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In a heterosexual relationship - I think I am a lesbian

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Ethereal594, Jun 26, 2021.

  1. Ethereal594

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    Hi all,

    I really don’t know who to turn to about this predicament that could understand, but I really hope I may find people who have similar experiences! Im not questioning if I like women or not, I’m questioning if I actually like men.

    I have always identified as bisexual, and am out to the majority of people in my life, with the exception of my parents/older members of my family. As I’ve always been with men, it’s really just been easier to let them assume I’m straight. Although they all are nice people they struggle to understand bisexuality and have said homophobic things before when I’ve bought the topic up in conversation.

    I’m currently in a heterosexual relationship, which has been about 4 years long. We live together and are financially tied in. He (let’s call him Sam) is lovely, and we get on pretty well. Life is pretty easy, we don’t argue, our lifestyle is fairly comfortable.

    Prior to Sam, I was in another serious heterosexual relationship with ‘Pete’. This was again about 4-5 years. Again this relationship was pretty easy going.

    In both relationships, I really struggled with sex. At first it was easy as hormones are all over the place, but both turned into completely dead bedroom relationships. I have not had sex with my current partner for over a year, and didn’t have sex with my ex for 3 years before the relationship ended. I did go to couples counselling and sexual therapy, but nothing really helped matters as I just completely stopped seeing my partners as a sexual entity that I felt I could possibly have sex with. I really tried hard for this not to happen in my current relationship, and made a lot of effort to keep things exciting - and although it meant it took longer for the sex to come to a complete stop, it still did and I wasn’t in the right mindset when it did happen. All the while my sex drive hadn’t stopped, I still felt sexual urges and attraction but usually it was always directed towards women.

    Another thing I find lacking, is that I really desire emotional connection and I feel that I’ve not had that from my partners. When I talk to my female friends I feel so much more emotionally connected to them, which I have struggled more with men and my male partners. I feel like I’ve given my all and have not had it in return. Equally, I have found myself developing crushes on women that I become close to (who are typically, straight!) which has also sent my mind into overdrive.

    I feel awful because I know I have mentally checked out of this relationship, but don’t want to hurt my partner in this way. I have been honest and have spoken about my feelings, and we have been talking about the possibility of me being gay for quite some time now.

    All sorts of thoughts go round in my mind. Sometimes I don’t know if I think I can truly have the deep physical and emotional connection that I really want with a man. Or perhaps it’s a case of the grass is always greener, & because I’m with a man now I think about being with a woman. But then again how could I have been in 2 relationships with a men, fall in love and have sex (albeit quickly out of it again), if I was gay? So many questions, and time thinking about this hasn’t made my answer any clearer.

    I hope you guys may have some advice for me! It’s such a difficult situation to be in, partly because it is hurting me and my current partner, and also potentially accepting that I may be gay and the fear of what that looks like for the future. Thank you!
     
  2. Love2sleep

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    Hello!

    I had a very similar experience to you. I struggled with coming to terms that I wasn’t interested in men. I just couldn’t fall in love with a man and have an emotional relationship. I simply just don’t have an emotional connection with men. When I came to that realisation I no longer bothered to date men and haven’t had a heterosexual relationship for 20 years.
    By reading your post I feel you may already know the answer. Would you say the lacking of an emotional connection in a relationship is what you crave?
     
  3. GrumpyOldLady

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    Hi Ethereal, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, I'm going through pretty much the same thing.

    I've had several relationships with men but the sex has almost always been pretty "meh" for me and something I just put up with. I am currently married and I was lucky enough to find a guy who is more or less asexual so i don't have to deal with it very often, but I sometimes find myself craving a different kind of connection where real desire and passion plays a role because that part of my life is pretty dead.

    I've never had a relationship with a woman but when I think about them sexually the feeling is very different than when I think of men. I've had trouble developing emotional connections with women for a long time, mostly because I was afraid of going in too deep, but I've recently allowed myself to form a deeper emotional bond with a female friend. It's complicated because i don't think romance is on the table and I'm still figuring out my feelings and the boundaries with her but I can already say that it feels more satisfying than any connection I had to a man, and when I do have the odd romantic thought it feels much different than romantic thoughts about men.

    I have been in a marriage to a man for over 20 years, there are considerable financial and familial ties (we have a child) so it would be difficult to dissolve the relationship, unfortunately he's not currently open to having an open relationship where I could explore so I would have to separate from him to do so.

    I don't have much advice except to say that maybe you really need to have a conversation with your partner now and see how far he's willing to go before you're even more tied to him. Right now I feel like I'm been missing out on a major aspect of life and it's given me a hollow feeling inside.
     
    Jo Hannah likes this.
  4. Gipsy

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    I 85% relate to this, I’m waiting for more answers since I didn’t get any on my thread. Sorry for the lack of advice. :confounded: