New here

Hey there. Gay guy in his 30s here. You shouldn't feel like you're the only one facing this situation; if you look at the LGBT Later In Life subforum you'll see there are quite a few stories of guys realizing they are gay after marriage to a woman and kids. As to rather you are gay...well, only you can say for certain but things like all your fantasies being about men is a pretty strong indicator. People seem to think this is a much better indicator or your orientation than say what kind of porn you watch. I understand about feeling you can't come out because people make you feel wrong to be you. I did start coming out in my late teens but it still took me several years until my early 20s to be confident enough to be out to the world. I don't have much advice to offer about your family situation, unfortunately. I know it must be hard. I'm sorry I don't have more advice but I'm here if you ever need to talk.

 

Whoops, I meant *as to whether you are gay

 

Welcome to EC.

This is nowhere near unique. I was also raised in that situation as were many people.

Again not unique. Due to compulsory heteronormativity many LGBT+ people get into socially acceptable situations rather than living our true stories. With me it was my gender identity and despite trying more than once to live as my true self I got into two heteronormative marriages and only came to live permanently as my true self in my 40s.

The first on is more indicative than anything else that you have talked about. If all of your fantasies are about you with another man this would seem to indicate that you are not straight. Depending on the nature of the erotic stories (if they are all about gay men) they could also. Caring about your appearance has nothing to do with your orientation.

This is not really indicative either, plenty of straight men are into pegging, the prostate has nerve endings no matter what your orientation is.

This is another indication that you might be either gay or bisexual.

What you need to consider now is where do you go from here? If you really are gay is it fair to your wife to have her stay in a relationship with someone who would really prefer to be with someone totally different than she is? Would it be better for both of you to open the relationship or to just end it? If you are staying in a bad fit relationship "for the children" you need to consider that it would be better for the children to have two well adjusted and happy parents who are apart than it is to have two unhappy parents who are together. If you are staying in the relationship because ending things hurts then you need to consider that a lifetime wasted spent pretending to be someone you are not hurts less day by day but much more when totaled up.