If I’m gonna be honest, I really hate being bisexual sometimes. I know I’m not really attracted to men at all, or even barely, but still feel like I have to “choose” being with a man anyways in order to please my family and others. If I could choose between men and women, it would be women. I could go my life never being attracted to men again and I’d be just fine. Not being attracted to a woman ever again though? That idea terrifies me. I love women so fucking much but at the same time I’m afraid to express it. My past gf and current gf have been labeled just as “friends” before by my mom and that upsets me greatly. Sometimes I still feel like I have to be “available” for men or be attractive to them despite wanting the opposite. I only wanna be attractive for women, for women to only look at me and be attracted to me. I’m in constant state of being terrified/anxious because I’m afraid a man is going to come up to me and ask me out which I somehow can’t say “no” to. I also deal with OCD too so every time I dress feminine, my brain will tell me that I’m doing it for men instead despite wanting to do it for my girlfriend. I also worry I won’t get excited being with a woman or experience those intense feelings one would have if they were dating a man. None of this makes any sense I know. I know I’d only want to be with a woman in the future. I wanna date, kiss, and marry a woman. That makes sense to me. I just worry that everything with women will be temporary and I’ll go back to dating men a few years down the road. I don’t wanna be with a man long term. I don’t crave a man’s body. I don’t find them appealing. I want nothing to do with them. I honestly crave only a woman’s body. I can only imagine having sex with a woman, having a romantic relationship with one, etc. I wanna go on cute dates with my gf and wear cute things for her. I wanna do all of this couple stuff with her and I’m afraid that I won’t actually want to do that. I wanna kiss and cuddle her but my brain says that I won’t actually want it and that I just want a dude instead. I’m attracted to masculine women and my brain compares it to men?? I’ve talked to my therapist and she’s stated that it’s basically a heteronormative mindset echoing in my mind which is true. I hope my parents aren’t right saying all of this is a phase. I know a few other bi girls who’ve wanted to be with women but have ended up getting another boyfriend which is fine and I’m happy for them but that’s not what I want. I wanna fall in love and be with a woman long term. I honestly wouldn’t mind carrying a child or two if my gf and I get married in the future. I just don’t wanna lose this at all in order to be with some man I won’t love. I know I can’t love men and don’t want to. I only love women. I’m primarily only sexually attracted and romantically attracted to women but my brain says I’m faking it. I hate this. I just want my attraction to women back.
I could be wrong, but from what you wrote, it sounds like to me that you're a lesbian. You mentioned that you could go your whole life not being attracted to men, only wanting to be attractive for women, only wanting to be with a woman in the future, not craving a man's body, not finding men appealing, not wanting anything to with men (this probably stood out the most to me), only being able to imagine yourself having sex with women, and that you can't and don't want to love a man. To me, this doesn't sound like someone that is bisexual. The only times you indicated any attraction to men you expressed that you feel like it's because you're supposed to. For example, you mentioned being with a man just to please your family and others. I agree with your therapist that your only attraction to men seems to be only a result of heteronormativity. Have you expressed these feelings to your mom? I think that would help a lot. Is there a chance you hate being bisexual because you're actually a lesbian and are identifying as something you're not?
I I agree with this. If you do not like Men at all and you feel like you have to for others. You’re a lesbian.
I have something that I think you should try: Imagine giving yourself permission to not care what men think. Imagine if you wore what you want, when you want, and didn’t worry about the perceptions of men. Imagine giving yourself permission to turn down any man that tries to ask you out. Imagine giving yourself permission to never date a man again. How does that feel? Freeing? What would happen if you didn’t just imagine giving yourself those permissions, but if you actually did? How would you feel, if you knew that you never had to force yourself into a relationship with a man? How does it feel, if you think "I'm only attracted to women"? Also, can I ask, why did you start identifying as bisexual? Is it because you're genuinely attracted to multiple genders (meaning, not just women) or did you pick that label because your parents insisted that your attraction to women must be a phase?
