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My Story, so far...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by KOP2020, Jan 7, 2021.

  1. KOP2020

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    I wasn't sure where to post this, in general or Later in Life.

    On December 29th 2020, around 9am, My wife of 22 years and I were having our usual morning coffee and watching a video talk on relationships, and the speaker was talking about being honest with our true emotions and how on the planet, a lot of ‘Heterosexual’ males would never admit if they have felt an attraction to another male. Looking back, we are not really sure why, but at that moment, my wife paused the video and asked me, “Is that how you feel?”. I immediately burst into tears. She then said, “do you think you are gay?” Still crying, I answered “yes”.

    She said the emotional reaction on my face, was more authentic and emotional than she had ever seen. Since that moment we have talked and cried and talked and cried.

    I was born and raised in a home and cultural environment where being gay was simply NOT something you wanted to be. I was raised and trained to be heterosexual and I have always believed without any doubt that I was straight.

    Now that I look back over the years, I can see many signs during my life, that perhaps I was gay, but I would pass them off as ‘wow, that was weird’ or self-justify them as being ‘normal’.

    On and since December 29th, the feeling of relief has been overwhelming. The weight of the world had been lifted from me. The 24/7 chatter and total confusion in my head, to support convincing myself I am straight, has all stopped, leaving a peace and quiet I never thought possible. For the first time in my adult life, I actually feel who ‘I’ am, no more facade, no more pretending.

    I have thought many times in the last few days, “oh wow, I don’t have to do this anymore, or that anymore, or think this or think that, or be this way or that way.” And the other day, for the first time in my life, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t feel the usual underlying hate and loathing.

    On one hand, I am excited to start learning about the real me and who I am, and starting from a point of truth, not from the façade. But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of the reactions this will bring.

    I have come to realize that I have spent at least the last 50 years, 24/7, at a high level of OCD, determined to convince myself that I am straight, this has left me deeply exhausted, deeply sad, and angry. Since December 29th, most of this sadness and anger has melted away.

    I am not currently interested in dating or experimenting or anything like that. I feel like my whole being is in a state of rest and recovery from the last 50 years of hammering myself into the ground, and I want to let the healing take as long as it needs, even if it is years, decades, it doesn’t matter.

    The biggest love and support in my life is my wife. We are still going to live together, we hug, we talk, we cry, we love each other, respect each other and we support each other. And of course, without her, none of this is possible.

    Our best friends happen to be a Lesbian couple, and yesterday I came out to them, which was a positive experience and will be wonderful to have their support for both of us.

    As each day goes by, it feels more and more comfortable and real.


    Any comments, advice on what to do next, what to expect, anything at all, would be great.
     
  2. quebec

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    KOP2020.....Hello and a great big welcome to Empty Closets....AND let me be one of the first to say "Welcome to our wonderful LGBTQ+ Family!" I had a somewhat similar experience on December 25, 2014, and made my first post here on Empty Closets. At that time I was broken and begging for help. The wonderful people here on EC were there for me that night and I want to let you know that we are here for you now. Check out all of the subforums and feel free to join in. Don't hesitate to ask questions. We'll do our best to help and support you and to offer a shoulder whenever you need it! We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! Please keep us updated on how things work out...we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. Lemony

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    Welcome to EC! :grinning:

    So proud of you.
    Beautiful how supportive your wife is! :hearts:

    The fact you feel that you are yourself is pure magical. Again welcome to EC!
     
  4. old tacoma

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    Wow! Your post! If only I ......
     
  5. KOP2020

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    Thank you for the welcome!
     
  6. KOP2020

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    thank you, my wife is an amazing women indeed and the peace I feel inside is beyond words
     
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  7. BradThePug

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    Welcome to the site! It is awesome that your wife is being so supportive of you! It is truly amazing how good it feels to finally be able to be yourself. That weight that comes off your shoulders is truly an amazing feeling.
     
  8. KOP2020

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    Thanks!
     
  9. johndeere3020

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    Welcome to EC! You have found a place of support and NEVER have to feel alone or isolated again. Congratulations on your courage. I too know from experience that it took every ounce of strength that you could muster to admit that that you were different. The truth will set your mind free. My wife and I are still together even though she now knows that I am bi. She is still my best friend and lover.

    Struggles, I still have them. I look at the young people today, some of them are able to be so open about who they are. Sometimes it makes me angry, sometimes depressed. Try not to fall into that trap.

    Life is so much better now and it will be for you as well!

    Dean
     
  10. KOP2020

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    Thank you Dean, that means a lot.
     
  11. Rin311

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    Your story is another beautiful proof of the good that happens when we get in touch with our real selves rather than trying to lie to ourselves and to everyone around us. This lie makes it feel/seem as if we've done something wrong, or there's something wrong about us, there's something we should hide and be ashamed of. But there isn't, really... there's nothing wrong with being gay. And I'm really happy your wife understands that too. Take care.
     
  12. KOP2020

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    Thank you, I couldn't agree more!
     
  13. old tacoma

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    My wife is much different.
     
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  14. KOP2020

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    Sorry to hear that. I do realize that I am very lucky and probably in the small percentage range.