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Is this a straight fantasy?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sadness, Jan 13, 2022.

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  1. Sadness

    Sadness
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    This could really sound like a ridiculosly question.

    I've said that before that now im feeling much better than i was, my medicines are probably doing the right effect on me and i almost dont test with man and im slowly stopping being obsessed i think.

    But one thing still remains, and its probably bc its something that trully gives me arousal.

    I still have fantasies about transwoman, today i fantasized about doing her a bj and took a toothpaste and put it in my mouth thinking it was her penis, and i felt really arousal and orgasmed after some seconds doing this.

    And it left me wondering.

    Is this a straight fantasy?

    Because a transwoman is a woman, but im sucking a penis and feeling pleasure

    And i dont feel the same pleasure when thinking about licking a vagina (sorry for being too explicit)

    Why? Is this a straight fantasy? Im very confused

    Im only asking bc i want to know what it means...

    I never felt a desire to suck a penis or to suck a penis of a transwoman in my life, but it started feelig arousal after too much transwoman porn exposure
     
    #1 Sadness, Jan 13, 2022
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    It's hard to tell. There are plenty of straight men who are attracted to transwomen. And it's also possible that this is a remnant manifestation of your OCD. What we can be certain of is that it does not in any case indicate that you are gay or attracted to guys.
     
    #2 Chip, Jan 14, 2022
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  3. Sadness

    Sadness
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    I ask this because it's not something that arouses me when i fantasize with meb, and i know im not purpousely repressing any sort of arousal when fantasizing about doing it woth men (and tbh i don't even know if it's possible to repress arousal)

    That's why is really something that confuses me.

    I don't know if this attraction and fantasies came by my porn use or is ir just because im attracted to transwoman.

    And plus how could this be a remnant manifestation of my ocd? I'm really interested on that
     
    #3 Sadness, Jan 14, 2022
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    My guess is a combination. Consistent porn use creates desensitization, and people seek more out-of-the-ordinary or extreme porn to maintain stimulation. So that could be part of it. And it's entirely possible that there's some element of your OCD still at work here. You've got two different layers to the OCD. One is the neurochemical one, and that's absolutely outside of conscious control, it's a literal hijack (as you know and understand.)

    But the other is more of a conditioned or learned response. When your brain has been hijacked for so long, the way you look at and think about things sort of expects you to continue to look at things the same way. So when you get medication that works, and the driver for the obsessive thinking is no longer there, the conscious mind has to sort of reset itself and re-evaluate how to think.

    It's possible you have genuine attraction to transfolk, and it's also possible that you may see this fade over time.

    Especially now that the OCD is dying down, I'd invite you to consider, again, trying to give up porn. Masturbating will be hard (no pun intended) for a couple of weeks, but if you use that time to create fantasies in your head, you'll begin to rewire the pathways that are stimulated, and I think you'll find yourself ultimately a lot happier in the long run.
     
    #4 Chip, Jan 14, 2022
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  5. Sadness

    Sadness
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    Interesting, today i unfortunatelly had another test about doing a bj to a guy it was sudden but when i notice i was testing, i am not completely free of the tests. And i noticed i felt the same, the tingling and getting hard thing, like i already told. So is this happening because of what you explained? And will i eventually stop feeling this when i think of that? Will i feel disgusted or not feel nothing? Or will i will forever feel this when thinking abou this? Or idk will i forever get hard or kind hard even not aroused when thinking of this?

    I think ot maybe requires time for me to be able to reset completely and stop feeling this(if i ever stop) .

    Tbh with you i still watch porn, i couldnt let porn away until today but im trying hard. But i can now fantasize, is hard to reach orgasm but i can, the proof is that i fantasized about what i wrote here, about the transwoman. So im kind getting able to fantasize, and yesterday i fantasized about a girl too . But i still watch it and im trying hard to quit it my pornography addiction, i will stop watching, i know i will and im trying hard to do it
     
    #5 Sadness, Jan 15, 2022
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    It does take time, and the reality is, there's a balance between the right amount of medication to minimize symptoms and unwanted side effects from the meds. So this is something to discuss with your psychiatrist. @quebec may also have something to say, as he's dealt directly with OCD.

    Fantasizing and using that to reach orgasm is going to take a bit, because your body is used to porn. Once you are able to fully give up porn, it will get a lot easier. I get that it is difficult; you've conditioned yourself for that as your go-to and it will take time to unlearn that conditioning. Just be patient and keep trying. The goal is to increase the days between porn use. Maybe a couple days at the start, and then you give in, then 3 or 4, then a week, then 2 weeks... and then you keep going.
     
    #6 Chip, Jan 18, 2022
  7. Sadness

    Sadness
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    When you say symptons and side effects, what do you mean by that? I don't jave any type of side effects bc of the meds i'm taking, not that i know of. @quebec already helped a lot here on chat about ocd, is good to share about those things with someone who went through it.

    I still have difficulties to not test or overthing about it, but i think it's normal, i'm definetly better than before tho. But i try not to think about it even if it's hard, but today one of my friends came close to me to explain something and he touched me, i felt tingles down there and i couldnt stop worrying about that, so i almost didn't understand what he explained to me, i don't know why tinglings and feelings are there, maybe is psychological? I can't really sy. Or it could be what you told about normal response since i'm testing so much, like when i try to test about doing bj to a guy and get hard. So those things still cross my mind once and a while, and i still have worries about woman, relationship, sex and all that. But since it only began i suppose it takes a lot of time.

    And porn im trying to quit, everyday i try to fantasize, most of the times i can't and i need to rely on porn, but today even porn i could watch, i just couldn't finish even w porn. I got bored, let's see how it goes. I just want to stop feeling this and get better soon
     
    #7 Sadness, Jan 21, 2022
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    The fact you aren't having any side effects is good, it means you're at a dosage where there aren't any for you. As to what they are, it is all over the map depending on medication, dosage, and individual response to the medication. Given your OCD it's probably not a good idea to go into a million different possibilities that you don't have, what I'm getting at is, if you got to a point where your medication dosage was on the line or at the high end, you might see some side effects. THe fact you're seeing none might mean (emphasis on 'might' ... this is something to discuss with your psychiatrist) that your doctor could increase your dose a little bit to see if it would further reduce whatever residual OCD symptoms you're seeing. And if you start to see any side effects (which are usually pretty minor and are reversible by lowering dosage), you can always just back off to the prior dose.

    The porn is probably more a conditioned response than an OCD-related one. The key is to recognize when you have the desire to view it, and to do something else. Usually the worst of the cravings (whether for porn or a chocolate bar or anything else) last only a minute or two, and if you can recognize at that moment that you're feeling this desire, and want to avoid giving into it, you can recognize that, and do something to distract yourself... drink a glass of water, get up and walk around, read a news article... anything... and that buys you a few more minutes or hours. Rinse and repeat... and you can extend the time between sessions until eventually it's days, weeks, months or longer.
     
    #8 Chip, Jan 21, 2022
  9. Sadness

    Sadness
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    Tbh now that you've mentioned i notice that i am scratching my arm more, my arms kind itch, bur i can't say if it's some side effecta because i always scratch my skin so much, i've always done that and i don't know why lol, that's why i didnt even assumed it could be a side effect

    I will try to see with him what we can do, change the meds it could be something.

    Oh yeah my urge to watch porn last 2 minutes, everyday i have urge to watch it before i sleep but most of the times i resist because im too tired, and just thinking that it will take a lot of time to find the right video, since i cant warch anything.

    The same way im trying to fight my compulsion to test, i get tired sometimes, i just want to test all the time,, even if i feel something its just boring and i dont want to do it, so i almost dont do it anymore
     
    #9 Sadness, Jan 22, 2022
  10. Sadness

    Sadness
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    Yesterday i think i had one of my downs, it wasnt a complete down but it was a bad day. I ended up testing a lot at my work for some unknown reason, and yeah, tinglings, tinglings and more tinglings, but i went home and didnt test about that which made me feel like im kind in control, but afterwards i ended up testing with another things again.... i even changed my ###### profile to search for males because i wasnt getting attracted by the womans on my app, and realized neither man after.

    Yeah a really bad day
     
    #10 Sadness, Jan 29, 2022
  11. Chip

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    You'll have ups and downs. The thing to remember is... on the whole, it seems like it is getting dramatically better. And likely will continue to do so as you and your doctor work to tweak the medication dosages and such.
     
    #11 Chip, Jan 29, 2022
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  12. Sadness

    Sadness
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    Yeah, and what i trully am trying to avoid is doubting about it all again...
    I've already talked about that but the fact that when i fantasize with woman i have a bad/weird feeling and when i do with transwoman i inly feel pleasure still bothers me a lot. I know transwoman are woman but the penis itself is what bothers me, since i get aroused by it, even if they are woman.

    And when that happens i start doubting myself again, plus the usual men fantasies, which gice me the tingles feelings and my pebis gets bigger sometimes, but i think im in more control of this type of situation.

    Im trying to avoid this but it's kind hard haha
     
    #12 Sadness, Jan 30, 2022
  13. Chip

    Chip
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    Just remember that *that* stuff is remnants of your OCD. Disregard it.
     
    #13 Chip, Jan 30, 2022
  14. Sadness

    Sadness
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    Actually with you saying this it's kind how i view it myself, that's how i kind know i'm in a bit of control of it now, i now most of the times i can not test and that's something good. Now i need to work my fears of relationships, actually im working on it and my fear of sex. How many fears lol
     
    #14 Sadness, Jan 30, 2022
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  15. Sadness

    Sadness
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    I think i need to learn the difference between attraction and anxiety.

    There's a guy at my work that sometimes i see him (i've never actually looked at him he just crossed my sight sometimes very quickly) and today it happened again, and i got anxious, like when you get a jumpscare. And left me wondering if this is atraction bc to me is not. Is different from a girl i helped at my work one day, she got close to me and i felt a good feeling and got hard just from her looking at me and being close, i even left her my name but it didnt work out i think, or she didnt noticed.

    To me arousal was always this, but those days i got bothered for a small period od time that this anxiety, or what it feels like anxiety since my heartbeat goes up, is attraction.

    Maybe is just one more remnant of my ocd again, but it got me confused, bc this happened a lot of times already
     
    #15 Sadness, Feb 1, 2022
  16. Sadness

    Sadness
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    So, i can see how my ocd is playing w me. I think after my first down, i took several downs throughout this week. Today my best friend taught me something and while he was teachibg me he was very close to me, like always. But the he moved his arms and i suddenly got a thought of him touvhing mt body and i start feeling the tingling again and movements down there, and i panicked yeah and even mad eme test afterwards and felt tingling and the arousal which is not arousal thing...

    Yeah my head was in my head rent free this week lol
     
    #16 Sadness, Feb 4, 2022
  17. Sadness

    Sadness
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    Today i was watching vikings when suddenly i naked guys crossed and i looked at his penis and the tingles and nervousness started. When i noticed i was testing thinking about me and my friends changing clothes and me looking at their dicks while feeling the tinfles/movements/growing feeling.

    I think my meds are not working that good anymore maybe ill have to change it, what did i do wrong this time? I was doing so good.

    Plus i remember my friends laughing whenever a guys naked cross by and if they look at them they would laugh, i remember i used to laugh to, but now i get anxious and feel this weird tingling
     
    #17 Sadness, Feb 5, 2022
  18. Chip

    Chip
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    This is your OCD. Just remember, when you have this stuff going on, your medication seems to be helping... but you may still need to have it adjusted.
     
    #18 Chip, Feb 6, 2022
  19. Sadness

    Sadness
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    So should i stick out with my medication until it ends to see if i have a new up in my anxiety or should i just change it now? This week i didnt have too many obsession like i did last week. But i sure have sometimes
     
    #19 Sadness, Feb 8, 2022
  20. Chip

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    That's a question better answered by your psychiatrist. S/he may be able to slightly increase your dose to see if it stabilizes further. As I think I said before, it's always a balance between getting the best of the desired effect (reducing the obsessive thinking) and minimizing any unwanted side effects. As dosage goes up, unwanted side effects usually increase as well, but that depends very much on the individual. Tell your doc what's going on and ask if there are options.

    If it were me, given that you're seeing such positive results with this, I'd be inclined to stick with your current medication and see if a dosage increase is possible rather than switching to a new one which is going to work differently and possibly less effectively or with more side effects. But again, your psychiatrist is going to be better equipped to answer than question.
     
    #20 Chip, Feb 8, 2022
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