I've come out to my parents

I’m glad they want you to be happy being you. That is a very supportive statement.

I don’t know why people minimize or forget how they said cruel things in the past. It is obvious they have come a long way. Now what will it take for lottaotter to let go of the power those past statements have?

You ask if you’re an attention seeker. I don’t think it is wrong for you to get attention. Especially during pride. Go ahead and feel good!

 

Not very many people who come out get the affirmation and support they really need. Often times it's somewhat supportive and just above neutral. Sometimes it's more negative. It seems like you got a pretty decent response.

This just happened, so it's ok that you have mixed feelings about how it went. The most important part is that you accomplished your goal. You were in great fear of coming out to them, and yet you pushed through that fear and did what you probably thought at one point that you would never do - actually tell your parents that you are gay. Well done!

Give yourself time to work through these feelings. Coming out does generally resolve these feelings, but it's not like a light switch. It's a process, and it takes time.

 

Well done! You are very brave and have done an incredibly difficult thing that many in our community never find the courage to do.
Be proud of being you!

 

You’ll get through this.

 

First, congrats!!
Second, I completely relate to your conflicting feelings regarding your parent's response. I just came out to my parents as well. They took it relatively well, but I can't get over some of the very homophobic things they've said and done in the past. The take no accountability for any of it. It creates a very "weird" feeling when your parents treat you with kindness but believe some very hurtful things about gay people.
I felt like crap for a couple of days and am only now feeling lighter. Maybe coming out is like removing a bullet, you feel really terrible before you get to feel better. Perhaps for you the "terrible" phase is a bit longer than it is for some others.

 

You've been fed a steady diet of negative messaging about homosexuality from your family, friends, schools, and social circle for your entire life. This will take time for you to unravel all of this negative messaging. There is a part of you that still believes a lot of this internally, even subconsciously. You can be fully out of the closet and still be affected by internalized homophobia. That's where the shame comes in. These feelings you are having now about coming out are normal. You've been told that it should fix everything, and make you feel better. It didn't. The disclaimer that should accompany those messages that coming out will resolve these issues should be: "It will take time and patience for things to improve." You've been struggling with this for years, and it will take time to resolve the struggle.

There are common stages of the coming out process. In your postings, it seems you are around Stage 3-4.
(Source: Matthewsplace.com)

Stage 1: Identity Confusion:
This is the first stage where the individual struggles with who they are as a person. This stage is marked by suspicions and feelings of being different from the normativity practiced, accepted and preached by society. It is not uncommon to harbor questions over one’s sexuality or gender at this point. Subsequently, one ends up feeling alienated and detached from society without really knowing why. The identity confusion stage could last a period of up to several years and undoubtedly leads to further self-analysis and self-awareness.

Stage 2: Identity Comparison:
This is the second stage of coming out where one begins to consider and rationalize the idea of same sex attractions. At this point, it is common to develop suspicions of being LGBTQ+ without really being sure of one’s gender or sexuality. At this stage, the individual is looking for any external connection that will validate his/ her feelings and identity. Sometimes they look to media and representation in film and television to learn from.

Stage 3: Identity Tolerance:
At this stage, one begins to come to terms with one’s sexuality and can identify as gay or queer with increased confidence. At this juncture, however, one is yet to fully embrace their sexual identity with question marks still lingering over their place in society. Nonetheless, the individual begins to develop links with other members of LGBTQ+ communities as one attempts to find a positive self-identity. Often in this stage, one finds individuals with a similar sexual ideology but is still reluctant to proudly identify as LGBTQ+.

Stage 4: Identity Acceptance:
This stage sees the individual get comfortable with who they are, thanks to their LGBTQ+ support system. The individual is now more at ease and embracing of their sexuality aided by a close circle of understanding friends or LGBTQ+ support groups. To the rest of society, however, the individual may still be reserved about exposing their true identity for fear of judgement and backlash.

Stage 5: Identity Pride:
This stage is a product of the understanding and acceptance of one’s sexuality and gender. At this point, the LGBTQ+ individual is actively involved in causes that fight homophobia and transphobia. The individual carries out extensive research on LGBTQ+ matters to fully comprehend how to navigate an intolerant society. The frustration of being misunderstood and rejected by a heterosexual society fuels the individual to fight more passionately for their rights and that of others. At this stage, the individual is not afraid to be associated with LGBTQ+ or labeled as such by society.

Stage 6: Identity Synthesis:
The final stage of coming out is marked by a sense of pride and peace at being LGBTQ+. At this juncture, one really does not care the opinions of others; the individual is simply concerned with living his/ her best life. The individual is unafraid to come out to his/her family, friends and the world at large. Despite the heteronormativity propagated by society, being LGBTQ+ at the synthesis stage can handle discrimination because they have found their voice and identity.

 

Yea.. It's definitely unrealistic to expect everything to get better, and even though I believe coming out does lift a weight off, it's a gradual process, not instantaneous. For me, coming out raised a whole new hosts of stressors as well. Such as.. well..how to actually be a gay woman?
I think that remaining in the closet long term is not the healthier choice. But that doesn't mean there isn't cons to being "out" as well. I just think that I'd rather be stressed and miserable while being myself then be stressed and miserable while being inauthentic. I think coming out kind of raises some new garbage that has to be sorted out before you feel relief. I'm glad to hear that you are starting to feel better, though!

 

Thanks for this! Very helpful information for myself as well.