1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Internalized homophobia getting stronger by each day

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Warrior999, Oct 15, 2021.

  1. Warrior999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2018
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    To give people a bit of my background: I come from a South-Asian country and from a highly conservative Muslim family. I am out to my immediate family, and despite their Muslim and conservative background, they have been pretty tolerant about this issue. I currently reside in Canada (on Work Permit) and trying to get PR here.

    Despite coming from a very homophobic country, I never had to deal with internal homophobia in my early years. I was very confident in my gayness, never felt any kind of shame or guilt associated with my sexuality. The homophobia I dealt with was entirely external -- from my peers and society, but I never had any kind of problem with accepting my sexuality myself.

    However, ever since I moved to Canada, something changed. I found using words like gay and lesbian -- even to myself -- a bit frightening. Watching gay movies (which was a favorite pass time of me) became extremely uncomfortable; I would literally fidget at the sight of two men getting intimate. Whenever I see a handsome young man sitting in front of me or somewhere, I would just move away from him.

    It's funny I never had to deal with any internalized homophobia while in my birth country, however ever since moving to Canada, I am having to face it.

    I have a psychological theory to explain this. While in my country of birth, my gay dreams were just that -- dreams. Obviously I never had any chance of those dreams materializing, so I never had any problem dealing with my homosexual urges. But ever since moving to Canada, those dreams have become REALITY. I now have to ability to do anything I want. From hookups to real relationships to living openly with my sexuality. Now that everything is real, it's much more difficult to deal with them I think. For instance, I find hookups very easy. But when trying to actually date a guy, I found it very tough, and that's because hookups are a momentary thing. Actual dating is long-term and I don't have what it takes to deal with the repercussions of a real relationship.

    So exactly how do I deal with my internalized homophobia and try to accept myself more?
     
  2. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    901
    Likes Received:
    701
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello, @Warrior999! I think what you're experiencing makes a lot of sense. Like you said, back where you're from, it was one thing to fantasize about it, because there's a safety in not having to actually act on it (even if you really want to). Now that you have the freedom to do so, perhaps the prejudices of people you used to know has crept into your subconscious, making you feel like you shouldn't act on these feelings. To your subconscious, it doesn't matter that you're now living in a place where it's safer to be out and explore your sexuality; there's still a part of you that fears repercussions for it.

    Or so this is my interpretation, at least. The fact that hooking up seems safer is two-fold. On the one hand, perhaps you've justified it in your mind that without emotional intimacy, the physical is somehow less sinful. On the other, it could be that you're afraid to be intimate with someone because you're right--it does take a lot of effort to be in a relationship; this goes for people of any orientation, but it can be particularly daunting in a non-straight one due to all the social pressures.

    My advice would be to not force yourself to do anything you're not 100% ready for. There's no need to push yourself or rush into anything, especially given your current mindset. If you haven't been in Canada long, you may need to give yourself more time to adapt to the cultural changes, and to your new-found freedom sexuality-wise. Moving to an entirely different country can be something of a shock, even if it's something you've largely felt positive about. It just might take time for all those old sentiments to run their course, but I think you'll get there. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Warrior999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2018
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That's exactly it, and you have worded that very beautifully and logically.

    Yes, hooking up is always easier as you do not have to deal with the emotional component of an actual or long term relationship. And it's even more prolific in the gay community due to this very reason. We can hide a hook up from society, we can forget about a hook up within minutes, we can shrug it off as a one time thing etc. A real relationship takes more guts and strength to deal with. And that's even harder for gay people like me. I might be out to family, but it's very tough to be out to the public due to my upbringing.

    I've been here for a few years, but I am still carrying the baggage from my past.
     
    BiGemini87 and out2019 like this.
  4. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    620
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think this is true to some extent for anyone who decides to cross the line from fantasy to reality. All the sudden you're not in 'control' anymore and there is real risk involved even when I accepted myself taking the first real world steps were scary and I found myself with tons of reasons to not move forward.