Hi, before I say anything this is probably going to be really long, and getting help and speaking to councillors or therapists isn’t really an option for me I’m 15 and I always had the mindset that once I come out everything will be fine and a huge weight will be lifted that would help however everything seems to be getting worse and honestly I’m terrified and I’m not sure what to do, I guess this post is more just me needing somewhere to explain what is wrong out loud instead of holding everything in myself because it’s just overwhelming. i struggle to speak to people, everyone, I’ve lost so many friends because I just can’t hold a conversation and after I came out my relationship with my parents has also changed. They’re fully accepting but I struggle to embrace the fact that I’m out of the closet and I still hide everything just as if I was closeted. It hurts to know that my anxiety is destroying my relationships with everyone, I’m constantly anxious about everything, if I’m not worrying about something the best way I can describe it is like my head keeps scanning ans scanning until I find something new to be anxious about. It’s so tiring and theres been times that I’ve asked my parents for alcohol just with the hope that they will let me have enough to stop the ‘scanning’ (its legal here). I can’t help but overthink every small detail especially when it comes to my relationship with my girlfriend, she lives in another country and I can’t lose her, she’s the only thing keeping me together but every argument we have had has been caused by me overthinking something and it hurts me so much to know that it’s my fault. She’s the only person I can openly speak to however I sometimes struggle to find the motivation to speak to anyone or I will ignore her for hours because my mental state is that bad that I know I will say something bad and lose control and get angry or yell at her and I hate it so much, TW: (just this paragraph) I told her about something that happened to me a year ago or something. I was close to being stabbed by someone (I know it’s un necessary information but I just need to get it off my chest) once I told her I immediately felt bad like I’d made the story up, or over exaggerated, or maybe it never really happened, even though I know for a fact that everything I said was true I just feel as if it’s insignificant and not a big deal and like I’ve lied about something. I’m typically a high achiever in school, I try hard and make the most out of it especially because as much as I HATE my school, I like to be able to get time away from my family (things can be really stressful, I have so many unwell family members and my brother is.. severely? Autistic. I’m not sure if that’s the right word to use and I don’t want to offend anyone but i don’t really know how to explain. But anyway it can be a lot to handle and I’m often made to spend my entire home life alone in the house with him and caring for him because my parents are working. It’s a lot for me to handle as he's really difficult to work with and communicate with and I’m just not sure how much longer I can deal with everything I constantly doubt my ability to do anything. I tell myself I’m not good enough and I’m not capable enough to do something and if I do that something I feel as if I’ve betrayed myself, I feel horrible about achieving something and especially in school, if I get a good grade in an exam I hide it because I feel bad for people who didn’t. A lot of the time I just feel completely burnt out but force myself to go and continue for example studying for exams (I guess this all links to school) I get the best grades out of everyone in the end which should be a good thing right? But I force myself to work and keep studying until I’m so stressed and on the verge of tears however if I stop I’m terrified that I’m going to do badly and disappoint everyone’s high expectations of me. Theres been so many times where I’ve just thought it would be better to end it all, but I can’t because of my girlfriend, she needs me and I promised I’m not going anywhere I just don’t know how to get help so that I’m not struggling to keep that promise. i can’t talk to my parents, I’ve pushed them away so much that it’s not an option. I’ve pushed everyone away and if I feel as if someone knows too much information about me it feels invasive and I get overwhelmed and break down. I’m not really asking for help, I don’t think anyone can help but theres just a lot I wanted to try to explain and find the right works to make it all make sense. It still feels like most of what I’m feeling is missing from this but I’m just writing it in the hope that someone might take the time just to understand. Thank you..
Hi @Hyde1905 I’m sorry to hear about all this. It sounds like you have an awful lot to deal with at the moment. As soon as you are able to do so, I think that speaking to a therapist would be a good idea. In the meantime, is there anybody at school who you can talk to? I know that you’re probably not physically attending school right now, but is there a member of staff that you could reach out to? If not, keep in mind that there are a range of support services out there, such as these: https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/get-urgent-help/ When you’re feeling really low, it would be a good idea to reach out to somebody. It’s great that your parents are accepting. Habits can be hard to break when we’re really used to them. Do you think that this is something that you could work on a bit at a time? Try to be more conscious of it and hide less, little by little. Or does the thought of not hiding your identity make you anxious? Anxiety can be really exhausting. I know, I’ve suffered from it myself to greater and lesser extents over time. When you get the opportunity, it would be good to see a therapist about this. If you need space, don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s not going to help anyone. Have you explained to her that you sometimes need space? Hopefully she’ll understand that you’re not ignoring her and that you just need some time for yourself. Slightly off topic, but you say she lives in a different county...did you meet online? If so, I assume you’re confident that she is who she says she is? I regularly talked to somebody online when I was in my late teens and it turned out that they were much older than they had claimed. I’m really sorry that this happened to you. Have you had any support since? My ex was abusive and I have similar feelings when I talk to other people about some of the things that he did or said during the course of our relationship. I really doubt myself or play it down, so whilst I’m not expert, you’re not alone in having this response to trauma. My therapist has helped with this, though it’s still ongoing. If you ever are able to speak to a therapist, it would be worth discussing this incident to help you towards processing it. That must be really tough, particularly given we’re all stuck in our homes at the moment. Is this the result of lockdown and schools closing? Could you talk to your parents and explain how you’re feeling? Remember that you’re studying for yourself, not anyone else. I know that it can feel like there’s loads of pressure to do well, but try to remember that primarily comes from a place of people wanting what’s best for you. I’m sure that they wouldn’t want you to be feeling this. Also, breaks are an important part of studying. Taking no breaks can be detrimental and damaging to your mental health. If you feel like this again, have a look at the support services in the link above, or consider reaching out to a member of staff at school.
I guess the idea of my parents knowing a lot in General just makes me anxious. I don’t like it when people know a lot about me it feels kind of invasive and I get panic attacks whenever I have to speak to them and bring up anything like my relationship or sexuality My girlfriend knows about all of this, I explained as soon as I came back that day why I didn’t speak to her and she understood it but I guess I should have said beforehand that I needed space instead of just not speaking to her but I’m just scared to upset her. And yes I know she’s who she says she is, I call her every night and I’ve spoken to her parents, they know about me and I have contact with them too. I’ve never had support with what happened. It was between me and my brother, In the end I was still unharmed and there was no proof of anything, at the time I shrugged it off as nothing but I guess now I’ve had time to look back over it and think about it more I have to idea who to speak to in my school about anything snd i don’t trust it at all. My schools treats it’s students really badly and I’ve had that many bad experiences with staff that I’m really not able to trust them to speak to them. I’ll be going to college in September and I hope there will be something better there to offer support but I’m just not sure what to do in the meantime. I really struggle to speak to my parents about anything, I tried to speak to them once before ans they said I’m just being over dramatic and I just don’t have the courage to try again
I hope that college will be a much more positive experience for you. Do you feel that you need support in the meantime or will you be able to cope until September?
I guess if I stay like this until then I’ll be fine and be able to cope but I’m just scared of getting worse in the meantime
Try to do what you can to maintain it and speak to your parents if caring for your brother becomes overwhelming. If your mental health does get worse, remember that there are support services available, but I hope it won’t come to that.
