1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Life long toil

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Complicated101, Dec 24, 2022.

  1. Complicated101

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2022
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Before I start, this place is utterly inspiring and I'm so glad I found it. Well done to everyone speaking up for the first time and to those offering advice, the world is full of food people!!!

    Now where do I start... Since I was 11/12 I was introduced to pornography and have been pretty obsessed with it my whole life (I'm 30 now). I prefer to say obsessed rather than addicted to imply I have some control over it (I've been to therapy this year) but I've always been drawn to it constantly, more than is healthy. I'm not sure when it became gay porn, probably 14/15 but it pretty much stuck since then.

    A big toil for me is the rush from not only being taboo to have been watching porn (which as a Catholic was guilty enough) but to be gay porn! Even to the point today, if I think I shouldn't be watching it (fear of getting caught has always been strong) my heart will start to rush. It's a different feeling than if I watch straight porn, however there are certain types of straight porn (other taboos/fetishes) that give the same rush. But for years now I've just gone immediately to gay porn when I get the chance.

    I'm now not watching porn at all (for 4/5 months now) as I see it as unproductive and leads me to even more thrill seeking behaviours that have jeapordised my relationship (been with my girl 11 years, married for 1). 4/5 months ago I admitted my struggles with porn/sexuality/cheating and she's sticking by me through it (she's my everything).

    I'm now at a place where I'm focusing on my sexuality and I still find it tough to separate the taboo from homosexual attraction. Pornography has screwed my brain up into being almost nazi like (pale skin is most desirable, blonde would be highly desirable) and that's either white washing stuff in porn or I'm born fucked up. But the fact is it's all guys. I used to spend hours each day looking through porn photos online of guys I find hot and jerking off, sometimes several times a day. I've never told anyone until I told my now wife. I think keeping it a secret has deformed me a bit and it's hard to figure myself out now. I also find it hot to be watched by other guys (voyeurism porn is very hot to me, probably part of the issue but anyways).

    I love my wife and think she's gorgeous, she's sexy in the bedroom and I have no problems in the sack with her. I've never imagined anyone else when having sex with her. However, in general, my sex drive is very high and I can get an erection with the stroke of a finger if the mood is right (I think I'm similar to some people on here who are easily aroused both deliberately and randomly). I still get awkward erections (i.e. no control) at 30 years. The problem with this is it doesn't help me decide on my sexuality.

    I've had around 13 sexual encounters with men (1 night stands if you will) in my life. Some were really enjoyable, I came in most of them, but in nearly all of them I came away with the feeling I had rushed my decision to do it out of severe thrill seeking behaviour and settled for someone less than I'm worth and wouldn't really be attracted to in normal circumstances (many were a lot older, just available when I was looking). Basically I got in the loop of secretly watching gay porn for several months, chatting online on cam with guys, then meeting one in person, regretting it afterwards, stopping porn out of shame of what I'd done, then eventually slipping back into porn.

    I'm currently on my longest ever run without porn, I'm not even masturbating which is though but getting easier as I go along. I still have the urge to go back and watch it, which tells me it is a compulsion I need to control.

    I have toiled most of the last 6/7 months about my sexuality, moving from I'm a bisexual, to I don't need labels, to I'm bi but more on the gay side, back to I don't need labels again! It's tough, sometimes I feel like I might be lying to myself and the only way to know would be to use a lie detector on myself. I obviously don't want to be 'gay' because it would make my life with my wife impossible. I know how problematic it is saying that but just thinking out loud at this point. I don't think I can be gay anyways because my wife turns me on so much.

    To top it all off, I get turned by myself (sigh). I used to love wanking off in the mirror (aged 15-17) and even now I find sex with a mirror very hot. I believe I struggle to watch lesbian porn because there are no guys in it to imagine myself being there (my imagination is notoriously boring/limited). This is something I haven't shared with my wife yet, too embarrassing and have bigger fish to fry right now.

    Sorry for the life story dump, even if there's just one bit you relate to I'd love to hear about it. Peace and love ❤️
     
  2. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,173
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Complicated.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation" there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.

    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,173
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Complicated.....In your post you said "even if there's just one bit you relate to I'd love to hear about it." Well I can guarantee that there are many, many people out in the world and many people here on Empty Closets that can relate to what you have and are experiencing. I'm one of them. My story is long, but I can share that I fought for years trying to pretend that I did not like guys. I married and had three sons and now grandkids. I finally accepted that I am gay. It was, as I said a long process, but I did come out to my wife and two of my sons. My wife and have built a life together and have chosen to stay together as I had made the decision to not seek out men in any way. Like you, I love her immensely and chose her over same-sex intimacy. I also have had long-term issues with masturbation and porn. I've take a bit of a different path than you as I've chosen to "trade" same-sex relations for masturbation. I call myself auto-sexual and have learned over time to limit it somewhat. For me it's a compromise that works. I'm in no way suggesting that you do what I'm doing, however, you might want to consider that things need not be all-or-nothing. Perhaps there is...over time...a way that you can find that will work for you that is neither "black nor white" in your situation. You've mentioned that you do have some control over the porn/masturbation and have not done so for several months, that you have begun therapy (excellent choice!! :old_smile:) and have talked to your wife about this. Those are all really good things and you can build on them. Talking to a therapist about all of this is really important! I hope that you have found a therapist that works with the LGBTQ Community. They should list that in the information that they post about their practice. It's quite important that your therapist has this experience and training. I was stuck in the black or white situation before I came out. I thought that I could never come out without destroying my family and that I also could not possible go on as I was trying to pretend that I wasn't LGBTQ. The depression it caused was so severe that it almost lead me to taking my own life. The wonderful folks here on Empty Closets saved me the night of my crisis. It was after that that I found a wonderful therapist who helped me learn that things don't always have to be absolutely black or white, yes or no... that compromises can be found. Your solution will undoubtably be different than mine as we are different people with different backgrounds, etc. However, the important thing to understand is that there is a way to workout your situation, a way to make things livable and practicable for both you and your wife. It may take some time to work it out and it will take genuine effort, but with commitment on your part and help of a LGBTQ qualified therapist, I am certain that you'll be able to find the solution! Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how you are doing...we really do want to help in any way that we can.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  4. Complicated101

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2022
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you for welcoming me David, and for your quick response! It has certainly reminded me that I am not alone and everyone has there own solution to things, I just need to find mine.

    I'd be interested to know more about the intimate details of how you got through these obstacles with your wife, but perhaps they're too intimate for public post? (Sorry I'm new of course) Like do you still have sex? Do you still find her attractive? How does she feel about your pornography situation now, etc. No worries if not comfortable to do so.

    Well done for being brave and coming out, so glad you did and basically saved your life by the sounds of it!

    I have talked to two therapists from the Pink Therapy list but done 6 sessions with each of them and they often don't steer me in a direction but just listen and try to correct any wrong beliefs/assumptions in a soft manner. If you know any organisations or therapists to recommend I'd be happy to give them a go as well.

    I know it will take time and I keep telling my wife the same thing, but also reminding her that overall I want to be with her for the rest of my life and that's the bottom line.

    Thanks again!
     
  5. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,173
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Complicated.....I'm glad that anything I said helped! :old_smile: As I said my situation, while similar in some ways is different than yours. My wife and I haven't been intimate for a long time. Physical limitations for both of us prevent that. It also became more and more difficult for me as I came to realize that I was not straight. It's quite a long story. Briefly...I knew when I was young that I was different than the other boys. When I started college I became involved with a group of guys in the music and drama departments and fell deeply in love with Tim. Tim became ill and his parents, when they discovered that we were more than friends, threw me out of their house where I was spending time at his bedside. They told me to "get my faggot ass off their property and never come back". Tim died shortly after. I never saw him again and don't know where he is buried. I was devastated and did not really recover. Instead I turned my back on my sexuality and forced myself to forget that I had ever been with that group of guys or even known Tim. It sounds strange but that is exactly what happened. It wasn't until I had finally accepted my sexuality in 2014 at the age of 64 that the healing process began. Sometime about the middle of 2016 the memories of those four years in my youth began to return. I was so fortunate to have an incredible therapist who helped me through remembering the good and then the devastation of losing Tim. This time I had help and I have worked through it. I can look back and cherish the memory of Tim. I'm bringing this up because the memory of Tim is one of the main reasons that I am able to commit to my wife that I will not look for any kind of same-sex relationship. I understand that this is completely different form your situation. However, everyone of us has unique experiences that we can draw on for the strength that we need to help make changes that we have come to realize are important to our lives. There is nothing at all wrong with being straight, gay, bi, trans or lesbian. There is nothing wrong with masturbation or watching porn. What counts is how we let these things control our lives. I am gay, but my sexuality does not control my life...I make choices in my life that are affected by many factors. Being gay is just one of them. Your sexuality...even though right now it's complicated...does not control your life. You make choices based on many factors and your sexuality is just one part of the factors that affect those choices. I am very glad that you are working with therapist(s). The fact that they are not "steering" you is perfect! Therapists are supposed to help you find the right path for your life, they are not supposed to "push" you in any direction. Your wife should be as an important part of the solution as she is an important part of your life. My wife has supported me as I have worked out how to handle mine. A big part of what I do to help work through the difficulties of being gay and living in a mixed-orientation marriage happens right here on Empty Closets. Since EC was so important in helping me accept my sexuality I have devoted a large part of my time back to EC in an effort to "payback" what was done for me as well as using my time since I am retired to help others in our LGBTQ Community in any way that I can. Well...I have run-on quite enough. I hope you find friends and help here on EC...we do care.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    Complicated101 likes this.
  6. Complicated101

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2022
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you for sharing your story David (or at least the highlights). Tim sounded like a very special person, God rest his soul. You've done well to overcome the trauma from that situation and hopefully forgive Tim's parents for how they mistreated you all those years ago.

    You're spot on about how sexuality is just one of many factors that we can use to CHOOSE how we live our lives. I know what kind of life I want to love, so that's a big help for a starting point and again your right, I need to plan how I do that with my wife. I might have to start calling you Wise David very soon...

    I think I've got a lot of work to do around not just accepting myself but affirming what really matters to me (i.e. caring what other people think of me and my situation) and of course managing my impulses and sexual behaviour the best way I can to be able to enjoy my life without any fears (i.e. Of getting caught, of cheating, of doing something wrong).

    I have high hopes for the unique space EC provides for me to explore my thoughts with like minded individuals as yourself.

    Thank you for caring ❤️
     
    quebec likes this.
  7. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,173
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Complicated.....Thanks for the kind words. :old_smile: Something I haven't mentioned, although I have alluded to it is communication. It's so very important to have good, open communication with those who are closest and most important to us. Part of the problem with the always increasing depression that so many LGBTQ Folks endure is due to the secret that they live with day-in and day-out. :old_frown: That secret eats at a person more and more all the time. :old_mad: The only real cure is to destroy the secret by telling someone and perhaps others over time. That is the beginning of communication and also the start of healing. While I had made a lot of progress after coming out here on EC, the real healing didn't start until I came out to my wife. That moment of honesty with her was the beginning my true healing. It put the final nail in the coffin of the secret that had been torturing me for years. Everyone has to make their own choices and do so in their own time. However, the longer that kind of a secret is kept, the longer it will eat away at a person and the worse the depression can become.
    .....Davis :gay_pride_flag:
     
    Complicated101 likes this.
  8. Complicated101

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2022
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    100%

    I'm not afraid to say that when I came clean to my wife 5 months ago I broke down crying with the relief of not holding it in anymore and realising how much worse it was that I hadn't been honest with her for so long.

    I now feel I need to fully understand myself but let her in on my journey as I get there. Already learning a lot from other posts on EC that I can relate to in some ways.

    I'd love to tell other people but feel I want to know myself better first and make sure I'm fair to my wife in knowing who she's married to etc.
     
    quebec likes this.
  9. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,173
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Contented.....I too broke down and cried a waterfall of tears when I came out to my wife. It was so hard to tell her, but I knew I had to do it. The relief was huge and there was no doubt that it was the right thing to do. You are so right that learning more about yourself is important! It's been eight years as of today that I came out here on EC and I am still learning about myself and will, no doubt, continue to do so. Congratulations on your progress and have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    Complicated101 likes this.