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Losing arousal during PIV sex - now I'm confused!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SteveBi45, Aug 27, 2021.

  1. SteveBi45

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    So, I spent most of my adult life convincing myself I was straight, even though attraction to men came up occasionally (I'm now in my 40's). Then in the past 3-4 years I have come to accept that I am bisexual.

    I have an instant reaction to a beautiful woman, and find my self attracted to them. With men, most of the time I become attracted to men I know more than having a physical reaction to a good looking guy I see. From a sexual point of view, I have been married over 15 years, and sexually active with women since my early 20's. I have never been with a man, but I do own a dildo and regularly use it for masturbation - for anal penetration and also to suck when I'm fantasising about men.

    Over the years my fantasies have moved from being a mix of female and male fantasies, to being almost exclusively fantasies of being with a man - the idea of bottoming, giving oral, pleasuring and being dominated by a strong masculine man.

    For or reasons beyond sexuality, sex with my wife is limited in our current living arrangements, so recently it's been some months since we had sex. Until last weekend...

    And now is where the problem/confusion has come for me.

    When we were having sex, it took a long time for me to get an erection (never a problem until now and not a problem when masturbating). Then when I did, I just couldn't get fully aroused during the sex and thought I would never cum. In the end, I imagined I was being bottomed by a guy and focused on that alone. Then I came very quickly after that.

    So I'm posting here to see if anyone else has ever had this experience or if anyone has any thoughts on what this might mean for me?
     
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  2. staticinmyattic

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    Yup! My whole sexual life, the women I’ve been with have tried to fix the guy who seems sexually healthy and enthusiastic in all ways other than PIV. It wasn’t until re-examining my sexual past, what has worked and what hasn’t, that the pattern became obvious: I’ve always enjoyed sexual activities that are possible/practiced by 2 women, nothing that requires a man present. This has been added as evidence item #7371 that I am trans. Not saying that you are of course, just that I never knew why I loved sex, just not the type I’m “supposed” to. That is, until I knew exactly why.
     
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  3. tidalpool127

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    Hi there. Gay guy here. So I think maybe your fantasies are leaning more towards men because as you say, you've never slept with a man. So it's more enticing and exciting to think about. You don't say in your post but I'm going to assume part of the deal is you don't wish to end your marriage with your wife. So, I guess it boils down to what is your desire?

    Does your wife know you're bi? If so, then you could talk to her about maybe a threesome or a open marriage? I don't have much advice down that road as I am a monogamist myself. It would take someone like Michael B. Jordan offering a threesome with my husband and I for me to accept lol.

    If she'd be against that or you are not out to her, you could try something else. Because straight guys(though not many admit it) can like this too. Would she ever consider wearing a strap-on dildo and pegging you with it. Or if that is a bridge too far for her, maybe using a prostate massager? I prefer to be the bottom partner, so I can sympathize that being forced to always be the top as is the case for most men having heterosexual sex would not be the most fun. She'd still probably want you in that role at least some of the time but if she'd be okay with you bottoming for her that could be something to explore.
     
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  4. SteveBi45

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    Thanks for the replies. First of all, yes, I want to stay married to my wife and I’m monogamous. I’m not out to her yet, which was one of the main reasons I joined EC.

    Ive thought about pegging, but first it wouldn’t be my wife’s thing to do and second it’s more arousing for me to imagine a masculine man than a woman.

    I think what is confusing me, is that straight sex has never been a problem for me. I’ve always enjoyed it, and I’m wondering why this is changing now all of a sudden. I’m questioning my sexuality again. I don’t feel gay and I’ve been comfortable with being bi. But then I have been told by gay men in the past that I come across as gay to them. I have noticed that when I’m in the company of gay men I do become flirtatious.
     
  5. tidalpool127

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    Ehh, if you feel bisexual you are bisexual. "Gaydar" is many things but most of them are hunches. The best "proof" is when I see a guy either checking me out or other men out. But, bi guys do this too. Also, a lot of gay guys, especially if we come out when younger, will soften the blow by telling people like our parents we're bisexual. I mean I did this too(sorry). So, this leads to nasty myths that bisexual guys are just gay guys that aren't completely out yet but that is hogwash. I don't think your orientation is changing but everybody thinks the grass is always greener, right? You haven't explored that side of yourself so it makes sense it would hold an attraction.
     
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  6. Tikimon20

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    It was the same for me...I went from occasional fantasies of being with a man to only thinking of men. A few years ago I lost interest in PIV with my wife, but did not lose interest in PIA with her or fantasizing of submitting to a man. I don't think she would be too surprised if I came out to her. I long to be in an open marriage.
     
  7. masterofnone

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    i mean considering you’ve always had attraction to women and never had problems during sex i feel like this could just be some sexual dysfunction. you could see a sex therapist about it. also i do like the theory that because you haven’t been with a guy it’s kinda consuming your fantasies
     
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  8. PatrickUK

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    I think the questions about your sexuality have become more prevalent in the past year or two Steve and you've maybe begun to allow more mental space for the men on men thoughts and fantasies during that time. It's possible they have started to become predominant as you've finally accepted the reality of your sexual identity, but haven't been able to embrace or explore it in any meaningful way.

    You freely admit that your wife remains unaware of your sexuality, so maybe there was something going on in your subconscious during sex that was causing performance issues; a kind of mental block that was only relieved by zoning out and going to a different place (with a man). Is it possible that this unresolved issue within your marriage is now having an impact on your sex life?

    I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about your sexuality as a result of this. Our ability to perform is intricately connected to our thoughts and feelings, some of which we are consciously aware of and some of which are subconscious. If you were able to come out to your wife it could change some of those thought patterns and revive your sexual interest in her and with her (depending on her reaction). It could also allow for a frank and open conversation about monogamy or ethical non-monogamy, within the confines of your marriage.
     
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  9. Nobu

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    This happened to me before, coming out to her made sex hot again. I think I got too in my own head and my secret was ruining the genuine emotional connection that makes sex great.