Hello all. I have been wanting to come out to my mom (who I live with) for several years now. I’m very close to her and feel so guilty for keeping it from her for so long. But of course I have a reason for doing so. She happens to be a very close minded transphobic/LGBT-phobic person. The reason I want to tell her now is because both her health and mine are suffering at the moment. My mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time last December and she just has her mastectomy about 10 days ago. So of course I don’t want to stress her out further. But my mental and physical health both have not been the best either. I have an extensive medical history and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be seeing specialists for the rest of my life, but right now, there’s been some pretty rough patches internally that I’ve been dealing with (not going to go into detail for the safety and privacy of myself). Anyway, I’m not financially stable right now, so I can’t exactly move out any time soon. I can’t even work right now because I’m too sick to do so. But at the same time holding this in isn’t helping either. I know she won’t be happy, but perhaps in time she will learn to tolerate me? I’m not sure? I’m scared of being kicked out and having nowhere to go, but I’m also scared of this weighing on me both physically and mentally. Thank you all for listening, Percy.
Unfortunately, I think this reality has to be your #1 consideration, for the time being. I can't tell how stable your mother is right now, and neither can you. Breast surgery and physical loss could burden her with depression. By coming out (assuming she doesn't already know), you would be destabilizing her world even further. You can't predict how she will react. You say you're already out to everyone but family, so the following suggestion might not go very far. Is there some other way for you to obtain the psychological reward of coming out, without involving your mother ? As LGBTs we tell our truths because we need recognition of who we are. Can you seek alternative sources of that validation, at least until your mother has more time to recover from surgery ? On this forum you'll find many like minded people. Tell us more about yourself and it might help you get through this, one day at a time.
Hi Percy, I am really sorry you are going through all of this- it sounds very difficult! But I just want to start off by telling you that I am proud of you for reaching out. As said above, I agree that reality has to be your main consideration for the time being, but do you have any other family or friends you could stay with? Maybe that would be an option? Or as said above, is there anybody else you could come out to without involving your mother? It may help until you are able to come out to her. There are so many lovely people on this forum who would love to help you, I would love to help you too if I can in any way. Good luck x
I'd recommend waiting until you're in a safe place to come out. I know it's frustrating to have to suppress that information, especially when it causes you dysphoria and angst...but you're well being comes first. We are here to support you every step of the way. Take your time. I pray to Ra, that your mother will be receptive when you do come out...but consider your options and play it safe. Hope this helps some.
You know your Mom and I think that you have a good idea of where she is at with regards to her own struggles. It seems to me that you are very mindful of this. Even with your own struggles she is ultimately the one you want to come out to. Its true as other comments that keeping your self in a safe place "mentally and physically" is important for all of us.. and specifically with regards to the fears you are experiencing. I was thinking about what options you have without jeopardizing your relationship with your Mom and would like to present a small idea.. I don't know if it would work in your situation, it did in mine. Start slowly introducing LGBT in a subtitle way, so your Mom can slowly climatize to the idea that you are pro LGBT. I found that when you come out the initial shock would not that big and it becomes more of an aha moment.. the problem with it is that it does take a bit of time. Some times parents can surprise us, especially when they start seeing small changes that is important to their kids. We had a conversation on EC the other day about generation gaps and the effect it has on the language we use, also the difficulty of changing perception. As stated above, I found that EC does give you some support structure and I think there are many peeps here that can support you trough the process.
Coming out to someone who is known to be transphobic or LGBT-phobic can be a tough and scary thing to do. Understandably, you are worried about the potential consequences of coming out to your mom, especially considering the difficult situation you are both facing with her recent breast cancer diagnosis and your health challenges. It's important to prioritize your health and well-being, but you also deserve to live authentically and be true to yourself. One option may be to consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor who can help you navigate this difficult situation and guide you on coming out to your mom. They may also be able to help you explore potential resources and support networks if you do need to leave home for your safety. Regarding coming out to your mom, it's important to approach the conversation with caution and care. Perhaps consider starting with small discussions to gauge her reactions and attitudes towards the LGBTQ+ community. You may also want to have resources and information ready to share with her, such as articles or books that can help her better understand what it means to be transgender or non-binary. It's important to remember that her initial reaction may not be positive, but with time and education, people can change their attitudes and become more accepting. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your safety and well-being in this situation. If you feel that coming out to your mom could put you in danger, it may be best to wait until you are in a more stable situation or seek support from a therapist or counsellor who can help you navigate this difficult situation.
It is common for women to go through a grieving process after such a traumatic event as the loss of breast or breasts. Regardless of how you might come to tell her, and her potential reaction to the news, you should probably give her the time to emotionally recover from her surgery. This will also give you some time to formulate an exit strategy if she doesn't take the news well. While we can hope for the best case scenario, we should always have a backup plan. I sorta doubt she would kick you out though, but we are all prone to irrational emotional decisions, so one never knows for sure.
Percy.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here. I hope that you'll find good things here too! In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: FtM: Alex Bertie, Jammidodger, Noah Finnce, Luke Wale, Sam Collins, Ty Turner, Dakota Aspen. You have to be the one who decides when it's the right time to come out to your mother. No one else can do it. You don't have to be in a rush and sometimes waiting can be a good choice. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your mom. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality, perhaps for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your mom and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're trans?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: Dear [parent], This letter is a bit difficult for me to write, but I feel that it is important for me to write it. There is something I have been carrying inside of myself for some time now, and I now feel ready to come to you with it. I am transgender. Specifically, I identify as [insert gender identity here], which means that I [insert either the proper definition of your gender, or the most easily understood explanation for your gender identity that you feel they will understand (i.e. “I feel like a girl on the inside.”)]. I know this may be a bit difficult to understand at first, and it may be very new to you, but it is something I have known for some time. I trust you with this information about who I am, and I would like if in return that you start calling me by my chosen name, which is [if applicable, here], and using my pronouns, which are [here]. I plan to [insert aspects of social transition you plan to pursue here, such as changes to your presentation. If you plan to pursue a medical transition in the near future, such as hormone replacement therapy or surgery, you may mention this here, too.] This is to help me feel more at home in my body as well as the world, and it’s a feeling I hope that you can understand. I’m still your child, with the same likes and dislikes – I’ll just be living more authentically as the true me. And I know that you may have some slip-ups calling me [Name] or using [pronouns] at first, and that is okay. I would just like to know that you are trying your best to learn, understand, and support me. If you do slip-up, you do not have to make a big deal out of it. Correcting yourself is enough for me to see that you care about and respect who I am. If you have questions, I want to talk about them and help answer them. I also understand you may want to speak with other parents of trans children to learn more. There are plenty of resources for parents and families in person and online, and I am happy to show you some of them. Thank you for your understanding and your support, [Your name] Dear Friends and Family, For months, I have wrestled how best to address speculation concerning a major change in my life. To most of you, this will come as a shock. It is not my intent. However, there really is no other way to convey what I’m dealt with, why I sought help, and what has taken place. It has taken many rewrites, prayer, thought, knowing what I’m about to share, will be controversial for some and difficult for most to digest. However, I felt it was needed in order to close out this chapter not leaving you speculating. From the outside looking in, I suspect one would have thought I lived the good life. In many ways I did. However, in many others, this was not the case. They say, never judge a book by its cover. Well, in my case, you were just seeing the cover. Inside was something much different. Much like a tsunami coming ashore without warning, so too was my life, shattering dreams, hopes, promises and expectations. No one knew the internal struggle, nor the pain I have lived with most of my life, including my own family. Deep inside, I was hurting but could not tell anyone out of fear of rejection. In short, my brain does not; has not; nor ever will; identify with my anatomical sex assigned at birth. The diagnosis is “Gender Dysphoria.” Unlike most medical conditions, you can’t see what I have. Ultrasounds cannot measure it, MRI’s cannot scan it, and blood work cannot identify it. Confirmation of diagnosis is through relief of symptoms found though medical intervention. Just like most diseases or birth defects, there is no clear cause. They say the hardest step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one. I had one, but I couldn’t face it. Time and time again, throughout my life I tried to run from it, but it wasn’t going away. Since early childhood, I tried to mirror my behavior like that of my father and other male role models, thinking my actions would ultimately program my thinking. It was a false assumption, but for a child I knew no better. This carried over into adult life as well, thinking if I just overcome the next hurdle; sooner or later, my brain would be normal. I prayed it away, suppressed it, joined accountability groups but nothing changed. My brain could not relate to men, yet I kept going through the motions, playing a role so that I could be accepted. Over time, it has taken a toll on me to the point I was beginning to check out on life. I spent a considerable amount of time studying “Gender Dysphoria,” seeking answers to what I was living with. Endocrinologists, psychologists and other experts in these fields gave me insight as to why I was suffering. In short, I was told this was biological in nature, and nothing could be done to change it. Popular belief outside of the medical community holds that people with “Gender Dysphoria” are “Gender Confused.” This is far from the truth. No one would choose to undergo a drastic change, being “Confused.” We are born with it and is inherent with us from our earliest recollection. Within weeks of beginning hormone drugs, the anxiety I lived with most of my adult life began to fade. Never before, had I felt such comfort. The need to focus on concentrating was no longer there. The war going on inside my brain was subsiding to the point of tranquility. No amount of therapy, suppression or mind altering games, could provide such a relief. To you, my friends and family who are reading the news for the first time, I am sorry if this has hurt you in any way. It was never my intent. You are receiving this letter because you have impacted my life in some way, and I will forever be indebted to you. Although my heart and desire is to remain your friend, I recognize to some this may not be the case. I am okay with that. However, I want you to know, you will always have a special place in my heart and I will treasure the memories. *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
