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Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by justme22, Sep 24, 2022.

  1. justme22

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    So scared, I have never done anything like this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have always dated women but been attracted to men. I have been with my gf for 6 years but my thoughts and feelings have getting stronger for men and i am just too scared.
     
  2. Engdood1

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    I feel the same way. My feelings for men are undeniable but I’m scared. What is it that makes you afraid?
     
  3. justme22

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    My family and friends wouldn't like it
     
  4. Engdood1

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    That’s the same for me. Have you had any experiences with men?
     
  5. justme22

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    yeah i did a long time ago
     
  6. quebec

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    justme.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****
    I realize that having a GF complicates things, but if you've had these feelings for such a long time, and if they are getting stronger all the time...the odds of them going away are small and getting smaller all the time. As difficult as it is, it will be much better in the long run to tell your GF sooner rather than later. If these feelings are going to mean a breakup with your GF, then it's better for her and for you that it happens sooner. Whether you intended to "drag her along" or not, she will assume that is what you meant to do. By telling her now you will give her the chance to look for another relationship sooner. Breakups are always tough, but putting it off when you know that it is going to happen anyway just makes it worse. All of this goes for you too. If in all reality you realize that your attraction to men is getting stronger and stronger which means that eventually you will break up with your GF, then it's far better to do it now rather than drag it out. All the time that you delay telling her just means that much more time that it burns in your heart and torments you unnecessarily. It's far better to accept the reality and make the break rather than carry that emotional pain for months or even more. You've may have asked yourself why didn't this attraction to men show up stronger sooner? That way I wouldn't have ever gotten into this position in the first place. The truth is that some of us know that we are not straight very early and others, for some strange reason just don't understand those feelings and what they mean or how to deal with them until later. It just seems to be the way human beings are built! I knew early on that I was different, but then "forgot", "ignored", "blocked"...until I was in my 50's. By then I was married, three sons and grandkids which made the situation very difficult. I just think that the sooner you tell your GF and get on with your life and she with hers, in whatever way you chose as a gay man, the better off both of you will be.

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #6 quebec, Sep 24, 2022
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2022
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  7. bsg75apollo

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    I can only speak to my own experience. I've been married twice because that's what I thought you just did in life. Despite having sex same attraction I ignored it for various reasons. As time passed that hole I was in just got deeper and deeper. What I didn't realize was that I was in fact digging my own grave. The stress of denial and repression did serious damage to my health to the point of almost dying. It's hard and scary, but do what you should do. As far as friends and family not liking it, screw that. You are living your life for you and not them.
     
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  8. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @justme22.

    Can you tell us a bit more about your situation? You've mentioned that you've only dated women but are attracted to men, that that attraction is getting stronger--but are you also attracted to women, too? Or have you dated women because you thought that's what you were meant to do?

    I ask because any advice I could give would be highly dependent on your answer. If you have both opposite and same-sex attraction, then there's no reason to think that breaking up with your girlfriend is imminent, unless there other issues at play (such as you're no longer attracted/in love with her, the desire for men makes you want to break up so you can explore, or any other issue along those lines). If, however, you have no attraction to women, then it's only a matter of time before you reach a crossroads, and at this crossroads, you'll be faced with two specific choices: to either continue down the same path, hiding and repressing the part of you attracted to men and thus, opening yourself up to a slew of mental/physical health issues. Or telling your girlfriend, in which the two of you can discuss what you feel is the right course of action. Sometimes, gay men/women can remain in their opposite-sex partnerships and make it work; sometimes they can't. So if you are gay, this is something only you can truly decide. If you're bisexual, you might find yourself facing a lot of the same choices and conversations, but it also allows for a bit more wiggle room in terms of what happens moving forward.

    Regardless of whichever orientation you are, I do recommend honesty: you owe it to your girlfriend and to yourself if it's causing you this much distress, as your distress is undoubtedly having an impact on the relationship (or will eventually).

    I know it isn't easy and you're frightened, so take some time to gather your thoughts, figure out what it is you need and want, then go from there.
     
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  9. justme22

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    Not much to tell now, I talked to her and we have ended our relationship
     
  10. mnguy

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    That's gotta be rough I'm sorry. Even with all that, somehow you were able to be with some guys. It still amazes me how it just happens so much it seems for people. Since you could do that and guys like you, how did the woman get into the picture? Hope you can let her down easy?
     
  11. justme22

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    i guess i just dated women for a cover
     
  12. Contented

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    So sorry to hear, however in the long run it’s for better if your gay. You would make life miserable for both of you if you tried to fake it. Sooner or later you simply can’t anymore. Perhaps now you will have the freedom to start to explore the wonderful gay world. You might find as many of us did as you embrace being gay many of the past hetero issues disappear in the rear view mirror including the guilt and shame.
     
  13. Chip

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    What's most important is that you be happy, and it doesn't sound like you would be happy dating/in a relationship with a woman. As for your family, of course I don't know them, but what I can tell you is that an overwhelming majority of the time, it comes as a shock (especially for people that are established adults) to tell their parents/family... but most families accept it, though it is not uncommon for the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance) to come into play, and of course, that gets directed at you.

    So the main issue here is, how is it feeling for you?
     
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  14. Jakebusman

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    Have you told your feelings you have for men to your gf ? It was hard for me to come out to my wife and tell her my feelings towards guys .
     
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  15. justme22

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    yeah i told her, it sucks
     
  16. Jakebusman

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    What are you gonna do ?
     
  17. justme22

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    not sure yet, i have been talking to this guy
     
  18. justme22

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    it's been going good, he is really nice