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[Long Vent] What does this feeling mean?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by oof, Apr 16, 2017.

  1. oof

    oof
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    Hello! another confused teenager here... this likely will be my only post/thread, so I thought I would make it count. warnings for being excruciatingly long, disjointed, and unnecessarily detailed.

    So... I think? i'm possibly bisexual... but also asexual? biromantic? aromantic? bear with me this is kind of (really) embarrassing haha

    with art/fanfic i can get aroused (i feel strongest/the best with guys, girls not so much), but when it comes to real, actual bodies im kind of ambivalent? like i know i wouldnt exactly be gung ho to have sex with a guy and maybe i would be a little more excited to do it with a girl (probably in part because theres less of a chance of being the bottom) but i... wouldnt go out of my way to do it, i think? i dunno.

    BUT MY BIGGEST QUESTION CONCERNS THIS! when i was younger a girl brushed my hand with hers and my heart did a flip and i felt like i couldnt breathe. yet... it didn't really make me feel happy, you know? No butterflies in my stomach, no surge of euphoria that's (as far as ive read) been associated with a crush. i felt like how i do before i make a presentation or something. anxious? almost like i was suffocating. and im not sure if its just me being excited but just denying it or something else? the same thing goes for suggestive stuff with girls, mostly. what is this feeling? why does it happen?

    theres one of my friends, too. lately ive found it hard to breathe around her recently. when i see her, my heart pounds and my chest feels constricted especially when she shows more skin but, it doesn't feel... gooooood...? these feelings are new but looking back i was always rather reluctant to make any physical contact with her specifically. my other friend could hug me and play with my hair and i didnt get a reaction. the thing is though i dont think? im crushing on her... like, i don't feel those special emotions that everyone says you're supposed to feel. that warmth and desire to please and desire to be with them always. but then, i think to myself, if she asked you on a date would you refuse? I can't find an answer to that and i just feel short of breath again. i know that if she didn't though, I certainly wouldn't complain. id probably even feel relieved to be honest.

    at this point i guess id like to mention that i also suspect i have ocd... when i was younger id always have to step on every crack id see, id always have to tap objects 4 times (and state a phrase with each tap, coincidentally those taps also had to do with sexual orientation, have i always been so fixated on things like this? XD), among other things... but the biggest terrors were the intrusive thoughts. id think about murdering my family and had “sexual fantasies” (i.e. i was below ten so I just thought of naked bodies devoid of any genitalia lol) about pretty much everyone i ever laid eyes on. my mom, my dad, my brother, MY DOG. i remember for my brother, too, i dreaded seeing him and was hypersensitive about him touching me... this is getting way into tmi territory. sorry.

    what im saying is i know that ocd is not something you can grow out of in most cases. if I actually do have it, im still struggling with it, though thankfully to a lesser extent. i find myself thinking about sex, thinking about my friend's body and kissing her and holding her hand and all that stuff but it's all so fleeting, impulsive, and it just leaves me frowning. it makes me uncomfortable. i think to myself i want to keep being close friends but then another voice quips in saying i want more. i cant tell what my my real sentiments are. do i have some weird form of hocd or am i just adamantly in denial?

    before the friend above I was pretty much a complete outcast and had these obsessive/graphic thoughts about nearly anyone who was nice to me. the one outlier was boy (coincidentally the only boy of the numerous girls). i didn't and don't think about him sexually, not nearly as frequently the others anyways, but when he comes to mind there's just. a calmness. lightness. what the heck is love supposed to feel like.

    i evaluate all of this in my head. however i ask myself: if you were someone's girlfriend, would you still feel like yourself? “no” keeps gnawing at me. was I even meant for romance? but I dont want to be alone? I want to hold someones hand, hug them in bed and yet I dont. my lips tingle with the urge to kiss and yet I dont want to kiss anyone because it's kind of gross and I think ill lose something. when I think of myself with a husband I feel like (or fear, rather) I wouldnt truly love him. but ive never even had a close relationship with a boy, how would I know what id feel? when I think of myself with a wife I just feel dread. a strong sense of inevitability and dread. why? am I that homophobic and just havent acknowledged it? am I perhaps pushing myself as an aromantic and asexual because I fear being a lesbian? am I just forcing those labels to “click” with me? even though I do feel like they click? and are these thoughts of how id feel about my wife or husband compulsive? are they real? am I just too young? am I not exposed enough to the world?

    months ago when someone asked me if I had any crushes and I immediately, with all the truth in the world said “no” I felt most like me. I felt like everything was right. but now I have doubts even about that. was I subconsciously thinking of my friend, back then?

    ooooooooooooooooof. sorry for that sudden melodrama. im not even sure what i put here is supposed to mean. but I feel better now that ive written everything down! sorry for the trouble.
     
  2. Storge96

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    No need to apologise - the people of these forums welcome your honesty and we've all sought advice of this nature one time or another.

    I would say that you might risk further confusing yourself if you psychoanalyse things too much. You're right to be suspect about the whole labels thing. So I wouldn't worry about them too much right now; instead it might be better to just focus on your feelings and seeing how you react to certain people interacting with them.

    Especially if you're still relatively young and going through the ups and downs of puberty, since that's when things are changing the most, don't feel pressured by yourself or anyone else to settle on any conclusions.

    Regarding your specific interactions and reactions to other people - that does indeed sounds like it'd be very confusing! But no worries, because you're certainly not alone with these feelings, and as a general piece of advice I would say that with time comes clarity as you accumulate more experiences and get more comfortable with them and identifying trends. In the teen years things are especially confusing because all the feelings are new and you don't have any sort of 'base' previous experience/standard to work from in drawing your conclusions. We all end up trying to draw all kinds of conclusions anyway because we seek security, but ultimately things of this nature will only really settle with time and more experience.

    I hope others will be able to give you some better and more specific advice, but I wish you good luck my friend! :slight_smile:
     
  3. oof

    oof
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    ooh, thank you so much... i guess worrying wont really do me any good, huh? the fact that i dont need to find an answer actually calms me down quite a bit. ill try to go with the flow!
    (*hug*)
     
  4. lblubber

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    In response to what you were saying about not feeling like you if you were somebody's girlfriend... This is just my experience, but I've always felt like an enhanced version of myself when I'm in love. It's like I've found someone who turns up my volume, never like I'm their possession or that I've changed for them.

    In terms of your feelings towards your friend, I also agree that you don't need to psychoanalyse yourself too much. If you don't think you're a super secret in denial lesbian, you probably aren't. All you are is what you feel, so Storge was right in saying just follow your feelings and try and get comfortable with them or stick with the ones that make you feel comfortable.

    I wouldn't even try and tell you what your feelings mean, but what you describe about the breathlessness around your friend reminds me of crushes I had when I was younger. Whenever my crush was in the room my heart would beat so hard it would literally hurt and it would be difficult to breathe. I would only feel better when they were out the room, and you're right, it wasn't nice. I used to dream about kissing them, but then the thought of them kissing me while they were in the room was terrifying and I hoped they wouldn't. I eventually figured out that that was all nerves, and it went away once I had some experience.

    But that's just me, I have no idea if it applies. Good luck though!
     
  5. oof

    oof
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    ahaha, it's pretty ironic reading this post because im out of breath right now. :lol:

    so it was your nerves that prevented you from feeling good around your crushes? if so then im glad you managed the courage to bear with them and go further with your feelings!

    for myself, im not even quite sure what my breathing means at this point. ive stopped breathing weird around my friend for the most part (im a bit more certain that i would rather be friends and she told me shes aromantic anyways! haha. i didnt confess anything but it was uncomfortable as heck talking about romance with her OTL) although now i do it when i look at any suggestive material at all, even the ones that i had no problem with before. and there are cases like now where im not really thinking about anything of that nature and still do it. it lasts a looong time too. perhaps i actually have some sort of health problem?! XD

    in all seriousness, though, the sort of love you describe sounds nice. it reminds me of when someone told me love makes every color in the world more vivid. i hope you have luck on your end too!
     
  6. It sounds like you're suffering from a form of primarily obsessional OCD where you have consistent thoughts of harming and/or performing sexual acts on a range of different people, this could include children, family, or even animals. Rest assured they are only thoughts and they are proven to mean nothing about you as a person at all. I have these thoughts all the time myself, and I just have to keep telling myself, "I would never do that. It's simply not like me."
     
  7. oof

    oof
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    haha yeah, its pretty tough and im sorry youre having similar experiences (*hug*) whatever it is, at least we have each others support!