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Married but in denial...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jay91, Aug 8, 2021.

  1. Jay91

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    Hi everyone.

    I'm in my 30s (female) and a mum to one with one on the way and been with my husband 14 years.

    I've always known I've liked girls but the last few years it's been overcoming me more and more.

    a few weeks ago I met a girl online who was also married to a man but curious about her sexuality and we met up and it totally felt right... since meeting her I can't get her out of my head.

    I know I am meant to be with a women not a man, I however love my husband to bits he is the nicest man and does everything for me, but I know I am not straight, probobly not even bisexual Definatly a bigger % gay.

    I can't stop thinking of this girl and being with a girl and my head is all over the place because I could never leave my husband and break his heart and I couldn't live with out him. I also have a child and one on the way. Everything is so messed up
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    It's good that you've reached out and honestly described your feelings. In creating this thread you have made a clear statement of where you are right now and placed a kind of marker in the sand. In many ways that is your first step.

    You say you have always known you have liked girls, but also tell us that you have been with your husband for 14 years, which suggests to me that you met him quite young and never really explored the attraction to members of the same sex - until very recently. So all of the feelings you are experiencing right now are cumulative. Feelings that have been suppressed for the last 14 years are now coming to the surface as a result of meeting a girl in pretty much the same situation as you and it's causing something of a rush that's leaving you all over the place.

    The road ahead is not an easy one and I will not sugar coat that fact. You could try to bury everything again, but I really don't think that's a good idea because buried feelings still remain. We know they are there and once they have been brought into the light that's where they want to remain. I would strongly suggest you confront the issue.

    Many gay people who have been in long term relationships and marriages with the opposite sex worry about the hurt they will bring to their partner or spouse, but I would suggest it's more hurtful to continue to deceive them with a lie. Being honest doesn't mean we cease to love them, but it acknowledges the reality of where our love [for them] lies. It's more akin to the love we feel for a very close and intimate friend. With honesty comes happiness, whereas deceit brings stress, pain and detachment.

    A way forward my be relationship counselling. Relationship counselling isn't always about keeping existing relationships and marriages together, but sometimes about how best to create a new and healthy relationship that's grounded in reality, protecting the interests of all parties. In the first instance you could explain everything on a one to one basis and then talk to the counsellor about how to bring your husband into the loop. What do you think?
     
  3. Jay91

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    Thank you so much for your reply...

    yes I got with him before I was 18, didn't have the courage to say no even though when he asked me to marry him I knew deep down I didn't want to but I felt to bad to say no as he is so lovely.

    I had a few 'experiments' in my younger days with a girl... then spent 12 years of my life in a job that had ALOT of men and gay girls... I was always 'envious' of the gay girls I guess but was too ashamed to pursue that way as I got 'stuck' with my now husband and I felt ashamed to go the way with a girl.

    you are so right, all the feelings I have 'suppressed' for all these years have come to the surface and my time with the girl the other week I felt like a completly different human being, I had no regret towards my husband, I had no guilt, I had no negative feelings everything felt completly right.

    this girl has made it clear nothing will ever happen with us due to her being happily married and just wanted to explore but it doesn't make it easier, even though if she was the other way and asked me to move away with her tomorrow I would also say no as I am to scared to leave my husband and family and expecially with a child on the way.
    It's kind of like I have to now go back to living this lie I have always lived.

    I do go to therapy for other reasons and have spoke to her about it, I guess I will continue to do that.

    it's so tough as I don't want to leave my husband because it would break his heart and he is so lovely and does everything for me and looks after me and I know I couldn't live with out him.

    I just clinging on the hope when you die you come back in another life where I can live the life I desperately want to have like they 24 hours with that girl the other week... it's so tough :frowning2:
     
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  4. Ingvermama

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    I feel your pain. I am married to a man and have children, they are nearly grown up though. I have always known I fancied women but had put it to the back of my mind, it does keep coming out again though. I have recently come out to a couple of people, including my husband. I don’t have any answers to this, I’m sorry.
     
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  5. Jay91

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    I am so sorry your going through this too, it's so deliberating isn't it. Well done for coming out to your husband that's amazing. I don't think I could ever do that :frowning2:
     
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  6. Ingvermama

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    I had to come out to him, I was going to pop! Nothing has changed in the house but I do feel like being honest was the way to go. I am being true to myself by being open and proud of who I am. I also told a friend, I’m pretty sure she is bi, and she has helped me so much. Everything has a time to do it, and what is right for one person isn’t for another. You will be able to figure it out sometime.