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Married, and questioning, and feeling stuck..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TJH, Dec 23, 2021.

  1. TJH

    TJH
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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So I am married to a man, nearing 30, and a mum of two small children. Lately, I've been having strong questioning thoughts about my sexuality. What I've got so far is that I don't think I'm completely straight. I've had a sexual experience with a woman, but it didn't feel earth shattering. I've kissed a couple more and that was great (I think about it a bunch). So I just chalked it all up to being a phase I was going through as a young 20 something. But now I'm feeling like it's something more. I'm asking myself if that sexual experience was just not the right person because I have strong feelings wanting to be with a woman again. I also have strong feelings wanting to be romantically involved with a woman. I still feel like I'm attracted to my husband - not sure on men in general. Sex still feels good, but the fantasizing about women plays a large role.

    I love my husband, and I've spoken about the possibility and he has been incredibly understanding. But I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to break my family up to chase a potential. I don't know what to do and I am anxious, panicky, and confused and hoping all these thoughts about being lesbian or bisexual go away. I want to be able to live as I am with my family, but I feel like the straight cloak doesn't fit anymore and it's scary. Am I going to make it worse by not finding out? Or will it be the biggest mistake of my life? Am I just unhappy and bored? Am I just slightly queer and completely overthinking this and making myself crazy over nothing? Is it possible to keep going as I am, knowing I'm probably bisexual.. should I really be doing anything about it?

    Sorry if this is all a ramble.. I'm just looking for anyone who has been in a similar situation and can give me a little context on their own experience.. Maybe even a little advice... Thank you in advance if you're that person <3
     
    Capric1978 likes this.
  2. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

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    Hi and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’ve been in a similar situation, though my feelings towards my then partner were different. Our relationship was unhealthy and over time, I realised that I had no genuine attraction to him. This is to provide context to what I’m writing here and I am not suggesting that this is also the case for you. Only you can know your own situation. However, I can relate to your feelings and concerns about breaking up your family. I have a daughter and felt the same way, but I did eventually leave him and it was the best thing for all of us. If you have any questions, you’re welcome to ask.

    I would suggest that you take your time to think through what you want and need from here onwards. It won’t go away and it’s very hard to live a pretence. It’s great that you have been able to talk to your husband and hopefully this will help. There’s no rush to do anything.

    If you can, it may help to separate your sexuality from your marriage and consider them separately. Remove one from the equation, and then consider are you happy and fulfilled now, what do you want your future to look like, etc. Again, take your time to think things through.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Dec 23, 2021
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2021
  3. Michael

    Regular Member

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    Hello and welcome,

    There is no shame in sex or having desires, and being queer is fine, regardless if you feel bisexual or more attracted to women. The question is how you see yourself, and if you accept this part of you.
    Your sexual orientation does not influence your ability to be an excellent mom and wife. I'd be so glad if my mother came out tomorrow as (for instance) lesbian, because I know she'd be much happier, and I only wish the best for her. Also to be honest with your husband and kinds makes your bonds even stronger, since you are not hiding any 'secrets'.
    It can inspire your children as well - That being honest in life is the right thing to do, which it is.

    First you need to accept yourself though. That is a process and takes time. Don't worry if you 'panic' at first. A bit of panic (or a lot) is normal.

    Something your wrote sounds... Interesting...
    There is no 'half queer', and being Bisexual doesn't mean 'half queer'. You are either queer or you are not. And don't think of 'queer points' unless you are joking. Don't think 'but I only just ate this tiny slice of cake', and then deny having eaten any cake. You ate a slice of cake, tiny or not...

    Another point - You mentioned thinking often of women and wishing you could be with one. Since your husband is understanding of your desires, perhaps you both could talk about inviting a female partner and have an experience that might enrich your sexual lives?
    I know it sounds shocking, but you never know. Think that men tend to be more accepting of their wives wanting to be with women, than wives allowing their (bisexual) husbands bring a man to the bedroom.

    If you can't see this, then you might want to explore the idea of an open relationship. I am not sure how accepting your husband would be, just thinking of you dating (or having sex) with other women on your own. Perhaps his condition is that you only have sex with those women, not a relationship.

    A last thing - Doesn't matter what your husband thinks of it or how accepting he is. What matters is how you feel and deal with your own identity. You don't stop being a queer woman because you are married with kids. This is a common misconception, that a queer partner will stop being queer. There is nothing wrong with you, and if your husband can't deal with it, that's his problem and not yours. He has no right to deny you happiness after all. You only live once.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey it is always a tough situation to question your sexuality, especially when you are in a relationship. There is no easy way but it is great that you have already managed to be open with your husband.
    You could see a therapist to help you try and work through you thoughts and feelings. As hard as it is you have to try and separate your sexuality and your current situation. I know that might sound a bit strange but ultimately unless you figure out what all these thoughts and feelings mean then you cannot make any decisions on what it means for your husband your kids or yourself. Trying to ignore it or bury it wont work so try not to look at your sexuality as if I am gay it will destroy my family because that really wont help you.