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Is my husband gay, straight or bi. By Joe Kort.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by RD Spencer, Jan 4, 2022.

  1. RD Spencer

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    I read this book a few weeks back. It definitely gives some things to think about.

    But overall it leaves me with the same uncertainty I started off with.


    Anybody else have any thoughts on it and how it has or has not helped with your understanding of your sexuality?
     
  2. RD Spencer

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    A lot is this book resonates with my personal experiences in life.


    And what I get out of it is that I am most likely straight.


    This book shines more light on the conflict I have than anything else.

    That is being aroused by same sex fantasies but never had any real attraction.


    My thoughts are this.

    Thinking of sex in general can be a turn on and its the thought of sex thats doing it and not the person in the fantasy. Because it doesn’t matter at all what gender that person is.


    When I first started masterbating I quickly began using it to help suppress and relieve my high levels of anxiety. I have had a lot of weird fetishes in my fantasies as well.

    When I was younger I had massive anxiety that was overwhelming and made my life very difficult. My family was very dysfunctional, emotional and physically abusive.
    I don’t have any specific memories of sexual abuse but that doesn’t mean it did not happen. All this has taken a toll on how my mind processes fantasies.


    Actual attraction in real life.

    Throughout my life, in real life I have found myself easily physically, romantically and sexually attracted to countless specific women. Some very strongly. This has not been a struggle for me.

    I have never found myself attracted to a guy in any of these ways. I have not tried to suppress attraction to them either (because there was none to suppress). I can tell if a guy is attractive. And even when around a very attractive guy, still no feeling or desires on my part. I can’t even force myself to have any sexual or romantic desires.

    It is just is not there for me. What I do feel around attractive guys is a sense of inferiority and jealousy. The girls wanted to be with them but only friends with me.



    Dreams

    I have had countless romantic and sexual dreams with very strong feelings involving women.

    I have only had a few sex dreams involving guys but there was no sexual or romantic feelings. It was more like a mechanical action without any desire or feelings. Like changing a tire or sweeping the floor.



    Homophobia

    While I am probably not 100% non homophobic, I seem to have relatively low homophobia. I am certainly less homophobic than all of my brothers and most of the people I have worked with.


    I do have issues with men in general though. Particularly stereotypical straight men. Too many bad experiences from when I was younger. I am shorter than most guys, shy and quiet, on top of having phycological issues. This made me an easy target. Had few male friends in grade school and spent more time around the girls or alone. At least some of the girls were sympathetic and caring. Something few males seem capable of. I hold my own much better these days but don’t trust or respect other males much. Connections basically don’t form and I rarely spend time with male co workers outside of work.



    Why do people often think I am gay.

    I am shorter, quiet, shy and reserved. I often get along and connect with women much better. Given the circumstance, why would this not be the case.

    But I see why this sends mixed signals to people who can’t think outside of stereotypes.



    There is a lot of noise in my head from what I have been through but my real life attraction and dreams have always been consistent.

    So I rely on them to determine my sexual orientation.

    Since I have never felt any real attraction to a specific guy, it feels inauthentic to call myself anything other than straight. I would see it differently if even one time there was real attraction but zero is hard to argue with.
     
  3. Nickw

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    Interesting that you are continuing to test yourself to double check that you are straight.

    Since you posted, I assume you are looking for some reaction? You mentioned that you never had any attraction for a “specific guy” in real life? However, do you have sexual fantasies about guys in general?
     
  4. RD Spencer

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    I feel like I am being disingenuous when I tell people I am bi. This has really bothered me a lot and I feel this way because I am not convinced that I am bi.

    It seems weird to telling people I am bi while never actually having been attracted to a guy.

    I won’t be telling anyone this anymore.




    The only time I think of guys is with sexual fantasies. Never in romantic day dreams or the like. The guys are never clearly visualized and no face is seen. Like a vague figure that in a lot of ways is not like most or any real guys. There is also women involved in the fantasies most of the time. The sexual fantasies seem much more focused on sexual pleasure and much less the people involved. The women in the fantasies are usually someone real and are clearly visualized. Usually my wife.

    I have had countless romantic day dreams of women.


    All of the pieces fit to form a picture for attraction to women and they just don’t for men.

    Plenty of times I have tried to invoke some feeling or desire towards a guys while around them and I get nothing.

    In real life guys just don’t do it for me. Every time the beach test indicates that I am straight.

    I can momentarily convince myself I am bi but that immediately dies out when I lay my eyes on even very attractive guys. Just gos to nothing.

    Under these circumstances it would not be possible to actually have a sexual relationship with a guy.



    Another thing that confuses me is that a few people on this forum say it is normal to feel disgusted after sex. This is a rare occurrence for me and most guys I have talked to. Straight guys refer to this as “post nut clarity”. You don’t feel this way when you are with someone you truly like. Only when you were not into the person to begin with.


    Being able to have sex with somebody and then being into / fall in love with someone is two different things.

    I personally would never have sex with someone who I be disgusted with after. Thats what jerking off is for.



    I know what sexual attraction is and what falling in love is.


    What I am no longer sure about what “sexual orientation” means.

    But if it doesn’t mean the above and only about sex then perhaps its not meaningful or helpful to me. I have never been nor ever will be about only sex.


    Many years ago I read the perfect description of attraction that fits me.


    “You know who you are into when you want to put your tongue in their mouth”.


    Thats the difference between just having sex and making love.