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Is my anxiety regarding sexuality a result of shame?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by chris123, May 20, 2021.

  1. Sadness

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    Well, sometimes i still think that all this is just me being untruthful to myself, i went to a reddit related to this ocd, and it have 10000 people there worrying about the same thing that you do. Ngl i already thought that all of us, all of that 10000 people are just lying to themselves.

    I have those feelings whenever i test myself with gay fantasies, i know, its complicated, is hard to explain this feeling, is just that i have some arousal maybe.

    I want to ask, do you want to masturbate to men? Like really want to, do you have a desire to masturbate to man? Because reading your text just feel to me that you are seeking for a proof that you are gay so all this would stop and you would be free.

    I know, i am like this too, im afraid od being gay, but i just want that endless cycle to end.

    No one here switch their fantasies without noticing, this is in fact intrusive thought, i have this all the time, all the time.

    I said this before but i dont think that anxiety is only related to internalised homophobia, you just fear of being gay, so this feelings that should mean arousal appear, then boom, "im gay" and then you have anxiety.

    And its not possible to supress arousal. I say this bc i used to try to hide that i dont get aroused with transwoman, i was always anxious, but i was rock hard, super hard. And it was extremelly pleasurable.

    Im sorry i cant help you, i wish i could. Really, i wish i could help both me an you, but i dont know, im just pointing out what i think its correct. Sometimes i think im just in denial too, almost all the time, and i dont know what to do too. All i can say is that i think is ocd, bc of what people here have said already ):

    Today i saw gay hentai and was aroused at some point, tried masturbated afterwards thinking about, had kind of a erection, but as the time was passing i lost erection, im really confused. Hope you feel well bro.
     
  2. Leynz45

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    Chris i can say that dreams are mostly bullshit.Write this topic in other communities that you are testing if you are gay they will be say its ocd.Because it is.I test myself over 3 years with different gay stuff i try to fantasize to dicks or watch porn but i knew that i cant get an orgasm for that.I swear i masturbate over 1 hour to gay porn non stop.I tryed that harder and harder but the result was no way i cant get an orgasm its difficult.You cant stop an arousal its like an reflex.Its totally bullshit to masturbate to something to test if you are like it but you know you dont like it.You know what imean.
     
    #82 Leynz45, Aug 3, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2021
  3. QuietPeace

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    If you have a condition it does not become any less debilitating by refusing to accept that you have it. In fact, it makes it impossible for you to try to work with it. Acceptance is the first step in dealing with it.
     
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  4. Chip

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    Chris, I can't tell you what to do.

    But what I can tell you is that nothing you've ever said provides anything that looks like genuine attraction to the same sex. What it does look like is an absolutely textbook classic case of OCD with a focus on sexual orientation.

    The nature of OCD is there is no possible way to convince the person that his obsessions aren't rational. This is why people with OCD simply cannot, for example, stop flipping light switches off and on, or checking and rechecking whether a door is locked. Or whatever other obsessions they have. No amout of logic or reason will help, and in extreme cases (which it sounds like yours could be), it isn't even possible to reach the person with therapy because the brain is so hijacked.

    It's in these cases where medication can be a lifesaver. It can restore enough balance to the brain's process to stop the hijack and buy time to actually process the thoughts and pierce the hijacked perception. Then, the process of repatterning the damaged neural pathways can be undertaken and (for many at least) eventually, medication can be tapered off.

    It really isn't a whole lot different than, say, someone with schizophrenia who hears voices telling him to do something harmful, or creating delusions of grandeur. No amount of conversation and rational discussion will convince the person that the voices aren't real, that he shouldn't do what he's told to do (or believe what he thinks.) But you get that person on medication that's appropriately managed, and suddenly this person is a completely different human being who realizes that the voices are not real, that the delusions are delusions... and that individual can live their life normally, without the constant discomfort.

    I would place a pretty large wager you are in the same category. As I see it, you don't have anything to lose by seeking out consultation (assuming you honestly tell them what folks are telling you, and not just your justifications about why you think you're gay), and get on medication for OCD and see how it makes you feel and how it changes your perceptions.

    If I'm right, then suddenly you'll have a different perception, you'll be able to see right through the ridiculousness of how you've been thinking and acting, and you'll be able to live a life that's happy and fulfilling, free of anxiety. And if I'm wrong (assuming you give it a couple months and, if needed, medication adjustments and changes)... and nothing happens... nothing will be different, but you won't be any worse off than you are now.

    Yes, OCD is a horrible, debilitating disorder left unaddressed and untreated. But effectively treated, it becomes almost invisible to you, and over time, your brain has a remarkable capacity to rewire itself. On the other hand, pretending you're gay when you're not (if that's the case) is absolutely not a recipe for happiness.

    But again, I'm not in your mind, and only you can know what's right for you.
     
    #84 Chip, Aug 5, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
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  5. out2019

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    I am gay, if tried your 'test' (imagine having sex with a car vs a woman) of course I would get more of a reaction with a woman. Look if you're gay it's going to come naturally no testing or forced.

    I have put it bluntly before and I will again... When I think about a cute guy I like, i feel an urge to have what makes him a man in my mouth, I long to have him between my legs and inside me... the thought of just kissing gives me butterflies in my stomach.

    I 'tried' what you have with women and there is a little arousal and if i 'switch' like you do after thinking about a guy i can get off but it's not natural and not nearly as intense as imagining being with a man.

    no and they never will it will just make it worse and worse!

    @chris123 please listen to Chip here and get some help for this you're just torturing yourself!

    @chris123 - wouldn't it be great to feel this way and have this goal in mind and get on with your life instead of endlessly testing?
     
    #85 out2019, Aug 5, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
  6. Sadness

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    I want to adress something. I aldeady said that but is interesting how we see the ocd pattern in others but not in ourselves.

    I have a lot of problem with ocd, and add to this my addiction to porn, its really hard to not get mad and crazy about things, bc even if i dont test myself, theres always a penis in porn, and man butt and whatever, and it makes me so sad, because i need to stop watching porn, and i can just for some days, because im always coming back mostly because of my anxiety. You know masturbation is a anxiety killer, but dont do that please, it just makes things worse.

    I know because i am going through this, chip and others have helpes me a lot, and when i read their comments i feel a relief, but it dont last longer, some days maybe, then something happens and again im in the black hole. The real problem is that we are constantly trying to proof that were not gay. And we need validation, thats why we always ask the same question when things get bad.

    I take medicines, and even if i have times that im crazy, like those days, there are a lot of times that i feel extremelly good and happy to be alive. So if you need, take medicines, i didnt believe either, but its crazy how it diminish my anxiety with some things.

    I dont know how much time you have this, i have for 3 years, i always wanted to have a yt channel and post covers bc im so into music. I want to have a band when i grow up some more. But those past 3 years i didnt had any motivation to do nothing, because of porn and anxiety. It took my happines and desires.

    Seek help, it will get better, i hope you dont need to adjust your meds. I hope you have a wonderfull life without this.

    I know is hard, even to me is super hard and most of the times i cant do it. But live with uncertain about this. You will get better.
     
    #86 Sadness, Aug 5, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
  7. chris123

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    Wow, this thread is more than 3 months old, time flies eh?

    I guess I’ve made some progress, and also self reflections in the last few months. First, I’ve moved city, to the big smoke (London). So far I’m really enjoying it. Great city with lots to do, and have been distracted enough not to really be too preoccupied with the thoughts.

    I’ve also opened up to my sister about my mental health issues/obsessions. It was quite emotional, but so good to confide in her. She struggles with anxiety too, and suspects she may have some ocd tendencies herself focused on her relationship with her girlfriend. It was really nice to be able to confide in her and be open about stuff. It definitely wasn’t a “ah, I’m gay” conversation, or one that lead to that. It was more of a “the last 2 years + I’ve struggled with this”. I actually told her about this forum and some of the great advice and support I’ve received, especially the insights from @Chip , so thanks chip.

    ive noticed that while my obsessive thoughts regarding sexuality have taken a bit more of a backseat, the anxiety still lurks. Recently it’s kinda shifted a bit to latching on to health concerns. I may get random dull aches, or pains, in my chest, and my anxiety will latch onto this, which only exacerbates the issue. I think this comes from the fact when I was away with some friends, I foolishly tried mdma for the first time (I had been drinking and a little bit of coke before too). It was strong stuff, and we ended up playing table tennis til about 10am with some friends. However, when I went to bed, i was still wired. Not tired in the slightest, and my heart racing. The more I thought about it, and tried to be “mindful”, the more anxious I got. I think I was trying to accept the inevitable come down I was gonna have to face, but essentially I got more and more anxious, which led to what I can only describe as an anxiety or panic attack. Given the cocktail of substances I had done, this only fed into my panic more, as I had done all the typical googling of a stroke/heart attack, and they share symptoms. Now, the amount I did was probably never going to kill me, but all the articles were saying “get to an ER room”. So at 11 I walked downstairs in panic and asked one of my friends to drive me to ER. Everyone there had dabbled with drugs before, and 2 of them were just as wired as I was, just without the panic. All asked me if I was sure i wasn’t over reacting, but in my panic, I insisted we went. So we did. And Lo and behold, as soon as the nurse assured me I wasn’t having a stroke, brain heemmorage, or heart attack, the panic left me and I just ended up feeling like an idiot, ha.

    The reason i mention this is because this ordeal has stayed with me a little, and feel like my anxiety mayve slightly latched on to it. Also, I’ve noticed now (this mayve happened before but I just didn’t pay too much attention to it) that after I drink in excess, I can get some heart palpitations (beating heart fast). Now that I’m concerned that I may have heart issues (which I doubt, as I have given stem cells before where they did a health checkup including an ECG), these palpitations do worry me. What’s also weird is that sometimes I can feel this weird feeling in I’d say the top right side of my head, which sometimes goes down my neck and into my shoulder a bit, and it almost feels like this is the part of my brain which is broken/affected by ocd, anxiety, or depression. Very strange, and if I pay attention to it, it almost spreads, covering my brain/mind in some kind of depressive state :/

    So, essentially I think I can see a bit clearer now that my obsessions have moved slightly. My sexuality is still in doubt, sure, but I don’t constantly think or remunerate or agonise over it. But what does make me a bit anxious is thinking about my mental health, ironically. Almost like I’m looking for something, find it, then get anxious/depressed about it.

    I think now would be the perfect time to get into therapy. Honestly, I don’t think I have it too bad. I would say more towards the moderate side. There are times when I feel fine, happy, normal. But also I’m sure it’s worth uncovering the issues of why I don’t. Chip, you have put some very insightful comments here before. And I also like that you seem quite positive about the prospects of recovery, even though it does require tough work, I imagine, and possibly medications.

    Apologies, I realise this has strayed away from sexual orientation issues now. But I thought I’d check in here, and just drop a (very preemptive) seasons greetings to everyone, and hope everyone is doing well!
     
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  8. Chip

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    It's nice to hear from you, and it does sound like you're making positive strides. I think this is an excellent time to get into therapy. Please make sure you find someone with a specialty in OCD.

    The palpitations could be a side effect of the drinking, or it could be the drinking making the anxiety a bit worse. Always worth getting checked by a doctor, but I'm inclined to think it isn't anything important.

    Do keep in touch!
     
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  9. Sadness

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    Nice to know youre doing good man.

    Keep it up!!
     
  10. masterofnone

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    personally if you ask me, most substances for people with ocd really make things worse. most of my friends who smoke weed say it relaxes them etc. but most of the time i try it i get really bad anxiety and overwhelming thoughts. i did acid and the same thing kinda happened. id try stay away from any substances. also what you seem to be experiencing is an ocd theme shift, seems like it going for your physical health. at the start of the year i probably went through like 3-4 different themes between a month or so until it landed on my sexuality. it went from a really bad fear of death and how long i had to live, then it went to physical health, then it went to existential and finally my sexuality. it’s tricky stuff. glad you’re doing better though
     
  11. Chip

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    That is simply not true. Several SSRI-class drugs have been absolute lifesavers for those with OCD.

    Comparing the use of properly prescribed prescription drugs to treat OCD with the use of weed or LSD is like comparing a surgeon to a meat butcher. They may have some surface similarities, but nobody in their right mind would use a meat butcher to perform surgery.

    It is no wonder that weed or acid would cause anxiety and overwhelming thoughts to someone with OCD, because both of those drugs are going to exacerbate the neurochemical imbalance and other symptoms that go along with OCD.[/quote][/quote]
     
    #91 Chip, Nov 29, 2021
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  12. chris123

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    I think I will avoid illicit drugs and cut down on alcohol going forward as it definitely doesn't do me any favours. @masterofnone I take your point - I presume by substances you meant illegal/unmoderated substances rather than medications prescribed by a professional. Obviously those prescribed in careful doses and administered in the proper way can have massive benefits for people suffering from a range of both physical and mental disorders, but I imagine you understand this :slight_smile:
     
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  13. masterofnone

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    i was talking about illicit substances. this doesn’t include antidepressants or anti anxiety medication. just to clarify
     
  14. Chip

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    Apologies for misreading your post. Thanks for the clarification.
     
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