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Is my friend gay?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Y2B, Dec 3, 2021.

  1. Y2B

    Y2B
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    Hello everyone, my first time and I really need your opinion on this.

    I like boys. Me and my friend know each other 5 years. We are like a family - we trust and support each other. We live in different places so we meet occasionally. It's usually me who goes to his place. We drink at evenings and sleep in one bed, because it's the only bed available. He's very excited every time we meet. I like him, but I'm hiding it and nothing "weird" ever happened between us. However lately I've noticed that his behavior changed a bit. When we sit next to each other he starts to lean on me (arm to arm) and put head on my shoulder. I thought that he needs a hug so i put hand over his shoulder in a friendly hug. I like him, and it's on a friendly level so why not? However something weird happened that evening. When I was approaching the bed he said "I'm inviting you" he never did this before. I was kinda shocked and my auto reaction was "what?" then he repeated. I didn't know what to say so i just quietly lay next to him and we fell asleep. We were drunk, so I've decided to ignore it.

    So i guess everything's still on a friendly level.

    At our next drunken meeting, we were sitting together and at one point he grabbed my hand and slipped his fingers between mine in an interlocked grip. I thought "oh my god is he gay?". We played with our nails, rubbing thumbs, you name it. This could still be on a friendly level? I had doubts...

    All of this experience made our next meeting wonderful. It was a sober evening, so i thought nothing will happen. Hell i was wrong! He turned off lights, we laid next to each other. We played with our hands, touching with our heads. After some time he put his leg over my thigh. I thought "ok, i can't take it anymore, what is he trying to tell me?" His voice softened. He was turned on. Then I thought "fk that, it went too far already" and I kissed him in the cheek! He smiled. I like the fact that he act the same without assistance of alcohol.

    We love to play with our hands and we are sexually aroused just by that. Once he grabbed my whole arm and he squeeze it to his body so hard that it went numb. We like to hug, but he didn't touch me on more intimate level. However he's creating many coincidental events and using words that associate with sex. I'll give you example of "accidental events".

    We were lying on the bed and at one point i turned on my side. After a moment he did the same. He turned on his side showing me his back which I found rude, but soon after i realized why he did it. At one moment (we were laughing about something) he pushed against me touching my crotch with his butt (spoon position). If it was an accident, he would take it back and fast. No, he rubbed his butt against my crotch few times during laughing. It looked like a coincidence, an accidental laughing twitches. Maybe he's testing me? At one point i was sitting with closed eyes for a good few minutes. When i opened my eyes i found him staring at me!

    Everything i wrote happened during 3 meetings, so it's really fresh. There is more, but i wanted to keep it short. I can say that he allows me to do things at more intimate level (he kind of teasing me to do it), but he don't reciprocate. He was soft all the time which i found weird (stress?), but later he went to bathroom to masturbate. He's also reluctant of me touching him under clothes, but occasionally he's allowing me. Everything happens without words, we never discussed it. He never questioned it. It's like something obviously natural to us. It's like we both waited for this for a long time.

    I'm confused because we were on a family friendship level and I'm not sure if his behavior have something to do with it. I'm not sure what is his take on me. At emotional level he's into me 100%, but at more intimate physical level I'm doing stuff and he's just enjoying it. His physical passiveness confusing me. Laying or sitting next to me and grabbing my hand is the only thing he initiate. Maybe he's questioning his orientation or it's the first time he's experiencing this and he's extremely cautious? If yes, then maybe i went too fast on him physically and he feels embarrassed. We see each other once in a month or even longer, but he's fine with that. We have a set date and we're waiting for it. He doesn't feel the need of chatting with me during that time which makes me sad (i know that he's busy studying, but still). Could this be because of his personality? He naturally don't like to initiate conversations. Always it has to be me who text first. However once we meet i can feel his excitement just by my presence. He's not leaving my side for a moment. I can feel emanating jealousy. I don't know how should i behave at our next meeting. Maybe I should play passive and see if he'll do something? I don't want any statements out of him, because it's too fresh and there is high risk that he go denial and i don't want him to distance himself. Everything what happened basically exposed our self to each other, but still his passiveness on intimate level gives me doubts.

    Thank you for reading. If you have any additional questions I'll answer them.
     
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  2. PatrickUK

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    The big question about all of this is in the title of your post... "Is my friend gay?".

    Based on what you have told us and the way he acts and reacts towards you, I would say there is a good chance he is gay, but that doesn't mean he is ready to acknowledge or accept it. From his perspective it may just be a bit of fun.

    You say he doesn't like to initiate conversations, but I think you should ask what he means when he makes comments like "I'm inviting you". Don't allow those comments to pass without clarity. In actual fact, it's probably best to ask what the level of intimacy between the two of you means to him, but be prepared for disappointment. If he feels pressured by the dynamics of his family, community to conform to social expectations he may not give you the answer you hope for.
     
  3. TinyWerewolf

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    From what you've posted here, it sounds like this friend is very much into you to me. Wether he's gay, bisexual, pansexual, whatever- it seems pretty clear that he likes you as more than a friend. I agree with Patrick here, you should ask him what his intentions are behind that phrase but be prepared to recieve any kind of reaction. He could just be shy or he could be in denial. It's worth asking about in my opinion.
     
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  4. DecentOne

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    Welcome to Empty Closets Y2B,
    Maybe the better question is “are you into me?” And not use the labels. Whenever someone asked me if I was gay, I’d say no. Because I knew I was not. But there were guys I liked. If you think he’d be too shy to answer you, you could just talk about the fact you are glad to have times together, and don’t hide your own joy. Maybe he senses you are holding back.
     
  5. Y2B

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    We are very serious at emotional level. I don't think it's "fun" to him.

    I know... i was drunk and surprised... I'm ready with respond if he'll say it again. What do you think I should respond?

    That's why i don't want to force him into statements. I would rather have it develop slowly. However i want to be sure if my efforts leading somewhere.

    Yeah and he could as well have a hand fetish. I think it's too early to openly talk about it. It all happens "on the background" as we are focused (or pretending to be) at something else like watching TV. I would like to find the answer without coming out of the "background zone" because he feel comfortable in that "zone". I don't know how to explain it... Hope it make sense...

    Our next meeting is set at Christmas, so i have a lot of time to think what to do, what words to use. I would rather wait than asking him and force him into lying to me. I'm not hiding my joy oh no :grin: He knows that i love it and i know he love that too. He could be on "exploring something new" state and i need subtle way to find out what he thinks.
     
  6. TinyWerewolf

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    That does make sense, you're saying you don't want to get ahead of yourself right? You don't want to scare him off or make him uncomfortable and risk rejection (which is very understandable). However, he could just be waiting on you to make a move- he could be thinking all the same things you are now- but you won't know for sure unless you ask him. You can tell him you want to take things slowly still, you don't have to jump into discussing fetishes or any of that just yet, and just let it still happen naturally.
     
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  7. Y2B

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    Thank you for support. Yes, i don't want to scare him off because I like... WE like what's happening. Openly asking could make him distance himself from me and i don't want that to happen. I don't know what words to use to not force statement out of him. For example saying "I love you" put pressure on him to answer. Knowing him, he would respond with a subtle smile. Convenient, and I'll get nothing out of it. I was thinking of saying something that include us both. For example "we look like lovers". This is kind of neutral. I want give it a time, but I need approval from him. Then i can just let it go on it's own pace.
     
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  8. BiGemini87

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    From what I'm seeing here, I think it's a very real possibility there's something between you. These actions don't seem like the actions of just two friends, if you get my meaning. Even straight men, completely comfortable in their sexuality who make lewd jokes with their male friends, don't engage in the kinds of behaviours that you two have.

    I think you're theory that he's still working out what/who he is (along with any conformity issues in his family, community, etc.) might be a big part of the lack of clarification on his part. I agree with Patrick that you should ask for clarification if/when the topic arises, or better yet, broach it yourself. Like @DecentOne said, maybe the question shouldn't be if he's gay, but if he's into you--because it's entirely possible he's bi, or that even if he is gay, he hasn't quite reached that answer just yet.

    Communication is important if this is to go anywhere, slowly or otherwise. Just let him know you don't expect an answer immediately; that it's just something you hope he'll reflect on, and be honest as to why. Maybe the reason he's been so reticent is because he wants to know whether the feeling is truly reciprocated; that this isn't just physical for you. Even though you've known each other a long time, a change in relationship dynamics can make a person uncertain or have doubts, and 9 times out of 10, it's nothing to do with you or your trustworthiness, but their own feelings of inadequacy.

    I hope this helps. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Y2B

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    This is very good point. I should restrain myself, but it will be hard. I'm sure we're gonna drink at Christmas. It's gonna be a challenge to restrain myself...

    One thing i forgot to mention in my first post. That drunken night when i hugged him for the first time. I don't remember exactly how, but gay topic came up (I think there was mention about it on internet). I said "look, gays are just regular people, like you and me". He didn't respond to it, but for me it was important that he didn't deny it. It was that night when he "invited me" to bed. I was much braver because everything was still on a friendly level. I was playing around a bit without hoping for anything. But he took it seriously and It was a shock to me when he grabbed my hand and we cuddle. Since then I lost my courage and I'm afraid to do anything now... :frowning2:
     
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  10. PatrickUK

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    This does put a slightly different perspective on it, because you raised the subject in the first instance. His "invitation" seems to have followed on from your comments about gay people. Maybe it gave him a little bit of confidence to be more open with you.

    Perhaps you should ask him if he likes sleeping/cuddling with you... and if so, why? It's really a case of trying to understand what it all means to him. Based on what you have told us, he seems to like you taking the lead.
     
  11. Y2B

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    Sorry that I've missed it. There is so much stuff i could tell, but I'm not sure which is important. When I'm analyzing our 5 years of friendship, there were moments that didn't make sense until now. For example him being erected in my presence, or looking at me with desire (you can feel that when someone looking at you that way). Maybe i should private message you once i gather all details together? Yes, I've noticed that he's open for my ideas, but i don't want to go over the top. This indeed looks like he want me being in charge. I'll try to be more verbal next time. Need to prepare for that really good.

    Also, thank you guys for talking with me. I really don't have anyone to share it with.
     
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  12. Robyn mac

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    Ask to cuddle again and this time spoon him with his back to you. put your arm around him let him hold your hand. Kiss the back of his neck and see if he responds. If or when he turns his head or body to face you kiss him.
     
  13. Y2B

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    He messaged me asking how's my mood and said that he can't wait to have time with me. It's first time he said something like this. I'm surprised, but happy.

    Good idea. :grin:
     
  14. TinyWerewolf

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    That type of message is always a good sign. :slight_smile: When do see him next?
     
  15. Y2B

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    He never typed stuff like that before. We always message in formal way, nothing fancy. We will meet this weekend and I'm nervous like it's my first time. Probably, because of that message I'm uncertain what change in him i might see. Being happy and afraid at the same time... it's weird...
     
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  16. TinyWerewolf

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    I got that way when I first met my girlfriend (and sometimes still did after we started dating, probably will be when I finally see her again). It's only natural to be nervous.
     
  17. Y2B

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    I'll try to take it easy and not overthink about it. The worst thing i could do at this moment is to close myself on him. I bought him holiday gift. Hope he'll like it.
     
  18. TinyWerewolf

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    I think trying to take it easy is a good idea. The gift was a good idea too. Keep us updated on how it goes!
     
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  19. zgaynz

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    Give him time. You don't have to put label on it. He may even be uncomfortable if you do and you could scare him off. We all come to our own conclusions in time. For me, sexuality acceptance is a journey. For some, it's just down to the corner shop and back, but others, like myself, a trip to the moon. Reciprocating his affection when he shows you some lets him know you're interested but speaking from someone who's been in his shoes, go slow and if he's comfortable initiating it, let him do so. I'm not very experienced in these matters though.
     
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  20. Y2B

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    Yes, it seems to be a long way for him to accept this. You said that you were like him before; would you allow someone to touch you like that if you were not interested in that person? Could you look at my story from his perspective?
     
    #20 Y2B, Dec 27, 2021
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2021