In Long-Term Relationship - too confused to take next steps

What you have described sounds like you're straight to me- but I could be wrong. So, I'm going to ask you one simple question to get some more clarification: what exactly makes you could be gay?

 

Hello, @sfman. I'm sorry you've been struggling with this for so long. From what I'm seeing here, I'm of two minds:

-You're straight and have OCD, which sometimes leads straight people to question their sexual orientation regardless of all evidence being to the contrary, OR

-You're not straight (could be gay, could be bisexual, etc.) and have been repressing your attractions for so long that the idea of being anything other than straight terrifies you.

I'll echo @TinyWerewolf on this: what makes you think you could be gay/not straight? No experience with the same sex doesn't mean anything, as sexual orientation is about attraction, not action. Have you ever been attracted to other men? That could mean at any time in childhood, puberty, or adulthood, even if it was only a couple of times. Now the same question, but regarding women--are you attracted to them? Do you become aroused around either, or both? Do you experience any kind of physical reaction to being in the presence of either one, or both?

If you've never experienced attraction to men, are attracted to women and your wife, then I think it's safe to assume you're not gay. If this is the case, you might need to look into therapy and possibly prescriptions for OCD/anxiety medications to help you control these intrusive thoughts.

If you're attracted to men and women, that puts you on the bisexual spectrum, and isn't the end of the world where your relationship is concerned. Bisexual people are as capable of monogamy as people of any other orientation.

If you're not attracted to women whatsoever...well, that does complicate things a great deal. Many gay people have come out later in life and had to navigate rough waters as a result, but it's not impossible. Some choose to remain in their marriages, others choose to leave so that they can pursue their true needs, while allowing their former partner to do the same.

I know this is a lot to take in, so take your time sorting through your thoughts and feelings, and try to be patient--both with yourself and the situation itself. I hope this has been of some help, and that you'll keep us updated if anything changes.

 

Hello @sfman

Thanks for your post and honesty. It's good that you've reached out and shared your thoughts.

I'm in the exact same situation as you are so I can really relate to your post. When I read your post it was as if I had written it myself.. a crazy feeling. I also agree what has been asked previously: do you have gay urges and fantasies? Do you ever think of meeting a guy to have sex with or just to get to know on a romantic level? Do you feel that this is not the path you should be taking with your current girlfriend? That you've been hiding your true self all those years? And how do you know?

I'm also in a heterosexual relationship even though my girlfriend knows that I'm also attracted to men. Unlike you, I lied about it at first but due to my sex/porn addiction I had to admit that I'm attracted to men sometime later. I think you did a really good job being honest with your girlfriend and that you haven't cheated on her. It ruins the relationship and lying causes mistrust, which is never a good thing. I think you should try to be open about your feelings and also by honest to yourself, because deep down inside I believe everybody knows their true self.
I know it too, but currently going through the phase of facing my fears and facing the thing that I have been running away from for 20 years. Even though I identify as a bisexual, I think that truly deep down inside I'm just gay. But I haven't had the courage to tell anyone close just yet. The fear of causing mayhem and destruction, of letting people down is incredible. But I take it step by step and try not to think about the consequences just yet.

I hope you will get through this and that you will be able to find a clear answer. Because I know that this doubt and uncertainty about who you is killing you from the inside. I know that you can rationalize it all and think "She's gorgeous, nice, pretty, caring and she loves me. What the h*** am I moaning about?" while at the same time this restless and unhappy feeling is continuously present as background noise.

Take care brother, you'll get there.