Hi just wanted to post on this as i haven't in a while to anybody who doesnt know i have been questioning sexuality past 4 years and have broke down to partner several times. Have gone on meds past year or so and that has helped as i have not cried in about a year or so. I feel the meds numb me to anything and i find i literally dont want to do anything at all other then smoke weed all day. I know im in a bad place and have said to myself i will go to therapy im also delusional as i feel as if therapy will make the gay go away. Im so stupid. Anyway thanks for listening if theres anyone out there struggling in the closet. Im tired.
Hi there! It's good that you have posted. One thing I would suggest is that you try speaking with a therapist/counsellor to start working on things. Therapy will not change your sexual orientation but it could help you to understanding yourself further, working towards accepting yourself. This in turn could also help you to find yourself in a better place. (*hug*)
listen man. you know more than me but i’ve read through all your posts. you say you’re worried you’re gay but have no desire to have sex with men or pursue men. the amount of anxiety that comes with that and the incessant doubting and questioning sounds incredibly like ocd. read through some of my posts. i have ocd based around my sexuality. i experience very similar doubts despite no sexual attraction to males. honestly you don’t sound gay to me. but you know more than me
@Mirko i appreciate the response. Sorry its kind of hard to reply, but i got a chance now too. Its something i keep saying but also quite difficult to make a commitment to go and pay on a weekly basis. I feel like your probabltly right just accept it. @masterofnone i read alot of your posts and yes you probably have some HOCD but also we cannot just blame it on that, thats what im not sure about differentiating between actively denying your gay or constant chatter in your head all day. first thing in the morning saying your gay in your head, trying to work getting worked up with thoughts and doubts to do about being gay not genuine sexual thoughts about the same sex. do you not feel yourself personally like why is this sticking in our minds there must be a reason and i know that sounds mad but is this internalised homophobia ?
It's up to you of course, but for a start you might want to consider quitting it. Believe me, I've used dope and alcohol most of my life trying to run from myself but guess what : it doesn't help. On the contrary. A blurred mind, is a messed mind.
I'd say it's not so much about 'just accepting it', but becoming comfortable with yourself, which will lead to self-acceptance. It sounds like you have been fighting it for a few years creating more distress for yourself. Your first goal is to become okay with your sexuality, and that will require you to be also open to it and allow yourself to explore it.
I think thats exactly how ocd works, being obsessive, i know its kind weird, but obsession works just like that, is just like an obsession to look if the door is closed, but with sexuality, you say you get bombarded with thoughts about being gay or not, even without wanting, this seems pretty much intrusive, and thats when the ocd works. I think the difference between denial and ocd is, most od the times someone in denial knows hes attracted to the same gender, there are ppl who dont know they were attracted, actually never noticed, but it was always there, the thing of ocd is that you try everything to disprove that youre gay, so you are aware about gay and everything. But you try to get aroused but dont get. I think thats the difference.
Hi peeps thanks for the responses. @Mirko it is causing me distress its like a low level depression i have had for years i suppose i wasnt that much in my head before this occured about 4 years ago it was like i had a thought or realisation/epiphany that i was gay and it has been the worst anxiety i have ever had in my mind ever since. I thought i would have an urge to have sex with the same gender which would then point to me being gay. But its not its all mental if that makes sense. All in my mind Nothing has compared to this in my life since this moment. @Ludo yes i should quit funny enough the last time i quit for 9 months or 10 was when i broke down to gf it was like an episode almost and i was anxious to smoke weed so i gave it up. I could do with cutting down severely i dont drink so pot is my thing but lately i just feel it has fucked me up drastically since smoking it since im 16. Every day apart from that break of 10 months. Im only 26 now like. I thought that would of brought me back to reality when i gave up that time and thought the questioning sexuality had something to do with smoking pot constantly, but it didnt.
I think you could really benefit from speaking with a counsellor. You might not need to go every week but it would be good to start being able to speak with someone who could provide you with insights and strategies to start working on understanding yourself more as well as address the root causes of the depression. I would suggest trying to find someone who has an expertise or interest in the issues that LGBTQ+ persons can face. Some might even be willing to meet with you virtually, if they are not located within your geographic area and some will provide sessions on a sliding scale.
i do have ocd, i’m diagnosed. but yes if that’s the first thing that pops into your head and you’re thinking about whether or not you’re gay all day despite no same sex attraction (from your posts it doesn’t seem you have any) id say it’s highly likely you have ocd and are straight. but guess what? you’re going to doubt even that. ocd is the doubting disease. you’d be surprised how many peoples ocd centers around sexuality. im not denying anything, in fact i’ve tried accepting myself as “gay” but everytime i do that i see a hot girl and without a conscious thought i think “i want to fuck them” this has never happened with me with a guy. the reason why these thoughts get stuck in our heads is because they are ego dystonic which means they go against our core values, desires and true self, then we try to analyse the thought by saying “what does this mean? is this true? etc.” it goes on and on because you cannot disprove a hypothetical.
@Confused25 then cut down, or stop completely. Accepting yourself starts with no longer numbing your feelings.
