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    Thank you for all the helpful advice. It’s so nice to speak with someone whose been through this. I’m so glad your daughter coped well with it.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC, I have never been in your position but I can see that @LostInDaydreams has been giving you some really great advice. I do know how overwhelming coming out can be and how it can be like a second puberty so I totally get that and EC is such a great resource I am sure we can help you through it :slight_smile:
     
  13. LostInDaydreams

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    You’re welcome. :slight_smile:

    Feel free to keep posting with any questions or just to vent.
     
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  14. Lucystar

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    Thank you for the support. I found puberty just as hard the first time! I’m really struggling to navigate this
     
  15. silverhalo

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    If you had to pick one thing what do you think is the thing that you are most struggling with?
     
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  16. Lucystar

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    My feelings for the woman I am in love with. And not feeling sure about how she feels. I don’t think we are in the same place with feelings. She’s not committed or promised anything to me so I’ve no right to feel put out. The only thing she’s said is that we need to take things a day at a time and that she isn’t kissing anybody else and that I should relax. Does that mean we are exclusive. This part was easier with men lol. I’ve been trapped in the closet so long that now I’m out I’m really impatient to explore. And I am so attracted to her that not being more intimate with her is driving me crazy.
     
  17. silverhalo

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    I can understand why you are finding that difficult. How long have you had any kind of relationship with her? Is she out to everyone? Has she been in relationships with women before? Do you feel that you can have open conversations with her about where you are both at? Sorry I realise I have just bombarded you with a whole load of questions.