I’m a 20 year old female and I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a really long time. Being gay is not something that was really spoken about so the “straight” lifestyle is just something I thought everyone had, eg wanting to grow up, marry a man and start a family. The concept of being gay in my younger life was just explained to be more of a “only men go through this” and for lesbians it was just enforced onto me “no you’re so girly, you like girl things and want to have a family, you definitely don’t need to stress about being lesbian”. At the time, genuinely just agreed and went on it didn’t have me questioning anything. It wasn’t until I started to go through puberty and explore sexuality through masturbation that my eyes opened a little. When I first began masturbating it was just a “this is making me feel good” type thing. I would do it regularly and purely just to orgasm. Around 13/14, me and my friends would openly speak about it to each other. A friend said that she watched porn while masturbating. I honestly had no clue what porn was, so the next time I masturbated, I tried to look at porn. I couldn’t look at straight sex, i was disgusted. It just had no effect on me. So I began watching lesbian porn. This is what got me off, turned me on and the sex that I wanted to have. I felt so guilty about it because it’s just not what “my life was supposed to be like”. It turned into this dirty secret I had and then eventually I stopped masturbating until I was around 16 years old. I know they say they porn you watch or fantasies you have can be just fantasies. But I always think about how at 13 years old, seeing two women have sex just seemed so right to me. I have had sex with men and been in relationships with them. The sex I feel, filled a void and made me feel wanted. I didn’t really feel emotional connections with them and when the relationship ended, I would just get into a new one. I’ve never been with a woman but I really really want to, I want to be in a relationship and experience having sex with one. But I still feel this guilt about it. I still only exclusively orgasm and masturbate to the thought of women. I don’t mean to be crude by keep bringing it up but this is genuinely how I feel. I’ve tried to explore the idea of being bisexual but the desire I have for women honestly overrides any thought for men. But the label of lesbian makes uncomfortable, maybe to slight internalised homophobia or the fact I have never been with a woman apart from kissing her. It been like this back and forth since I was 14, I’m getting exhausted trying to figure it all out. Has anyone got any ideas how to figure this out?
Hello, @an2e! Based on everything you've posted here, I think it's pretty fair to conclude that you are a lesbian. It's true that the porn on its own isn't a strong indicator, but the fact that you have fantasized about being sexual with women and it has led to arousal is incredibly telling. Your discomfort with the label could very well be a product of internalized homophobia, as the word "lesbian" in particular has often been treated as dirty. Even so, there's no pressure to subscribe to a particular label if you don't want to; first and foremost, it's important to be able to come to terms with your sexual orientation and beyond that, to accept it/view it in a positive light. Everything else will happen in its own time.
I agree with @BiGemini87 based on this alone, it sounds like you're into women but just feel guilty about it or that you 'should' like men. A lot of people who realized they were gay were in hetero relationships -but when they finally started to accept themselves they realized that the 'attractions' or even enjoyment of being with the opposite sex didn't compare to being with the same sex.
