So my mom finally mentioned me being gay for the first time since I came out. At first I thought she was maybe coming around and was going to okay with it. But of course that was too much to ask and I was quickly proven wrong. I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week and I was talking to her earlier and she mentioned that if I'd stop being gay she'd buy me a new Mercedes or BMW. WTF?!?!?! I was pretty shocked and just told her nothing will make me straight and that I don't need a new car, mine is perfectly fine and hung up. So I've been dreading going home for a while now and now I'm looking forward to it even less. It's going to be awkward and I'll likely hear a lot about how I shouldn't be gay. I've even considered not going home for Thanksgiving and going to my godparents instead, though that'll just piss her off even more, so I'll probably go home. She's started sending me emails with links to car ads telling me to think about what she said. Ugh!!! This woman is going to drive me crazy. Doesn't she get that I can't change my sexuality, until I came out she didn't think it was a choice. I'm also getting a bit tired of her materialism and her thinking that money can fix everything. Though I guess this could be considered the bargaining stage, so progress from denial.
To be honest I really think she doesn't think it is a choice she is like you said bargaining. She is seeing if anything can turn you straight. And honestly she is just having a really hard time accepting you. She will come around some day but until then she is gonna keep trying to find new ways to turn you straight.
I'm sure she'll come around eventually, just continue to be confident and assert yourself. It sounds like she cares about you and I'm sure she'll soon realize the best thing she can do is accept your sexuality
Oh my, that's pretty awful. And kind of silly, get a new car in exchange for changing your sexuality? What would you have to do to prove you've turned straight? Hopefully you are right and this is just a stage on the way to true acceptance. At least she is acknowledging your sexuality now, I suppose. But the holidays can be rough, I know, having to see all relatives and such who might not be aware of or accepting of your sexuality, and having to maneuver that minefield. But here's a hug, hopefully we can all get through this together... (*hug*)
Ok, I am going to be the harsh one here I guess. Alright, if my parents said something like that to me, there is no way in hell I would go home for thanksgiving. Sure it would piss her off more, but you know... You have a right to be pissed off too! This is your life and who you are that is in question. You can't be bargained out of something that was never your choice to begin with!! You know that, you said that, I am just restating it. Not going home for thanksgiving, especially if you have a good backup option, is an excellent statement. It sends several messages: First and foremost is that you take this very seriously, it is not something you take lightly at all, and that you are hurt by this flagrant and rude bribery on your Mom's part. Second, it shows that you have somewhere else to go, in a sense it sends the message that while you want your parent's approval; you are an adult and don't need it. Last, it shows that you will not tolerate this kind of thing in the future... Because you don't have to! Welcome to adulthood, it's a bitch, but it's pretty awesome too. Sorry to be harsh here, but what your Mom said to you was hurtful and cruel. I would hug you if I could, so sorry buddy... Be well, and keep us informed, The Seeker ---------- Post added 17th Nov 2012 at 06:19 PM ---------- Also, are you out to your godparents? If you think they would take it well, tell them and add that's why you can't come home for thanksgiving. I bet you can find some good support there. Also, if that doesn't work either, then I bet you some of your college buddies are having some T-days of their own. The best thanksgivings I have spent have been with my peers. also, a hug: (*hug*)
I came out first to my dad and he did not mention it for like a year or two same as my mom. It was a very long time and the whole time I thought they did not accept it but I was wrong. They did accept it they just had a hard time finding a way to bring it up. I think they also thought it would be better if I were to bring it up.
I think you're right. I think it is probably bargaining. So I'd say just gently hold firm. If I were you, before you go home, I'd send her an email, tell her that you are very happy the way you are, you couldn't change even if you wanted to, and you can't and won't, and you need her agreement that this subject is off the table (except if she wants to tell you she's OK with it) when you come home for thanksgiving, and if she can't agree to that now, you can't agree to come home. This sets a simple, clear, and reasonable boundary, and makes it clear that this sort of discussion needs to be off the table. She may not like it, but if given a choice between having you there or not having you, then you let *her* make that choice, and that way, you essentially reset the power structure.
Hmmmmm...changing one's sexuality for a car. Wouldn't that be nice IF IT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE! Because OBVIOUSLY we CHOOSE to be persecuted. I agree with TheSeeker. Perhaps if you make it clear that this is important to you and you couldn't change your sexuality if you wanted to, your mom might start to come around.
Hahaha. Sorry, I found that so funny that I had to mention it. No offense intended Cornella. But I'm sorry to hear. I'm hoping she'll accept it sooner than later. Just keep in mind that she might just be worried about your well-being because of social standards. Like for instance, she's afraid of how you'll be treated if fully out. It's just a thought of mine. She could just want whatever SEEMS best/safest for you. She's a mom; most of them just want to make sure their children okay even if they don't fully understand what their children may need/want for themselves. I hope this made at least a little sense.
That is my mom that is what she would do she would go further probably and try to buy me a house or anything to make me straight and have children and Marry the girl of her choice for a "suitable match"
well my mother threatened to kill herself if i don't change myself which would fall under the 'depression' stage of the 5 stages
Cornella93! Any updates? ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2012 at 12:03 PM ---------- God, that is terrible, I am so sorry. But honestly, your sexuality is yours, you can't change it in any way. All you can do is accept it and move on. If your Mom is threatening to kill herself over a decision that is yours alone to make, then maybe therapy is in order. Don't let any external pressure affect you accepting the truth of who you are!
Nothing really new, I responded to her emails saying that I can't change and a car won't make me straight. And in her typical fashion she called up this morning and acted like nothing happened. If something happens that she doesn't like she just pretends it never happened. It's very frustrating.
That's pretty much how denial works and unfortunately, for some people denial is a way of life. I'm sorry you're mom is behaving this way but so far, I think you're doing really well. You didn't go for a fight and you didn't step back either. You clearly told her that this is who you are and that you're not going to change, either for a car of for something else. Just keep sending that message anytime she brings up your sexuality this way. I know this isn't funny, I know having an accepting mother would be much easier and I know it's frustrating (though I'm straight, I'm having a complicated mom too ) but I'm confident things will be just fine in the end. Keep holding on (*hug*) Cécile
Take the car... Then show up to Thanksgiving with your boyfriend in it! Sorry couldn't help myself. Totally joking obviously. But in all seriousness If it was me I'd take what Chip had to say on this issue... Some good advice right there.
Well done for standing up against her! I'm sorry for you she's still in denial, but at least that'd be better then her repeating these offers? Good luck with your mom, I agree with Cécile that things'll end up fine :icon_wink
