I posted this as a reply to try to help someone but I thought maybe it would help others here too! My names James first off because a name to some words makes it more human I think! I’m 54 and in my late teens and early 20’s I messed around with lads and then because in a small town, back then, gay wasn’t really done I cracked on with a ‘normal’ life, I went out with girls, eventually met my wife and we got married, had three beautiful girls and were married and still are, for 23years. I’ve always known, hidden and suppressed for sure but always know that it was men for me! Covid came and lockdown and the time to think as we were all confined and all that came out. Until last year I managed to keep it in but my work was so stressful, life was just too much and I couldn’t hold it in any more. I knew I had to tell my wife to be fair to her and me. Our sex life had become nonexistent because I just felt so much guilt with those other thoughts going through my head. I told a couple of friends in the week leading up to me telling my wife, a test drive if you like of what was to come. They were really shocked, I’m a bloke, never shown any signs and they were really shocked. Telling my wife was the most awful experience of my life! Her world changed in one evening and she is the most amazing person ever, she didn’t deserve that but neither did she deserve to be lied to or me to cheat on her, which would certainly have happened if I’d not been honest. I said my wife is amazing, but she is extraordinary, I can’t tell you the capacity of this woman, to be able to process, to manage, she is just incredible! The days that followed were horrible as she processed all I told her. But I and we wanted to tell our girls. They are 15, 17, 21 so grown but we have been the perfect family, really this is what everyone has ever said. We told them a few nights later and it was hard and horrible, full of confusion and questions. So I moved out after a couple of weeks because for our youngest, parents that separated didn’t live together and she needed that clarity, I guess we all did. This all happened last August, so now as I write this it’s the last day of January. We’ve found a system, a new way of life. My wife will always be my best friend and I hers. There have been some tough days/ weeks but she is seeing there is a life for her and I am there, financially and as a partner and Dad. With the girls it’s been easier, nothing has changed as a family for us, we are still strong, we all do things together. Each week we eat together, all of us, the girls come and visit, we have coffee in the week, I message my wife and she to me each day, we talk like before. For me, life is lonely at the moment. I’ve invested my time to make sure my family is safe and as happy as possible but I need to give some attention to me now because why do all of this and then do nothing for me? I every day regret telling them, hanging everything, breaking my beautiful family but then in the same instant I remember I like men! I see a psychologist and this has been an amazing thing and I can’t recommend enough. Ultimately you have to be true to you and your heart, there’s no replay in this life. Be the best version of you possible is what I believe and I’m a better version of me now for my family and eventually I hope for me.
This is really inspiring. I'm sure many people on here--especially those coming out later in life, like you--will find comfort and hope in reading your account. However difficult it was when you first came out, and however many obstacles still lay ahead, you made the right choice--and it's so, so encouraging to hear your family unit still maintains its strength throughout this process. I hope things get easier for you all with time, and that you're able to find what/who you need to be happy.
James , this is an inspiring story. I do feel for you. I have also come out in the last year. I was married but have realised for years that I am gay and my need to express my sexuality began to overwhelm me. I did embark on a relationship with a gay guy and I realised then that I just could not go on as I was. The emotional sexual and romantic high that I got from being with my BF was so amazing that I knew that I had to live openly as a gay man. So I came out to my wife and she was very understanding. We agreed that the right course was to separate and although the path has not always been easy we have both come through it and I now find living as an openly gay man so exhilarating and fulfilling. I wish you all the very best and admire what you have done.
Reading this, it seems there is hope that things could work out and it made me think ... am I the culprit... wanting my bread buttered on both sides? I have to take a hard look at what direction I am taking. Listening to myself the last couple of weeks I found there is a trend.. maybe just me trying to figure things out... fleshing out these feelings... venting .. maybe(appologies for that though). Anyway, your stories did just that, made me think of where I am and where I want to go. It is scary, and to be honest, I don't know. After coming out to the wife things turned weird, she ignores it, it never happened , and I think about it constantly. Looking at it now, that is probably creating this out of balance feeling and I need a way to correct it, in some or other way. Was it the right option to tell her... thoughts going through my mind... been living a lie for almost 3 decades, would a couple more made a difference? I can only hope that this chapter in my life can turn out as positive as yours...
Jimbow thank you so much or sharing your story with us. Like others say above, it’s very inspiring. Like you I shared my story with my wife and she’s gone pretty much silent about it. We’re in our 70’s and don’t know where our marriage is going. My guess is a slow moving divorce. I certainly wish you the best!
